Chapter 2 #2
The day has come early. A violent storm overtook Briarwood Hall, and a tree collapsed in the front garden.
While the staff and the duke were distracted, I managed to drag myself to the stables, load up a mare, and pull myself onto the saddle.
That is not an easy thing to do when I am pregnant and still so injured.
I managed to push through the pain and arrived at the gates of the Harcourt estate.
Lady Harcourt took one look at my arrival and has allowed me sanctuary. She is too kind. She has allowed me to stay for as long as I wish to. We have decided that I am not to tell people about the duke. We shall tell them that I am a young widow, my husband lost to war, and she is giving me refuge.
I suspect the cottage will be abandoned. My life in the duke’s world shall be erased.
I have sewn my marriage lines into my bag and have asked Lady Harcourt to keep the bag safe.
It is the only proof I have that any of that was real?
Roderick closed the book with a snap. His eyes were glassy, his hands shaking, his heart racing.
“My mother… The duke…” he whispered. None of it made sense. Then, his mind went to how the duke had treated her. He looked down at his hands.
I was born from a violent man. What if violence lives within me?
His mind spiraled; the world felt small around him.
What if I turn out like my father?
What if I hurt the people around me?
He did not hear the door to his cottage opening.
“Roderick!” Oswin called out.
“Ah!” Roderick gasped, almost falling backward out of his chair. “Oswin, when—?”
“I have been here for but a moment. You were very distant,” Oswin said gently. “Mama said you may well be in a dreadful state after reading the journal. It would appear she was correct. Come. Let us take a walk. We can go through the woods.”
“I do not know if I am capable of such a thing tonight,” Roderick said. “I feel… Unmoored.”
“All the more reason to walk,” Oswin said, taking Roderick’s hand and pulling him to stand up. “Let us go now. We can walk for but a short time, and then you can sulk in your cottage for the rest of the night.”
“I…” Roderick wanted to argue, but he nodded instead. “You are correct; let us go.”
The woods at night were cool. Light from the stars and moon shone through the leaves of the large beech trees above them.
“It would appear my mother hid much of her past from me for a reason,” Roderick began, running a hand down his face.
“She had been married to a man who had not recognized her or myself publicly. He was violent and cruel. I am truly shocked she was able to hide something like that and never give you or I an inkling of such a dark past.”
“Well, she befriended my mother, so I am not surprised she was strong. I do wish this was not how you had found out about it though,” Oswin said.
“I agree,” Roderick replied. “And I do not know how best to react to information such as this. What if violence runs in my blood? What if I am a danger to those around me and we are not aware of it yet?”
He shuddered, afraid to be the sort of man who would bring a wife home, only to hurt her. Would he ever even find a wife who would be able to love a man who was so uncertain of his own nature? Then there were his friends and family. Would he hurt them too?
“If blood determined character, then as the descendant of admirals, generals, and theologians, I would be insufferably virtuous!” Oswin laughed, grinning.
“I suppose,” Roderick replied. “But what if the right situation had not yet come out to show my violent side? What if there will be some horrid future day where I hurt you?”
Oswin hesitated as they walked, suddenly deep in thought.
“If that day were to come—” Oswin started, but a noise caught both men off guard.
They froze, looking toward a dark corner of the woods.
The trees around them suddenly seemed darker, the branches like long fingers reaching toward them.
Roderick felt his heart thundering in his chest. He swallowed hard as he attempted to focus on the source of the noise.
Before either man could understand what had just happened, a deer sprinted out of the bush.
It was coming toward them. Roderick grabbed Oswin’s coat and pulled him back, putting himself between his brother and the racing beast. The deer thundered past them.
Roderick’s heart thudded hard, his breath coming in short pants.
“See?” Oswin said. Roderick looked at him, confused and still full of shock from the moment.
“See what?” Roderick asked.
“This is who you are. Not a violent man, but a man who wishes to protect those he loves. You are your mother’s son. Not your father’s,” Oswin said with a big grin.
Roderick looked at him and let out a weak laugh.
“Ah, you are always quick to point out the logic of a situation,” Roderick laughed breathlessly.
“I suppose I am…” he added. The words came easily, even if the conviction did not.
Some small part of him was not so easily convinced.
He looked up at Oswin. “But I will need you to keep me this way, and make sure I do not turn into something worse.”
“I am not worried about such a thing,” Oswin said, clapping Roderick on the shoulder. “But now that you know this information, that you are the son of a duke, what do you wish to do about it?”
Roderick hesitated for a moment.
“I will not claim the dukedom yet,” Roderick replied gently. “I wish to gather more information and send out inquiries before I choose which path to take.”
“I believe that is an excellent decision,” Oswin said with a smile. “Come, let us get you back to the cottage. I believe it is late enough in the night, and you must be fatigued after such a day.”
“I am,” Roderick nodded.
The pair turned and walked back to the cottage. Roderick walked inside and said goodbye to Oswin before closing the door. He looked back at the journal, having left it on the chair by the fire.
“Oh, Mother,” he whispered, picking up the book. “I wish you had been able to tell me this in person.”
He looked at the book in his hands and placed it on his bookcase.
He looked at it in its new place for a moment and something loosened in his chest.
Then you can keep her alive, through memory, through stories.
Millicent’s words echoed in his mind.
“I will do just that,” he whispered.
I will learn all of your story.