Chapter 18 Natalie
NATALIE
“You look happy.”
I smiled at Anya and prayed I wouldn’t blush.
Of course I looked happy. Sergei and I stole a few kisses in the master closet and I figured out the quickest way to make him come.
Being on my knees and sucking him off was so naughty, but it turned me on to please him.
To get him off. He, however, decided that he’d take his time and make me almost beg for him to let me come as he went down on me, using his masterful tongue and fingers so well that I had to bite into a pillow not to scream.
What are you doing to me, Sergei?
Is your goal to make me addicted?
“I’m surprised.”
I raised my brows at her, alarmed. We were watching Roman teach Maisie how to swim.
When I first learned of the tunnel that connected the buildings on this block, keeping the men of the Orlov Family close, I was impressed.
Shocked, too. We’d walked down the tunnel to reach Roman’s building so many times now that it was weird to think back to when I hadn’t known these men existed, that this tunnel was here.
Sometimes, it caught me off-guard, how much my life had changed. Last month, I’d learned the pleasure of being with Sergei as more than a friend or charity case. The month before that, I’d learned how good it was to not have to work and focus on being a mother.
And I was happy. Anya called it, and I wouldn’t deny it. All my needs were met. I wanted for nothing. Yet, this happiness scared me. Because I had been in this position before. All my needs had been met before Fitz was killed. I wanted for nothing when he was alive and taking care of me and Maisie.
Then I’d lost him. My world was shattered.
There was absolutely nothing that could promise it wouldn’t happen again.
Actually, the fear was more present and real with Sergei.
He was a dangerous Mafia man and he had plenty of enemies.
He lived in a world of danger, and he could very well be at more of a risk to be killed than Fitz had been on that one random night when he was too close to crime not related to him.
I wouldn’t deny myself this happiness I’d found by befriending Sergei and trusting him. Yet, it terrified me to think of losing him, of losing this.
“You’re surprised that I’m happy?” I asked Anya, who was distracted watching Maisie.
“Yay! You did it!” She clapped, beaming at her.
I jumped in and cheered Maisie’s jump into the water. I hadn’t been paying attention, hooked on what Anya said.
“Yes. Sergei is just so serious. Quiet.” She shrugged. “It’s taken me a while to get to know everyone here since I moved home to live with my father, but I’ve always wondered about Sergei. He’s more aloof than Andre or Roman.”
I nodded. “I think that’s what draws me to him,” I confessed. “He’s not pushy. He’s not overbearing—usually. After my husband died, I wanted to focus on forging my own path and being independent. If Sergei had ever acted overly dominant too soon, I wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him.”
She nodded and gave me a sad smile. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I sighed and thanked her. “I’m sorry for yours, too.”
She arched a brow. “What loss?”
“Claire told me that you lost your mother when you were young.”
She scoffed. “I didn’t lose her. I never had her. She killed herself. Besides, even if she hadn’t done that, I doubt she ever would’ve been a mother to me. She was too selfish and concerned about herself to be a parent. She never wanted to be married or to have children.”
“Whoa.” I opened my eyes wide, sorry I’d opened that topic.
“Sorry. I can be blunt about it. Finally.” She continued, telling me how jaded and biased her mother’s family was in Russia. It was a chaotic move here to live with her estranged father, but they found their way to really connect and be a family. Claire had a lot to do with it.
“But you’re not like that. You’re such a great mom to Maisie.” Anya smiled sweetly. “Have you always wanted children?”
Even though Anya was just a teen, it wasn’t weird to talk about this with her.
She was old enough to at least have thought about her own life, if she’d want to marry or have a family.
“I always did. Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a big family. I’d play house.
I’d play ‘family’.” I let out a happy exhale at the memories.
“Some people have those ideals in mind and others don’t.
And life throws curveballs to change it all, anyway. ”
“I’m sorry.” She shook her head sadly. “It must have been so hard to lose your husband.”
“It was,” I agreed. “But I’m learning how to move on.”
I was telling her the truth, but later that night, after Sergei fucked me until I passed out, I wondered if it was wrong to move on like this.
I tried not to compare Sergei with the memory of Fitz. There were hardly any similarities and so many differences. Sergei was a dominant lover, pushing my limits and never shying from any toys or anything too rough. Fitz never dared to explore at all, a missionary and gentle lover.
But that’s okay. No two men are the same.
I got hung up on it because of how I always thought Fitz would be my first and last.
Sergei was a dangerous man working with thugs and criminals and used to weaponry. Fitz was an engineer, a pacifist who cowered from confrontations.
And that’s fine. They’re both special to me.
Scolding myself to quit comparing them and worrying if I was dishonoring my husband’s memory by moving on to someone so drastically different, I fell into my other habit of looking forward, not dwelling on the past that I couldn’t change but instead on the future that was unwritten.
I could see myself being here, living with Sergei and letting him experience the joy of watching Maisie grow up happy and protected.
I could envision myself in the short-term future, too, as a guest at Claire’s wedding and then later to meet her baby.
Still, as I fantasized about staying with Sergei and having a solid future with him, I knew that shadows lurked. They had so many enemies, so many threats. While they never touched me here, I knew that these Mafia men were dangerous.
What if Sergei ends up like Fitz?
I shuddered at Sergei being shot or stabbed again, like he had been recently. I’d asked about the new-looking scars on his side and he told me about how Claire was the ER doctor when he’d been injured.
Or what if Sergei does the same kind of “business” that those men did when they killed Fitz?
Mafia men were in a class of their own, but in my mind, I hated the mere possibility that my hero, my strong lover, could be no better than the street thugs and Cartel men who were responsible for shooting Fitz that night.
Aren’t they all the same?
Criminals who operate under laws of their own?
What’s the difference, anyway?
Moving on with a man so like the ones who’d taken my late husband seemed too cruel and ironic of a fate to accept.
“Just go to sleep,” I whispered to myself.
Closing my eyes, I wished I could be brave enough to sleep with Sergei and stay in his bed.
His strong embrace always relaxed me, but we were both too aware of keeping our relationship a secret from Maisie.
The last thing I needed was for her to find us together and wonder if Sergei was more than a friend.
Maybe I can talk to Claire tomorrow.
Stuck between wanting to be happy and needing to be cautious, I looked forward to speaking with Claire again.
Like me, she’d been a normal, ordinary citizen, not born into this Mafia world like Anya had been.
It would do me well to hear a woman’s perspective, Claire’s thoughts about all of this.
Although Sergei had yet to ask me to make anything official with him, I felt like I needed to think things through before actually committing to him or anything we could be.
Wait. She’s not here. She’s out of town.
I furrowed my brow, not opening my eyes.
She’d become such an ally, a sounding board in a different way than Daria had been.
But she’d be back. I looked forward to talking to her and getting another perspective on how to be more confident in letting my healing heart be open to the man who seemed ready to hold it and protect it.
As I fell asleep, I realized I was looking forward to many things now that I was fitting in with this family.