Chapter 56
Chapter Fifty-Six
Figuring that as long as I keep my mind occupied I won’t have to feel anything, I spend the first hour of my drive making funeral arrangements for Noah with almost clinical detachment.
For the most part, it works.
When all is said and done, not only can I attend my first week of college orientation and my brother’s service next Saturday, but all Dad needs to do is show up.
After that, I occupy my time with a few other calls, one to Elanor and one to the prison my mother is incarcerated at, only to be told that the latter is currently hospitalized. That piece of news is enough to send me spiraling.
For a hundred miles, I oscillate between banging my fists against the steering wheel until my knuckles are raw and crying my eyes out until I can barely see. Then, about halfway to my destination, I’m so submerged beneath my grief and rage, every inhale feels as though I’m filling my lungs with water and I have to pull over to dry heave on the side of the road.
Sweat-drenched and trembling, I kneel in the dirt, the sun beating down on me as it all comes crashing back. The secrets Dad kept, the emptiness of losing Noah, the outrage over Ryker’s betrayal…
How could the one person I still trusted do this? How could he take my brother from me? I’ll never get to apologize to Noah…
A sob racks my body as I dig my fingers into the dirt and tilt my chin skyward.
How do I come back from this? How do I live with myself…
Sweat pours from my skin while semitrucks amble down the highway, shaking the earth beneath my knees while tears stream across my cheeks.
Above me, a turkey vulture circles in the cloudless sky, waiting for the opportunity to swoop in and pick my bones clean… I fist a handful of dry dirt, the painful bite of little stones tearing at my nails.
My jaw hardens, and I slowly rise to my feet. “I’m not dead yet, you bastard!” I scream, throwing the dirt into the sky. “Not by a long shot.”
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I climb back into my truck. If she couldn’t kill me, then neither will this.
My knees shake as I gawk at the massive white limestone hospital in the middle of downtown Austin. The Crowes are in there somewhere, but so is the woman who tried to murder me.
I put one ash-caked boot in front of the other until a blast of arctic air conditioning and the stringent smell of antiseptic nearly mows me over. The sparkling floor-to-ceiling windows lining the walls make the space bright and cheery—such a stark contrast to the way I’m feeling that I wince when I catch sight of myself in their reflection.
I’d changed my clothes and washed my face in a rest stop bathroom, but my hair is singed and there are deep-purple bags under my eyes no amount of makeup could hide. I’m sure I also reek of smoke, but I’ve gone nose blind to it.
Averting my gaze, I head for the directory on the wall to locate the Intensive Care Unit. Thankfully, the halls are clearly marked. If I had to stop and ask for directions, I might lose my nerve and turn around.
The elevator rattles as the doors open to the ICU, where instead of antiseptic, I’m slapped by the pungent odor of bleach and something musky and rotten that reminds me of the dead opossum Noah and I found under the porch last summer.
My heart lurches painfully at the memory of my brother chasing me around the yard with that dead rodent on a shovel while I screamed. Noah laughed so hard he fell over and accidentally threw the disgusting thing at me, then he’d spent the next week apologizing by bringing me donuts every day.
I’ll never hear his laugh again.
I fucked his best friend and sent him to his death…
My fists clench at my sides. Now is not the time. I’m here to confront the last of my demons before putting Deadwood in my rearview mirror for good. After this, I’ll never have to think about that town or anything that happened there ever again.
I look up, realizing that I’ve made it halfway down the hallway without paying attention to the rooms I’m passing. Not that I need to. There’s only one with a corrections officer stationed out front.
With my stomach tangled in knots, I drag my boots to the end of the hallway, hesitating when I spot the name of the burly officer embroidered into his gray-and-blue uniform.
Kelp …
“Can I help you, miss?” Officer Kelp asks, one dark brow raised as he eyes my ratty appearance.
There’s only a thin sliding-glass door separating me from my mother, but I still can’t find the strength to look past the officer’s brawny chest. “I-I’m here to see my mom,” I say after an awkward pause, silently cursing myself for stammering.
The tawny skin near his eyes crinkles when he points toward the nurses’ station. “I’m sure one of the staff members can help. Unfortunately, my partner’s on break and I’m unable to leave?—”
“No, you don’t understand.” I shake my head, hoping it covers the wobbly quality of my voice. “My name’s Willa Dunn, I think we spoke on the phone the other day? I was trying to get a hold of my neighbor, but the hospital’s automated system kept connecting me to this room. My mother’s in there…”
Officer Kelp’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, Miss Dunn,” he says after smoothing away his horrified expression. “Your mother’s not allowed to have visitors. Once we’re back at the prison hospital, our chief medical officer can clear you for a visit.” He smiles, but it’s forced.
I bite my inner cheek, shifting my weight onto my opposite heel to keep myself from turning around and leaving. “You’ve let my dad visit.”
Officer Kelp’s grin drops abruptly. “Your father had medical power of attorney. He also never actually went into the room. Well—” He tilts his head to the side. “He went in once about six months ago, but that was authorized and he’ll never make that mistake again. Sorry, kid. I can’t let you in.”
My hands tremble as I shove them into my pockets. “I just found out she was alive yesterday,” I say softly, trying to keep my voice even. “What if this is my only chance for closure?” Tears well in my lower lids, but I quickly blink them away. “ Please . I have to put this behind me, and I can’t do that without talking to her, and?—”
My voice cracks, the rest of the thought lodging in my throat.
Officer Kelp stares at me for a long moment, the deep brown of his eyes soft and contemplative until he sighs and turns to slide the door open. “My partner will be back in twenty minutes. If anyone asks, I thought you were hospital staff.”
Knees trembling, I murmur a soft thank you and take a step forward—only to hesitate on the threshold of the dark room.
Every person I’ve ever loved has betrayed my trust, but my mother was the first. The woman in that room should have loved me unconditionally, but was instead the source of all the horrible moments in my life .
Does she regret trying to kill me? Could I ever forgive her if she does?
Will I forgive myself for my part in my brother’s death?
…Can any of us come back from our biggest mistakes?
I’ll never know if I can’t find the courage to walk into this damn room. With a deep breath, I steel my spine and step inside.