Chapter 20 Sai
Last night was rough.
It took all three of us to put the big fucker to sleep, or rather knock him out.
Kane contained some of his darkness, Zeek was in his mind, and I threw every trick I had to drag our big guy back to the surface. Past memories, pain, even tried a little Faeish. That seemed to crack his bloodthirsty shell for a few minutes, but we couldn’t keep it up.
In the end, another dose of Henbane finally dropped him.
Julien’s just too weak in this state to fight it, but he’s already becoming more immune. Every dose has to be stronger, and we’ve got to drain him near-empty before we risk trying to stick him with a needle.
So when he eventually passed out, Zeek left to stay next door to our girl, and I didn’t even argue about it. Pretty sure I just collapsed.
Next thing I know, Kane’s waking me, saying it’s morning.
Which means I get to see Red, and that helped drag me out of there. Knowing Kane would stay with Julien was the other reason. Because I’ll never leave Julien alone. He can snarl at me, make threats, try and rip off my arms—doesn’t matter.
Never.
Now it’s been three days, four nights, and there’s no hint of him breaking through.
We’re all so fucking tired, and we’re running out of ideas.
And the one person I always turn to for help, the one constant in my life, isn’t here.
Because he’s in the Pit.
Fuck.
All I want is my mate back.
“Sai?”
But she’s here. Her voice a fucking drug, so damn medicinal after a night with Julien’s snarls.
“Sorry, Red. I’m just—”
“Exhausted. I know. I can feel it.” She gives me a small, sad smile and I hate it.
Of course she can feel it—fuck, I’m so fucking stupid. And if she can feel that, she can probably feel all the other sad, mopey shit I’m slogging through too.
“I’d really like to see him, Sai,” she says, again.
Third time she’s said that to me. Not counting how she asks Kane every morning, and Zeek every night over text.
We all agreed it was too dangerous. Way too risky.
Worst risk? Julien loses himself to his bloodlust, breaks out, finds Red and drains… I can’t finish that one.
Another? Maybe he feeds from her, and maybe he holds back, but it’s too late. She’ll never trust us again, she’s terrified, she leaves us.
And the best option? Still horrific.
Julien keeps rotting in the Pit for as long as his darkness makes him. Months, years, decades. Centuries?
I can’t even think about that. Can’t imagine that long without my buddy by my side. I trauma-bonded to that fucker the moment we met. He doesn’t get to leave me—
Warmth engulfs my hand, and the horrid, gnawing thoughts melt away until all I see is her.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” Her voice is soft, sad eyes searching mine. “I just think I could help. Maybe I could manipulate his emotions? Ease his hunger?”
She must see the second those horrid thoughts regain power, because she immediately changes tack.
“Go home and rest, Sai. We can—”
Her fingers, her heat, her calming touch, it all starts to slip from me—
“No. Don’t.” I shake my head, tightening my hold as I stare down at her hand, see the dull pulse of my markings barely light her skin. “I need this.” I swallow, looking back at her. “I need you.”
Shouldn’t have said that last part. Should’ve kept it locked in my head, damn it. But it’s the truth, she’s the only thing pulling me through this.
When Julien was in the Pit last time, when I considered going to the Fae Realm just to feel something, she called to me. Stopped me.
That same night, I find out she’d somehow eased Julien’s beast. Enough that he didn’t even try to feed from her.
He came back to me, smug as fuck, told me I’d lost our bet, then laid out what he thought she was to him—us.
Her thumb brushes over my hand, and the marking there buzzes wildly, filling with bright blue light unlike all the others.
“Do all faes have these markings?” she asks, her gaze tracing the lines.
“If they’re powerful enough. The more markings, the more power,” I say, before dropping my voice into a dirty whisper. “And I’ve got them everywhere, Red.”
She laughs softly, and they pulse again. Fuck, it felt good to hear and feel that.
“Are you born with them?” She’s still touching me, caressing me. It’s insane how just that tiny brush of her thumb calms me.
“Nah. When we hit puberty, our power—light or dark—reveals. That’s when we get them. Hurts like a motherfucker too.”
She freezes, looking up. “It hurts?”
“Not now, baby.” Ah fuck, wrong headspace to remember I can’t say that.
I brace for the sharp tongue, for her eyes to narrow into slits. But they don’t. Just that steady, patient gaze.
“Don’t stop.” I nod at her thumb. “Please.”
She continues, and the sigh slips out of me, heavy, helpless.
“When we first get our markings, it’s like…
our power is trying to burst out of us. Some faes even die.
” She flinches a little, but tries to hide it by shifting on her stool.
“And some hardly get any markings at all. But to faes, they’re a status symbol.
The more markings, the more power, and more power means more privileges.
” I scoff, shaking my head. “A load of shit if you ask me.”
She arches a brow.
“Just because you’re powerful doesn’t mean you deserve more.” Julien would be so proud of that line, but I can’t think about him right now. “And, sometimes,” I say, quieter, “power means nothing if it isn’t the right kind.”
Her lips part, but she hesitates. When she finally speaks, her voice is quiet, careful. “And what’s the right kind, Sai?”
“Depends on who you ask.” I shrug, bracing myself. “My mother would say only the Light.”
Her jaw tightens, the shadows twitch, and that quiet flare of anger makes my chest ache. Because it’s for me.
“I don’t think I like your mother, Sai.”
“Me neither, baby.” I laugh the words, because dislike will never be strong enough. “And she definitely didn’t like me.”
Her thumb stills on my skin. “What happened?”
I stare at her, because the words are right there, but they’re stuck behind my ribs like thorns.
I could lie, joke, shrug it off. But she doesn’t deserve that. We promised her the truth, she deserves the truth, and the fire in her gaze—that fierce, loyal fire that I don’t deserve—burns straight through my defences.
I breathe out.
If I start this, I’ll have to keep going. I’ll have to tell her everything.
“My mother is a light fae, and a Purist,” I begin, eyes focused on her thumb brushing my hand.
“She pushed for regimes that kept the dark and light segregated. Meaning she did anything and everything she could to keep the dark beneath her, putting them in separate factions with separate rights, always ensuring any rulers were of the light. Always.”
I drag in another breath. “So when I revealed as dark at thirteen, the only one in our family with barely any light...” I try to smile, but it fractures halfway. “She saw it as a sickness, and she decided to fix it the only way she knew how.”
Red leans closer. “What did she do?”
“She hid me.” It comes out flat, like it’s just another fact. Just another scar. “Locked me away… in a cage.”
But the word hits her, making her touch pause… then it resumes.
“One day I was there, in the Light Realm, laughing with my friends, training with my siblings. The next, I was just… gone.”
“But someone must have known?” she murmurs. “You couldn’t have just vanished. Someone must have tried to find you?”
I shrug, the motion casual, empty. “The guards knew. She knew. Maybe some Purists in her party did too. Doesn’t matter. No one ever came.”
I can’t look at Red, so I stare at her thumb still brushing my hand.
“My memories from that time are fucked, Ezekial said trauma does that to your mind, but I remember…” I shake my head. “I remember her sitting beside my cage and telling me that others had started showing signs of darkness—of the sickness. My friends and… my brothers.”
“…you infected them. So they had to go. Every single one of them…”
I bite my tongue, use the pain to push through. “They were kids. Fucking children.”
“We purged them of the Dark, Sai. It was wonderful. We made them clean again, worthy. And they begged the Goddess of Light for forgiveness, every last one of them, even when their skin began to melt…”
“She burned them,” I say. “Burned them all alive.”
Jasmine stills.
“And I could… I could smell them. I can still smell it. Their burnt flesh clinging to her robes, her hair, her skin.” My fists clench as I remember this part. “And then she poured what remained of them into my cage, a pile of ash no bigger than my hand. And she left me there.”
“I won’t be visiting you anymore… No, no tears, you brought this upon yourself…. No, I’m not your mummy, not anymore... You must suffer… Pray to the Goddess of Light, pray for her forgiveness…”
“She left me alone, in the dark, inside a cage with the ashes of my friends and brothers.”
I stare into the distance. “And my cage was so small, I couldn’t stand up, couldn’t do anything but curl up and pray to a goddess that never came.”
I close my eyes. “I begged. I begged and cried and pleaded for someone, anyone, to save me. But no one came. No one ever came.”
I feel the slight tremor of her touch, but I can’t open my eyes. Not yet.
“Time blurred, the cage got smaller, my hair grew, my markings multiplied. And eventually, I just… gave up.” I swallow.
“I… I tried to die. Refused the scraps of food and water funnelled through pipes, let myself fade, fall into the dark. But every time I slipped under…” My chest tightens.
“She hired a necromancer, and they dragged me back. Again. Again. Again… I can’t remember how many times. ”
But I remember the pain. The burning. The screaming.
Every single time.
“And after a while, I forgot things. My name… Words…. Who I was… But I kept that pile of ash.” I nod, almost to myself. “I always kept it dry and safe, even when I forgot what it was. Who it was.”
It was all I had left of them.