Chapter 2 The Red Flags Megastore Hamburger Steak #3
“We know! We don’t need you to tell us that, Hozumi!” I said.
“I wasn’t asking you, Momoko,” he countered.
Why would Nagi do such a thing? I actually couldn’t find a rationale.
Why couldn’t girls like Nagi and me find a guy who would spoil his girlfriend, call her all the time, and never fail to surprise her on her birthday?
A guy who cared about us deeply? “The secret to a woman’s happiness is being loved rather than loving” is the saying, isn’t it?
At least according to my girlfriends and the internet.
I knew. I knew in my head I’d be happier with a man like that.
And yet I was somehow incapable of loving someone who loved me. I always fell for the ones who couldn’t reciprocate. Kyohei was still imprinted on my heart and refused to disappear. Kyohei, who was so terrible at breaking up.
“I guess it’s because…I love the songs he writes.”
Nagi pulled out her phone and opened a music app. A variety of songs showed up on the screen, all by the band Sho played in. Nagi tapped on one of them. Completely different from the song in the video we’d watched earlier, it was slow in tempo and had a somber feel to it.
The sound of the guitar evoked a melancholy mood. The song was a confession of loneliness. Though the lyrics were dark, something about it resonated with me.
When it finished playing, we all let out a big sigh.
“That was amazing,” I said.
“Right?” said Nagi. It was the loudest I had heard her speak all night.
Seeing her beaming face, I suddenly felt that I understood. In Nagi’s eyes, Sho was her oshi, her sacred idol, who deserved her utmost respect. His boyfriend status was secondary to that.
“I came across the band when I first moved to Tokyo. I was having a tough time keeping up with university assignments, and I felt like I didn’t fit in.
I had no friends. Then I happened to walk into a music venue, where Sho was playing this song.
It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t alone in the big city.
I thought, This song is about me. He’s singing about me.
I might not have made it through my university days if not for this song. ”
When I heard that she had lent the guy three million yen, I had thought that we had caught her in a “love is blind” kind of moment. But I was wrong. It wasn’t that simple. It’s not easy to fall out of love with a superhero who had pulled you out of the darkest period of your life.
Respect can outweigh everything. One truly admirable quality and, boom, you’re in love. Just like that, everything you’d looked for in a guy, whether it’s good looks, or not taking you for granted, or having great taste in picking restaurants, goes right out the window.
“What makes Sho’s music special is that he draws from his flaws. As his girlfriend, it’s been rough, but as a fan of his music, I couldn’t reject him. There was a part of me that wanted him to be flawed. I admired him in his struggles and the music that came out of that.”
“I think I know what you mean,” Iori said emphatically, and crossed his arms. “I’m more drawn to songs written by someone who isn’t perfect. They give us the validation that we need, that we’re not the only ones living with pain.”
Hozumi offered, “Is it like ‘The words of an apprentice are wiser than the words of the Buddha’?”
“Sorry, Hozumi, I can’t relate to that in any way,” I replied.
“This was before I joined the temple, when I was working for the trading house. I was going through a difficult time, and I turned to books. I found the words of people who were in the middle of their struggles more meaningful than those of people who had already made it through to the other side of the tunnel.”
I had forgotten that Hozumi used to work in corporate Japan.
“Yes, that’s it.” Nagi spoke with passion, waving her finger back and forth.
“I loved him for the struggles he was going through. He would show up at three o’clock in the morning and wrap his arms around me.
He wouldn’t say what was wrong or anything.
Instead, he would ask me ‘You love me, don’t you?
’ over and over again. He’s that kind of guy. ”
“But he had multiple girlfriends?” asked Hozumi.
“Yes, he was dating a million other girls. But I think that’s what I liked about him. He has a huge hole in his heart that cannot be filled no matter what. I yearned to become a means of filling that hole.”
Yearned to become a means of filling that hole.
That, I could relate to. I knew exactly what she meant.
“Like ‘Others might think that you’re a bad guy. That you’re just a jerk. But I know that deep down, you’re not that guy.’ ”
When I said this, Nagi looked up, as though she was having a moment of realization.
“You want to be able to say ‘I’m not like other girls.’ It gives you a sense of superiority. That’s part of the reason you want to accept his flaws.”
“Momoko…” Nagi said.
“I’m sorry, I’m talking about myself. That’s how I used to be.”
“But I’m the same! I wanted to be the girl who can say ‘You don’t need to be perfect.
’ And that’s why I was okay with being number three.
I acted as though I was the girl who had infinite patience—you don’t need to fix your flaws; you don’t need to grow; you are beautiful as you are.
In a true sense, I’m the only person in the world who feels this way.
I told myself, He just hasn’t realized yet that I’m the only one who really gets him. ”
I felt a stab of pain in my chest, as though someone were trying to tear my heart out.
One day, he’ll grow up and realize that I’m the one. I just have to wait it out. I’ll be okay; I can wait. I’m a woman of infinite patience.
I thought about the times when Kyohei didn’t reply to my messages and how I turned to a fortune teller each time. One of them, who had a good reputation for her ability to see the before-life, told me, “His soul is still young. Be patient, and he’ll catch up with you.”
I pinned all my hopes on those words and carried them with me like a good luck charm.
So what if I wasn’t at the top of his list of priorities?
I was fine with that. I thought I would be, at least one day.
After all, fate had brought us together, and it was just a matter of him not having realized that yet.
I happened to get there before he did, as the fortune teller said, and it was my duty to wait patiently until he caught up to the same level as me.
Maybe I was looking down on him all along, even if I made it seem as though he had the upper hand in the relationship. Or maybe it was the convenient explanation I needed, because I was too afraid of facing the truth, that he would never love me the same way I loved him.
“Perhaps…” Nagi said thoughtfully, bringing her hand to her chin. “Perhaps it wasn’t just him that I lost interest in today. I lost interest in this version of myself, too. I think I got sick of pretending to be the girl with infinite patience.”
Hozumi was listening thoughtfully to all of this and finally said, “You have been patient for sure. You’ve given up a lot for someone else. That’s not an easy thing to do.”
Instead of replying, Nagi smiled gently and took a sip of her coffee.
My ears perked up at the sound of a car splashing past.
“The forecast said it would stay sunny today,” Iori muttered, shifting his gaze to outside the door. Rain seemed to follow me everywhere I went, but it felt as if there had been a lot more rainfall since joining Amayadori. Was Iori a “rainmaker” like me?
“Have you heard from Sho? What did you tell him when you left?” I asked.
“Oh, I told him I was going to the supermarket. He probably thinks I’m just taking my time.”
Nagi glanced at her phone. He hadn’t called or messaged.
“It was Sho who requested hamburger steak. This morning, after he told me about the money he needed, I took the day off from work. I went from bank to bank, withdrawing all my savings. I didn’t have enough, so I sold off the expensive guitar and equipment I’d paid for in the past. I even called my parents to borrow some money from them. ”
“Wow,” was all Iori could say.
Hozumi looked confused. “But you said you liked to save money? You didn’t have enough?”
“Well…I was always squeezing out money to lend to Sho. It’s sort of why I have a budget planner…”
“Ah.”
“Sorry for asking. Please continue.”
Thanks to Hozumi, the atmosphere had grown somber, and it now looked as if we were in the middle of a wake.
I tried to reset the mood.
“Anyway, what happened after that?”
“When I finally had the three million yen, he said to me, ‘After all that running around, I’m drained. Aren’t you? Let’s have something nice to eat. I’d love a hamburger steak.’ ”
I returned to my cooking as I listened to her story unfold. Transferring the fried onions and ground meat into a bowl, I mixed them firmly with my hand so that the mixture would become sticky.
“As I stood in my kitchen, kneading the meat, I suddenly thought, Wait a second, it was me who did all the running around, not him. Why does he look like he’s just accomplished something? It was like I snapped to my senses.”
“I bet you wanted to be like ‘You do the damn cooking!’ ” I said.
“But I kept telling myself that it was my decision to lend him the money, so I couldn’t be resentful.
Suddenly I had an urge. After everything that happened today, I deserved a treat.
I thought, I’m going to have cheese. No holding back today.
Maybe I would feel a little bit better if I had a little bit of something I loved.
Just as I was about to fold the cheese into the patty, he said something—can you guess what he came out with? ”
Nagi balled her small hands as she readied herself to say what had happened next.
“He said, ‘Hey, what do you think you’re doing? Leave the cheese out. I don’t want it to be heavy on my stomach. Make it light, will you?’ I couldn’t believe my ears!”