Chapter 30 Natalie
NATALIE
Even though I left Sergei’s room hours ago, late at night after I’d gone to him so he could drive me wild with three orgasms before having his own, I was tempted to seek him out again as soon as I woke up.
The morning dawned so quiet in my room. The bed felt like a vast sea of space, cool to touch beside me.
Loneliness crept into me as I blinked and fully woke up.
After such a passionate night of hard sex and intense intimacy with the rugged man I couldn’t get enough of and wanted nothing to do with, I felt like I was lacking something… more.
Because you’re too afraid of anything more.
You’re too nervous to trust him.
No, I was too nervous to trust myself. I’d gotten involved with Sergei because he’d dangled a carrot in front of me—the allure of security.
That was one carrot I couldn’t resist. Then later, once we caved, he enticed me to want more of his wicked kisses and sensual touches.
He taunted me to wish for every husky murmur of praise and each stubborn and bossy demand.
I was scared that I would get in too deep again. That because I wanted him so badly, I would lose all logic and not be smart about staying here or viewing his actions wisely.
But it wasn’t like we were leaving. He gave me a car. He hadn’t released my apartment yet. Both of those details felt like a joke, though. With every day that Maisie and I lived with him, the more she was attached to him.
And with every day and night that goes by, the more I want to be attached to him.
It wasn’t only the sex. Physically, he completed me. Feeling him fill me and pound into me made me feel like the luckiest, most-satisfied woman in the world. Each time we came together, he saw to it that I was thoroughly pleased.
Yet, each time after we’d surrender to each other, I was left with the lingering sense of wishing we could share more.
Cuddles.
Pillow talk.
Holding hands.
The more that I fell right back into letting him be the master of my body, the more I wondered what it would be like to embrace all of what he could be.
My man. My protector. My hero. My lover.
My husband?
Recoiling at the instant dislike of having to use that label on someone who wasn’t Fitz, I sighed and knew I needed to move on. To well and truly look forward.
It wasn’t just me that he was changing. Maisie was impacted as well. There was no hiding how much she favored him, how much she enjoyed being near him.
Sergei could be her father.
I swallowed past the lump of emotion that stuck in my throat. Thinking of it like that sounded too cruel, like a tasteless dismissal of Fitz’s memory, an insult to him that I’d consider letting his killer replace him.
It wouldn’t be like that. I scolded myself to not make this about me. Maisie needed a father. She needed more of a support system than only me. It would be greedy and selfish of me to deprive her of having another father because of my inability to forgive and forget and fully move on.
His footsteps sounded closer as he approached my room, the sound reaching me clearly through the small gap of my door not fully closed.
For such a big, strong man, he had a stealthy ability to sneak up without too much noise.
I leaned up on my pillows, watching as he entered and closed the door behind himself.
A slow, sexy smile lifted his lips as he saw me.
Mere hours had passed, and he was missing me already.
I was too.
Not just to feel his dick so deep inside me and stretching me until I shattered. Not only to experience the magic of his fingers and mouth on my clit.
I missed him.
I missed waking up with a man and cuddling lazily.
I missed knowing my man would be there for me and cherish our time together.
Stop. Stop projecting what it was like with Fitz on him.
Sergei was a ruthless, busy Mafia man. He didn’t have time to cuddle or be lazy with me.
“What’s wrong?”
Dammit. He was too good at reading me. Or maybe I was just that expressive. Claire had the same knack for guessing my moods and thoughts too.
“I guess I’m kind of lonely.” I shrugged.
“That won’t do.” He joined me in bed, getting under the covers and letting me feel the brand of warmth from his hard body flush with mine. “You shouldn’t have left last night if you’d end up lonely in here.”
I closed my eyes as he kissed up my neck after that tease. He knew that we were both in agreement on hiding the fact that he and I were a couple in front of Maisie. I had no clue how—when or if—to tell her that “Mister” could be dropped from his name.
Even though he was feeling me up and not wasting time for us to fool around, going with the easy route of connecting physically, I felt the sincere concern in his tone.
He cared.
He didn’t like the idea of my being lonely.
I didn’t think that he ever stopped caring about me. Perhaps from the first time I saw him at the Diamond Mirage.
He cares because he’s not the villain.
He cares because he wants what’s best for me, not himself.
He cares because…
I drew in a shaky breath.
He cares because he’s exactly the kind of man I want to love.
The kind of man that might love me.
The man I do love.
Thinking that to myself was one thing. But to confess it aloud was a whole other challenge.
I couldn’t. Not now. Not yet. I wasn’t sure how to admit I loved this man. I vowed to never forgive my husband’s killer. I didn’t want to look past Sergei’s part in Fitz’s death. But the contradictions of who he was ate away at me.
He could be so controlling and dominant as my lover, ensuring I would always be taken care of.
Not evil and wishing me any malice like a stone-cold killer.
He’s not tender and gentle.
Not like Fitz.
I never had to wonder what to expect with my late husband, but taking a chance on my feelings for Sergei felt like being stuck on a roller coaster, leaving me without a way to know what might happen next.
Stop.
Stop comparing him to Fitz.
Stop looking for what you had before.
Move on.
Don’t torture yourself with comparing them.
“Mommy?”
Maisie’s voice sounded from outside my bedroom door.
Sergei froze, his fingers and lips going still.
“Mommy? I can’t sleep no more.”
He groaned slightly, too quietly for her to hear. Then before she could open the door and find us together in bed, he braced himself up over me, kissed my forehead, and snuck off to hide in my bathroom.
I lay there, letting my heart slow down from the foreplay he’d instigated. It never mattered how long we played around or what he did. He had the unique skill to make my heart race and my pussy drip.
After I cleared my throat, I called out to her. “Okay, I’m awake too, baby girl.”
I blinked, willing away the disappointment that I wouldn’t get to make Sergei come with me.
And as Maisie opened the door and smiled at me, I sighed with a secret bit of relief that I was spared from having to think right now. I was saved from having to war with the desire and love for the man I was convinced I shouldn’t want.
I don’t want to play games. Not with myself or him.
“Come here,” I told Maisie gently, letting her crawl onto the bed to snuggle with me.
Seeing her approach, I knew that I had to be certain about my actions and intentions where she was concerned too.
If I couldn’t shed this guiltiness over wanting Fitz’s killer, I wasn’t prepared to begin introducing the idea that we could be a family with the dangerous but loving man hiding in my bathroom.
Talking to Maisie lulled her to get sleepy, and with my hand stroking her hair back, she was asleep in no time. I cleared my throat gently, and Sergei came out of the bathroom.
He smiled at us on the bed as he walked up to kiss the top of her head, then mine. Affection and love shone in his stormy blue eyes, but as he left the room, I couldn’t help but suspect his small smile was strained.
Like he anticipated that we’d never be able to be a family unit at all.