Chapter 26 #2
“I know life has not been all that kind to you. I knew the duke’s mother,” she explained. “We became friends after she fled. She told me everything, so I am well aware of what that man was like. I am also aware of what it costs a woman to survive a man like that.”
Lavinia nodded, her eyes turning glossy.
“Thank you,” she said. “I had not known that I needed to hear that. In truth, I was not certain what to expect from meeting you.”
“Expectations are nothing to worry over. All I expected was to meet the woman who held down this estate despite everything against her,” Millicent chuckled. “And who had turned this practical, guarded young man into such a mess.” She gestured toward the duke.
Roderick cleared his throat and watched as the Millicent pretended to ignore him, Lavinia attempting to not laugh at that reaction.
“I should leave you to rest,” Millicent said. “I am also quite fatigued from the trip.”
“I understand,” Lavinia replied. “Please, take all the time you need to recover. I shall do the same.”
“Good,” Lady Harcourt said with a nod, before turning to leave. She caught Roderick’s eye, giving him a pointed look as she left.
For a moment, silence stretched between them.
“How are you feeling?” he finally managed to ask.
“Better, thank you.”
“Good,” he replied with a nod.
Silence returned. Roderick pursed his lips, unsure if he should leave or not.
“Is it true?” she finally asked.
“Is what true?”
“What Mr. Pike told Cecily. That you reached out to Mr. Thornbury this morning without waiting for my instruction,” she explained, looking toward him.
“I did,” he admitted. “I am sorry. I know I should have waited for you, but you were unwell. I knew that you wanted this done, and that if you missed your opportunity because you were unwell, then you would have been furious.”
He watched her, unsure how to read her expression.
“If you are angry, then I more than deserve that; I have repeated a mistake, and I—”
“Your Grace,” Lavinia interrupted. “The circumstances of this are different.”
“I… Are you angry?” he asked, his hands clasping behind his back.
“Not angry per se,” she began. “No, I am not angry at all. The fatigue is making me feel worse than I believe I should,” she said with a sigh. “I am actually grateful.”
“Grateful?” he asked, slowly taking the seat across from her.
“Indeed,” she nodded. “I am not good at showing my gratitude to people. Especially when I am unwell. I will endeavor to show you my gratitude when I am better.”
“No, you have no need to,” Roderick said softly. “I have done enough to upset you in recent days that if my punishment was some reservation of gratitude, that would be an incredibly light punishment.”
Lavinia snorted under a laugh and nodded, a flicker of a smile on her face.
“I am glad you understand the severity of my anger,” she said softly.
“I am more than aware of it,” he replied. “And I will be endeavoring to make amends. Properly. Not kind platitudes. Proper reparations.”
“I appreciate that,” she said, nodding. Roderick smiled weakly, his hands twisting in front of him.
“I have been told that news is spreading quickly,” he continued. “That should mean that the rumors will fade soon. You have done what you set out to do.”
“I have,” she nodded slowly. “If I am honest, I had thought I would feel more relieved.”
“What do you feel then, if not relief?” he asked.
She paused, her eyes focusing on something out in the garden.
“I just feel… empty…”
Roderick’s stomach sank.
“Well… What is it you intend to do now?” he asked, attempting to move the conversation in a more pleasant direction.
“I do not know,” she said. “For two years, I knew exactly what I wanted. Independence. Control. Safety. Now, everything has shifted, and I cannot find my footing. I thought I was desperately scrambling toward solid ground by dispelling those rumors. Now it is done, and I still feel as if I am free-falling.”
Roderick nodded slowly.
“I have handled everything poorly,” he whispered. “From the moment we met. I always believed that I was being practical, or I was protecting you, but I was afraid. Afraid of what I truly wanted.”
Lavinia tilted her head slightly.
“What you truly wanted?” she asked.
He opened and closed his mouth, the truth sitting in his throat but refusing to come out. He shook his head and leaned back in his chair.
“You deserved my honesty,” he whispered. “And all I have given you were schemes. I am sorry.”
Lavinia nodded slowly, her eyes turning glassy again.
“I had just begun to trust you,” she whispered. “That was why it hurt so much. I am not a trusting person, and having it broken like that…”
“I know,” he whispered. “I should have never done that to the person I…”
Love.
She watched him carefully, but he just could not say the word.
The door opened suddenly, Cecily walking in.
“Sorry for interrupting. But the dressmaker has arrived.”
“The dressmaker?” Roderick asked.
“Yes, Lavinia needs a gown for the ball at Wycliffe Manor tomorrow,” Cecily explained. Roderick groaned and put his head in his hands.
“I knew I had forgotten about something…” he mumbled.
“Thank you for informing me, Cecily. Tell her I will be there shortly,” Lavinia replied. Cecily nodded and left the room quickly. Roderick sighed.
“I should leave you so you can focus on the fitting,” he added as he stood up.
“Your Grace,” Lavinia said before he reached the door. “We should finish our conversation. Soon. But not now.”
“Of course,” he replied with a nod. Roderick paused, as if willing the word to come out that he had not been able to say, but he failed. “Whatever happens tomorrow. At the ball… Whatever choice you happen to make, I will respect it.”
“Choice?” she asked.
“You will see,” he said softly. “Just… Whatever choice you make, please, let it be your choice, not anyone else's.”
Something akin to understanding settled over her expression and she nodded slowly. Roderick left before he could say anything else, especially something he might regret.
He walked toward his study and pushed open the door, only to be met with Oswin and Lady Harcourt having tea.
“Ah, Roderick! Please, join us!. Tell me, have you put any thought into the situation with Miss Devereux?”
“If I am being honest, I am not entirely certain,” he sighed.
“If I may speak plainly, dear, I knew your mother. And I know she did not raise a coward.”
Roderick flinched.
“I saw how you looked at her.” Millicent continued.“Oswin has told me how you interact. If you love her, then you need to fight for her. Not with schemes. Certainly not with arrangements. With honesty. Because if you do anything else, you will lose her.”
Roderick nodded, looking toward the fireplace. The flames flickered and he let his thoughts run free.
The ball is tomorrow. There is every chance that Lord Casterleigh will make his intentions known. Lord Fenwick will be watching us, expecting us all to play our part. But… I cannot. If I do not admit my truth, then I will lose the person I love.
Forever.