3. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Zeph
S he's here.
How did that happen?
Viola Mistflow is here; she's a God, and I'm her high priest.
I'm her high priest.
Is that what these feelings have been the whole time? This inexplicable need to protect her, to be with her?
My fist slams on the door of Loris and Taegan's home, rattling it in its hinges. "Taegan," I call through the wood. "Open up, man."
The door is ripped open beneath my fist, and Taegan stands before me. Somehow, it's like he's lost weight in just two days since Loris' death, his cheeks hollow and sunken. His skin is sallow, his eyes swollen and red.
I'm a shitty friend. I have been so wrapped up in my own grief that I haven't been here for him.
"Please, Zeph, I can't do this," he says softly. His voice is shattered, and its pieces litter the air around us with grief.
"Taegan, please," I say, stepping forward. He moves back, no fight within him, and I step into his home. He's wearing a pair of black shorts that must have belonged to Loris because they squeeze his waist tighter than what must be comfortable. The home is more of a mess than normal, but I notice no dishes dirtying the surfaces. "Have you been eating?"
The Helios just grunts at me and returns to the bed, wrapping himself up in a blanket and curling up on his side. I cross the room to sit beside him and rest my hand on his shoulder, unsure how to comfort him in this deep moment of grief.
"I miss him too," I whisper, looking anywhere but at Taegan. "I know it's not the same as it is for you, but fuck, he was my best friend, you know?" Taegan doesn't speak, and the only movement from him is the ragged rise and fall of his chest. "I don't know why he did this, Tae. I really don't. I wish it hadn't been like this."
"Me too." His voice is barely audible, but his hand reaches up to clasp mine with surprising strength. "Did he not love me, Zeph? How could he choose to leave me?"
That question alone threatens to break wide up the dam I built on my grief.
"Loris had big feelings, big ideas, his entire life," I say, shifting to face Taegan. "He never looked at anything in the micro, you know? It was all big picture." I scratch my chin, blinking rapidly to hide tears. "What I mean is, he loved you enough to know that you could continue his plans. That you could be the solution to the problem we're dealing with. So he determined it was more important for him to do something big since he had you to back him up."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"To us," I say with a dry laugh. "You and I love with our whole beings. I saw it in you every day. For us, there is nothing more important than the love we share with someone. But someone like Loris?" I pull a knee to my chest. "Fuck, I don't know Taegan. I'm trying to come up with a rationalization. With any reason why he could've left you like this. And man, none of it makes sense to me." I choke out a sob, my body refusing to contain my grief anymore. It spills from me like a plague.
"There was so much blood, Zeph."
I still see the deep, dark red snake that soaked my shoes when I close my eyes. The memory of blood speckled on his lips and chin is seared behind my eyes, the words he spoke tattooed on my soul.
"Taegan, Viola Mistflow is here in the city," I say with no preamble, Loris' belief in the gruff woman echoing in my ears.
He sits up, the blanket falling from his bare chest. "She came?"
"Himureal has her locked up in the prison. We've got to get her out." I haul myself off the bed to fetch Taegan a glass of water. He takes a sip from the glass and looks at me expectantly. I ruffle my hair and look at the ground. "Loris was right, Taegan. She's a God."
"Of course he was right," Taegan says with a sad smile. "Gods, he'd be insufferable."
"There's more," I say, looking anywhere but at the Helios. "I uh… I'm her high priest."
He coughs on the water he is sipping on. "I'm sorry, repeat that?"
"I'm her high priest." Fuck, it still doesn 't feel real. I meet his red-rimmed, curious eyes. "The obsession, the love, the devotion? It was my draw as her high priest. It wasn't real love." I choke on the words.
It felt like real love.
Right?
I've never been in love before, so how would I know?
Is that what that was?
That pain?
That loss of her so acute, that feeling for her so great that it caused physical pain?
Or was it the Godly tether between us, strained from the way she felt towards me, how close she was to rejecting me?
I've never felt pain like I did when she rejected me. It felt like my entire being was splintered. But I've felt smaller versions of that since she left Ytopie, haven't I? That searing pain in my chest, the ache that only lessened when I started to work with Loris and Taegan on a plan to gain supporters for Viola.
I don't know how I didn't see it. I've read so much about high priests, their draws, and how they act when rejected. When I saw Viola with Mace, the idea of being rejected for him sent me spiraling. It's no excuse for what I did, but is it possible that maybe I can be forgiven?
"How does this change Loris' plan?" Taegan asks, jarring me from my spiraling thoughts.
"I'm not sure," I answer honestly. "If anything, it makes getting her followers and devotion even more important. As her high priest, I can act as a conduit for that devotion and help focus it for more strength."
"What does that mean for Himureal?"
"As far as I know, Himureal does not have a true high priest out there. The devotion of his followers can still strengthen him, but it's not as strong without a high priest to gather and transfer it to him. That puts Viola at an advantage because she has me. But…" I trail off, looking around the room.
"But?" Taegan prompts.
"But she doesn't want me, Tae. She rejected me just because she could. She reinstated the draw but told me she wants nothing to do with me."
Taegan flops backward on the bed, hitting his head on the wall behind him and wincing. "Let me talk to her," he whispers. "Let me tell her about Loris."
"How would that help?"
"She knows Loris, right? She knows he's thought she's a God from day one?" I nod my agreement. "And she also knows what kind of God Himureal is, especially now that she's locked up. If she hears what Loris believed, what he sacrificed for her, maybe she'll come around?"
"I don't know how I would get you in there," I tell him honestly. "I'm surprised Himureal is even letting me see her. He's convinced that since I didn't freak out about him promising Viola to Kon and killing Loris, that I am firmly devoted to him. That has to be the only reason."
"If we can' t get me in, can we get her out?"
"Go away, Zeph," Viola calls from her cell.
I've barely turned the corner and there is no way she sees me. "How'd you know it was me?"
She rolls over to look at the bars just as I come into sight. She taps her chest, the same place I felt so much pain recently. "I feel you, Zeph. We're connected now."
My stomach flips at the words. Isn't this what I wanted? I wanted to know that I would have Viola in my life, that we could be together.
I thought that was going to be in a romantic way, but instead, I was fated to be the one who builds her up and supports her through everything.
I push the tray through the slot in the bars for food, careful not to slosh the stew out of the bowl. "Please eat, you need your strength."
"I'm good, Zeph. You can go now."
"I'm not going anywhere," I say, sitting against the wall across from her prison cell. In the low light, I take in her form and how strong she looks, even if she is covered in grime. Her white hair, her hands with streaks of dark black running from her fingers up her wrist. "Why do you look so different?"
"Oh, what, am I not beautiful enough for you anymore now that I'm a God?" Her words drip with derision.
"That's not at all what I'm saying," I reply with a shrug. "I'm saying you're not the same woman who left that garrison, and I'm trying to figure out why. We had guessed that you took on Summer magic during your travels. Were we right?"
"Who's we?" She picks up the bowl and sits opposite me on the ground, taking small sips of the broth from the spoon.
"Oh, uh," I scrub my face with my hands and cast my eyes up at the ceiling. "Loris, Taegan, and I. Do you remember Loris?"
"Tall, odd looking bird man? Thinks I'm a God?"
I chuckle, shaking my head. "Bird man?"
"He looks like he has brittle, hollow bones."
"That's the one," I say sadly. "Taegan, his partner, is a Helios, and we both noticed our magic seemed stronger one night. Loris theorized that you absorbed Solarius' magic."
"Smart man. I also got Avidor's. Only missing Amryn's now." She drags the stale bread through the broth and takes a large, ungraceful bite, chewing with her mouth partially open. It's endearing, in a way. She sits before me, more God than human, and yet she's probably the least graceful person I've ever met. "That's why I look different, by the way. White hair from Himureal, rotted hands," she holds up her hands, the veins of them black with decay, leading down to solid black fingertips and nailbeds, "from Avidor. I've got a brand of sorts on my chest from Solarius."
"How'd your hair turn white? You've had that magic for a bit."
A dark shadow flashes over her face, and her eyes drop to the ground. "We're not talking about that," she grinds out.
I back off, unwilling to shake the tenuous foundation our conversation has. "How did the others take your transformation?"
"Wanting to know how your brother is, Zeph?" I flush, glad that my beard covers a portion of my cheeks. She catches sight of it and smiles softly. "Despite how you left things, it's okay to ask. He's well," she says. I notice a glimmer in her eyes, a softness that normally isn't there. Her throat is splotchy with a ruddy color.
Is Viola Mistflow, an actual God … flustered? Is she blushing?
"Is he just well, Viola?" I say with a hint of amusement bleeding into my voice.
She levels me with a glare that could take down the strongest of men, and I burst out laughing. "You're together, aren't you?"
"Feels weird to discuss this with you," she says through a full mouth, her hand not holding a chunk of bread rubbing the back of her neck.
I search myself for residual jealousy, for anger at their closeness, and I don't find anything. It's strange. As recently as two or three days ago I felt like Viola was my true love, was my reason for being. I was willing to do or say anything to have her. But now that I know what the real connection between the two of us is those feelings have morphed into respect and admiration of my God.
"I think I'm okay with it. If you're comfortable, that is," I tell her honestly.
"We were good until I left. I'm not sure if we will be once I get back to him. He knew something like this was going to happen, and I thought I knew better." She pulls her legs up and rests her arms on her knees. "Fuck, he's going to be furious at me."
"Why did you come?"
"I needed to know why Himureal was banished in the first place. The journals of the high priests didn't add up, and I knew something was missing. I felt like we couldn't bring the other Gods back without knowing for sure."
I relax my legs and cross my arms over my chest loosely. "And what did you find out?"
"According to his own words and some of the information from the two journals we have, Himureal appears to have been the wronged party when he was banished. But that time in isolation must have messed with his head." She closes her eyes and leans her head back against the cot she's been sleeping on. "And the worst part is that what I learned doesn't help me decide how to move forward. I broke his heart for nothing." She says the last words like a curse under her breath.
"You broke who's heart?"
"Mace's. Or, probably. I'm sure he'll be devastated that right after he tells me he loves me I run off and don't come back."
"Do you love him?" I ask quietly. I'm not necessarily afraid of the answer, but parts of me are still holding onto hope that she could love me, too. Hearing that he loves her doesn't cause the same hurt that her loving him will.
Viola isn't one to give love away freely.
"In the only way I can, yeah," she whispers, looking directly at me. "Who the fuck knows if it's the way he loves me or the way I'm supposed to love someone. But whatever it is, I'm calling it love."
That's as much of a declaration as one could hope for from Viola Mistflow, the true God of Krillium.
"Then he'll forgive you. He'll understand why you came." I rub my chest, expecting a pain there, but nothing comes. When I look at Viola I do not see the woman I obsessed over, the woman I wanted in my bed, in my heart.
Instead, I see a God who needs me. A God in dire need of devotion, of belief.
Of saving.
"I'm going to get you out of there," I tell her, standing up. "I'll figure it out, and we'll go find the group."
She nods, mirroring my movements, looking more like her old self for the first time since she arrived here. "Mace said he had the high priest of Winter's journal hidden in his office. We need it." The emotional vulnerability she showed earlier is gone, replaced by determination. "You have to get it before I leave."
"It's my office now. I'll tear it apart." I turn to leave, sliding my hands in my pockets, and freeze when my fingers skirt over a smooth stone. "Viola," I say, pulling it out and pushing my hand between the bars.
She grabs the stone from me and turns it over in her hands. "My talisman… you saved it?"
"It was important to you." I shrug, heading out of the prison with my mission clear.
Get the journal.
Break Viola out of prison.
Serve my God.