Chapter 9 #2
“I’m not a police officer.” I groan. “Come on, you guys. Look, I do not know Jack Heathcliff like that. Trust me. I think I’ve met him fewer than a handful of times.
Yes, I dated his brother for a couple of weeks, but we didn’t even end on good terms. Also, this was back in high school.
And he dumped me.” I decide not to go into all the subsequent details of how I got the job because I don’t really want them to second-guess everything I’ve just said to them.
Nor do I want their heads to be filled with more salacious gossip if I tell them that Jack was actually the one I’d initially liked.
“So how did you get this job, anyway?” Xander asks, and I want to tell him to shut up. Why is he pushing it when I so obviously do not want to talk about it?
“Because I was looking for a marketing position, and this one just happened to be open. And I guess I got lucky or maybe unlucky, because it’s not like we’re really doing any heavy lifting here,” I say under my breath.
“I believe her,” Marina nods. “I mean, if she were really tight with Jack, she wouldn’t be here in the dungeon with us. She’d be in exec row up on the 50th floor.”
Cora grunts, “I suppose that rings true. I mean, we know that we don’t deserve to be here but imagine him putting you in the dungeons with us if he really was your friend.”
“I mean, it’s not the dungeons in here,” I say graciously. “But I suppose other people do have nicer offices.”
“That’s the problem with Heathcliff Enterprises,” Cora says, now getting loud.
“They just don’t value good employees like me.
” She looks at Xander and Marina for sympathy.
“Can you believe that Jack Heathcliff asked me if I just started working here? I have been practically running this company for years.” I press my lips together to stop from laughing.
“Have you though?” Xander asks, and I’m glad he voiced what I was thinking, because I think it’s a bit of a leap for Cora to say she’s been running the company when she barely knows how to work Excel.
As far as I can see, she’s lucky she hasn’t been let go a long time ago—but there was no way on God’s green earth that I was going to say that.
“I mean, how have you been running the company?” He asks again.
“I think that you’re missing the point here,” Cora says in a huff. “That’s the problem with all these bigwigs. They take all the credit and all the money while we do all the work. This conference coming up is a lot of work, and they are the ones who are celebrated. Why are we the grunt workers?”
“Yeah, and why do I have to put the bio together for this crap? Don’t they already know their own bios?” Marina hisses.
“So what exactly is this conference?” I am worried anarchy is about to break out. “I’m not even sure what these bios are for.”
“I guess for shareholders or something.” Cora shrugs, her eyes blank. “Do you know, Xander?”
He looks off to the side with a bored expression. “I just know that some of the guys on the board are extremely attractive. I’ve been gathering the photos to put into the slides, and hello—if any of them are gay, please let them know I’m single.”
“Marina, do you know?” I ask her, wondering if she had a clue.
“I mean, there’s a conference coming up.” She shrugs. “The slides are for the conference.”
“Yeah, but what’s the conference about?”
“I don’t know 100%, but that’s because I wasn’t invited to the conference,” she says quickly. “I’m just a lowly—”
“Guys, come on. This is our job. We are creating the slideshow presentation for this conference, and not one of us knows what it’s about.” I looked around, not wanting to be a bitch, but this was ridiculous. No wonder no one knew who they were.
“Well, why should we care? He didn’t even know I’ve been his employee for 20 years,” Cora frowns. “I’m most probably the longest-serving employee at the company.”
“Are you?” I ask.
She shrugs. “I mean, I don’t know if technically that’s true, but I have to be one of the longest. I mean, I’m sure if we put the hours I’ve worked and the amount of money they’ve made, then I’m most probably responsible for at least a couple of billion in revenue.”
Xander, Marina, and I all give her a look. Her logic is just not reasonable. “From doing what, Cora? Calling your husband and eating free food in the cafeteria?”
“Well, I’ll have you know that I was instrumental in putting together the email list that went out to banks for dinner that was held many moons ago when Senior was still here.” She huffs.
“Senior?” I ask.
“Jack’s dad. He used to run the company.”
“I see, anyway, let’s rally. Let’s make a name for ourselves! I feel like we are all looked upon as lowly nothings. But we’re not. Each one of us brings something meaningful to the company.” I don’t actually believe that, but you can’t be 100% honest when you’re trying to give a pep talk.
“You know what we should do?” Xander says wickedly.
“No, what?” I’m hopeful he will have a good plan.
“We should write fake bios for all of them. Slam them. Expose all their secrets.”
“What secrets?”
“No idea, but I’m sure I could guess a couple of them. Or make some up. And then when it gets presented, they’ll all be so embarrassed.” He bursts out laughing. “They will know who we are then.”
“That’s not a good idea.” I groan.
“I don’t know. I’m just talking out of my ass. I’m still shook that you know Jack Heathcliff — and you didn’t even tell us. He’s our enemy.”
“Well, I wouldn’t be shook, because as I said, I dated his brother, and his brother dumped me after cheating on me, and… well, if I’m truly honest, it was Jack who made him dump me. He didn’t think I was good enough for his brother.”
“No way. You see? He’s a jerk, too,” Xander continues. “We totally need to write those fake bios. You down, Cora?”
“They need to be named and shamed.” She nods.
“Marina?”
“I mean, I don’t really know them, but sure,” she shrugs. “Let’s do it. It’ll be fun.”
“Not a good idea, you guys. We will be fired.”
“Oh, we’re just doing it for fun, Ms. Goody two-shoes.” Xander rolls his eyes. “We won’t actually use it in the presentation. It’ll be a bonding experience.”
“It’ll be cathartic.” Marina nods. “Come on, let’s have some fun.”
“Okay then. I guess.” I shrug and nod. I do want to seem like a team player. “Let’s write these juicy fake bios, and then we have to work on the real ones, okay.”
“Yes, of course.” Cora grins. “Let me get my laptop and type them up. You, youngsters, can create the ideas.”
“I mean, I don’t really know what we would say.” I watch as they head to the corner of the room, next to Cora’s desk, and all take a seat. “I haven’t really been here that long. I mean, I can’t stand Jack, but I don’t really know what I would say.”
“We’ll think of something,” Marina says with a laugh. “But we’ll have to make sure to do the real ones as well, as they are due in two days.”
The Shareholder Director Assholes of Heathcliff Enterprises
Jack Heathcliff
What can we say about our esteemed CEO? He’s been in more beds than Don Juan.
Unfortunately for him, no one is bragging about his prowess between the sheets.
But at least he has a lot of money to keep him warm at night.
It’s a pity our greedy and rude leader can’t be bothered to remember who his employees are and give them adequate raises.
He thinks he’s hot stuff, but all we see is goo that should be flushed down the loo.
Someone needs to tell this man that he’s not God’s gift to women, nor the sexiest man alive.
Not even close. So my advice to all who want to work with him and/or be on his board of shareholders is watch out for your wives, they may succumb to his scorpion charms.
Louis Seerkit
What do a rat, a pot-bellied pig, and a skunk have in common?
They all act, look, and smell like Louis, the rudest director to ever exist in the world.
Shannon Nashville
Shannon, the eighties called and they want their hairstyle back.
You’re not Farah Fawcett, and you will never be an Angel.
Get off your high horse and stop sending emails that are supposed to be motivational, but actually make people want to slit their wrists.
We all know you’ve had multiple rounds of Botox, married a billionaire who was on his deathbed for money, and stole from Cartier when you were younger.
So stop trying to act like the morality police. We are not your humble servants.
Marina reads off the list of bios that we’ve all written together, and I can’t stop myself from laughing, even though I’ve never even met Louis or Shannon yet.
Writing these bios is almost like a bonding experience, and I realize that while these three people are virtually strangers to me and quite weird, I’m already beginning to like them.
I feel a kindred spirit between us. We’re all just trying to make our way in life, while also pursuing our bigger dreams. We all want to be seen, recognized, and complimented.
“Let’s do Jon Reddington now,” Xander says, clapping his hands eagerly. “That man needs to be taken down a ring or two.”
“Wait, isn’t that the guy you were flirting with at the Christmas party?” Marina tilts her head to the side. “The one that you said was…” Her voice trails off as Xander glares at her. “Fine, let’s do him next. If you really want to.”
“Oh, I want to.” Xander taps his fingers against the wooden desk, leans his head back, and then clears his throat. “Okay, are you ready, Cora? I’ve got the most perfect bio that the world has ever seen for that jerk.”
“Why is he a jerk exactly?” I ask, curious if this Jon was some sort of ex-lover that had scorned him or something.”
“You’re about to find out,” Xander mutters.
“But that’s the last time I will ever offer to get someone a drink.
Can you imagine the man thought I was the waitstaff and gave me a drink order for ten people?
The rudeness of it all.” He moves around on his seat like he’s shaking off the leftover contempt that he still holds in his heart, and I try not to laugh.
These fake bios are absurd, but they are fun in their own twisted ways.
I’m just glad that we’ve almost finished the real bios as well.
I’d hate for us to fail the very first task I was put on.