Chapter 23 Summer of Seventeen #4
“A few weeks,” he admitted. “When we came back from Colorado, she called him, and they hung out a few times.”
I swallowed hard, forcing myself not to go find her and scratch her eyes out with my new set that she’d smirked at. She wasn’t worth breaking a nail.
“I should have told you,” Preston said. “I didn’t want to upset you, but of course you’re going to be upset. You still love him.”
His tone turned bitter, but I didn’t answer.
We were rekindling our friendship, and I didn’t want to lie to him.
More than that, I didn’t want to lead him on.
Even though I felt something for him—something I’d never felt for Devlin, something as terrifying and exhilarating and dangerous as skydiving—I knew I wasn’t ready for it.
And it wasn’t fair of me to make him think he had a shot when I didn’t know when or if I’d ever be ready.
After all, there would never be a time when I wasn’t the girl who had dumped Devlin.
No matter how long I waited, people would speculate, wonder if something had happened between us when I was with his cousin.
So I did what I had to do. I left that out and told him the rest of the truth.
“I do,” I said. “I’m sorry, Preston. If that means we don’t talk anymore…”
“Shut up.”
“What?”
“You think I’m going to ditch your ass because you love my cousin? If that were the case, we’d never have been friends at all.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I just… I have to make this clear, Preston. I’m not going to change my mind.
I don’t want you waiting, thinking I’m going to go out with you once I’m over him.
It wouldn’t be fair to you. I know you said you’d change this year, but I don’t want you wasting the best years of your life on some impossible dream. ”
I could barely get out the words, the same ones the women at the salon had used, past the shame that had built up inside me.
I’d always been afraid I was holding Devlin back, and they’d confirmed my worst fears.
I wouldn’t do the same to Preston, especially since I didn’t know if I’d ever be brave enough to face the town’s wrath, indignation, and derision.
I could barely face two women I’d never even met.
And the deeper, more painful reason was even simpler.
I didn’t know if I’d ever again be strong enough to let myself love someone the way I’d loved Devlin, and Preston deserved that.
He deserved to be the center of someone’s world, have her whole heart, not half of my broken one.
“Is it impossible?” he asked, tilting his head to squint at me in the bright, morning sunshine.
“Yes,” I said, my chest aching as I looked into his ocean blue eyes.
“Ouch,” he said, shaking his head and turning away. “Not gonna lie, that hurt. But I think I can decide for myself what’s fair. It’s not a waste of time for me to change your mind.”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, trying to calm my breathing. “I won’t change my mind,” I said at last.
“Maybe this will,” Preston said, and he took my chin and turned my face to his. I tensed, expecting him to lean in, but he only held my gaze and said, “The best years of my life will be the ones I spend with you, Doll. It doesn’t matter when that happens, if I’m eighteen or eighty.”
“That’s exactly what I don’t want,” I said, pulling away. “You should date, hook up, do all the things guys are supposed to do in high school.”
An ironic little smile played on his lips. “Trust me, I’m perfectly capable of deciding what to do with my dick.”
I gulped, trying not to let my eyes fall to the bulge in his dress pants.
I shook my head and pressed my lips together before speaking.
I stared straight at the football field, the lines freshly painted stark white.
“I had to let Devlin go. That’s what you do when you love someone.
If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back. Maybe we’ll get back together.
I can’t let you feel the way I felt today when I saw him with Lacey.
It’s better if you try to find someone else, someone who loves you the way I love him. ”
A tear rolled down my cheek, but I didn’t wipe it away.
“Your idea of waiting might not look the same as mine,” he said quietly, resting his elbows on his knees and furrowing his brow as he looked out over the field with me. “Just because I’ve fucked other girls, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t waiting for you then, Dolly.”
“It’s just… It’s not the right time,” I said, the ache in my throat so deep I wanted to crawl under the bleachers and die. “I can’t risk it, can’t risk you.”
“You mean you can’t risk being with me because you have to be available the second Devlin wants you back.” His words were harsh, but his tone was flat, as uninflected as Devlin’s when he spoke to me that morning.
“Don’t make this harder,” I whispered. “I’m letting you go, Preston. So please. Go.”
“Okay,” he said. “If that’s what you want.”
He stood and walked down the bleachers, and I held my tears until he got to the bottom. He stooped and picked a lone daisy that was growing at the corner, laying it at the end of the bottom step before walking away without looking back.