Chapter 6 It’s MeYour Work Chocolates #5
“I know that feeling, Kikuno. I really do.”
“Momo-chan—wait, you’re not crying again, are you?” Iori said, then took a moment. “Actually, I don’t blame you.”
Kikuno’s words resonated with me so deeply, my heart ached.
A romantic view from Tokyo Tower. A surprise present.
Holding hands. Being asked to be his girlfriend on the third date.
Cooking foolproof meals like hamburger steak and nikujaga to avoid disappointing him.
A wedding in Omotesando. An engagement ring from Cartier, or Tiffany’s at least. That’s what we women have been taught to want!
We desire such things that “everyone else” wants, and yet as soon as someone falls in love with this version of us—a version that makes us an imitation of everyone else—we feel a sense of loneliness.
As I sat weeping, Kikuno stroked my head consolingly. “There’s something I want to tell you, something that feels in contrast to everything else I have told you.” she said. “That night, I had secretly brought chocolates with me.”
“Huh?”
“I had turned him down so many times, I wanted to make it up to him. I’d prepared homemade chocolates for him. I really love chocolate, you know? I used to make them for myself every year on Valentine’s. It’s a nama chocolate that I have a special recipe for, and I wanted him to try some.”
“Hold on a second.”
In other words…
“You mean it wasn’t one of the recipes from your cooking class?”
Kikuno gave a single nod.
“S-so…”
The day she finally brought her own cooking to him was the day they broke up? How can that be?
“That’s what you meant earlier when you said that you didn’t get to cook him your own recipe.” Burying his shaved head in his hands, Hozumi slumped over the table.
“What did you do with the chocolates? Did you eat them yourself?” Iori asked.
“I put them in the trash at the breakup shrine.”
“The breakup shrine?”
“There’s a shrine near my workplace. It’s famous for celebrating and honoring the breaking off of bad relationships. I put them in the trash can there, praying that we’d both find better relationships in the future.”
“That is too sad, Kikuno!” I said.
Orlando has no idea that Kikuno planned on giving him homemade chocolates that night! And perhaps he still thinks that Kikuno immediately chose work over him when he confronted her with the question, that she didn’t waver at all.
Where did it go wrong?
If only Orlando had waited a little longer. If only Kikuno had tried to meet him halfway just one day—no, just one hour earlier. Then maybe…
“Kikuno, you’re off work tomorrow, right?” I asked impulsively.
“Technically speaking, I am.”
“Let’s make it, then. Let’s eat it together.”
“Make what?”
“The chocolates, of course! We can stay up making them and have a little party while they’re cooling down. That can be the funeral recipe for your breakup!”
Kikuno widened her eyes in surprise. “W-wait a second. I couldn’t ask you to do that for me.”
She seemed to be taken aback by my unexpected suggestion, but my gut told me I needed to do this.
Kikuno must have been unable to let go of the fact that she couldn’t give him those chocolates six years ago. Like a small fish bone caught at the back of her throat, the fact that she couldn’t show him what she thought was “right” was still trapped inside of her.
So…
“Let us try your chocolates. We’ll be sure to tell you what we think of them.”
It’s the only way we can bring this love to an end.
“Right…okay. Let’s get this task checked off then, shall we?” Kikuno rolled up her sleeves, a grin rising to her lips.
—
When did it stop raining?
Under the first light of dawn, the business district of Minato was deserted apart from a few exceptions: a runner with impressive calves and his miniature pinscher; an izakaya worker cleaning up the remnants of Friday night; a hostess hugging her patron before getting into a taxi.
And…a handsome man with visible bags under his eyes, staggering his way down the street.
“Why do you look so drained? It was only an all-nighter,” I said to Iori jokingly.
“Maybe you think it was only an all-nighter because you spent it sampling chocolates,” Iori said before making a gagging sound.
“Hey, are you all right?” Hozumi put his arm around a pale and hungover Iori to assist him.
I supposed it was understandable that Iori was in such a state. Kikuno was quite something.
The chocolates were surprisingly quick to make, and we commenced our party in high spirits.
But then Iori pushed his luck a little too far when he challenged Kikuno to a drinking contest. Despite having already drunk four glasses of brandy straight up, Kikuno maintained an air of nonchalance as she emptied drink after drink until Iori finally reached his limit and raised the white flag.
“There it is. That’s the shrine.”
Just like before, Kikuno took long strides as she walked along the street. Thrusting my hands inside the pockets of my trench coat, I trotted after her to find a small torii gate to a Shinto shrine, standing discreetly in a corner of the business district.
I say shrine, but it was a modest space that looked more like a tiny hut with a little box for offerings. There was a plastic trash can beside the entrance and next to the shrine was a park.
“Ah. This takes me back,” Kikuno commented.
We decided to sample the chocolates on the bench inside the park. As the lid of the container opened, a bittersweet scent wafted through the air. I bit into a piece, letting the mellow sweetness of the chocolate spread into my mouth.
I heaved a sigh of delight.
“Hey,” Kikuno said after swallowing her first piece of chocolate, “it’s pretty good, isn’t it?”
“It’s absolutely delicious,” I replied.
“You could sell these,” Hozumi added.
“I am a genius, after all,” Kikuno said, popping another piece into her mouth.
Kikuno pressed her eyes shut, savoring the sweetness.
She surely has a soft spot for chocolates, I thought to myself.
“Thank you, guys. I can finally have these after six years.”
I was relieved. Kikuno had reclaimed her recipe.
“Hey, look.” I suddenly noticed light spilling through from between the buildings. “The morning sun.”
I glanced at my phone. It was 5:46, already time for the sunrise.
Kikuno and I moved to a spot where we could get a better view of the sunrise. We stood watching as the morning crept over the sky above the business district.
“Hey, Momo-chan.” Kikuno squinted a little, the morning light on her face. “Do you ever want to get married?”
“Yeah, I do. Although…”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a part of me that hates myself for feeling that way.”
Kikuno chuckled.
“What?”
“It’s just that I know what you mean.”
How I wished I could say with certainty that I could be happy without ever getting married, that I had the confidence to say that I would be fine.
“I don’t regret the choice I made that day,” Kikuno said, her eyes fixed on the sun.
“Work will always be important to me. Even if I were to go back to Valentine’s Day six years ago, my answer would still be the same.
Although sometimes—just sometimes—I find myself thinking that…
” Kikuno turned to me and smiled bitterly.
“I wish I was better at having a proper romance.”
“Hey, should we go pay our respects to the shrine?” Iori called out. He had recovered a little after resting on the bench.
“Shall we?” Kikuno fixed her loosened hair into a tight ponytail and began walking toward Iori and Hozumi.
I felt a prickle at the back of my chest.
A proper romance…Perhaps she’s right.
Even still…
“But, Kikuno…” The words were flying out of my mouth before I’d collected my thoughts. “You’re somebody who can make yourself happy. You work hard, you always try your best, and you certainly know how to treat yourself to meat. You have the ability to trust what you believe is right.”
Kikuno turned around. She kept her hands inside her pockets as she stared at me.
“I love my work, too,” I continued. “I love myself working where I am. I’m proud of myself for being able to feel this way, for having worked hard to be able to feel this way. I wouldn’t want to give up this version of me.”
When I saw Kikuno last night and the way she devoured all that meat bought with her hard-earned money, the way everything made her think of work, the way her gel-manicured nails were all grown out, presumably because she’d been so absorbed by her work…
“Ultimately, you were able to accept your work-loving self. That makes you the most admirable, incredible woman in the world.”
It made me admire her. That’s how I’d like to live my life.
“I don’t want you to forget that.”
I dearly hoped that my words reached her heart.
The sky, just a moment ago a dim gray, had turned bright blue. The sun had transformed the cityscape entirely.
“Don’t worry, I know,” Kikuno said, a smile spreading across her face. “Thank you, Momo-chan.”
Choosing your own path instead of following everyone else is a scary thing. The more we grow older, the more we feel like time is running out. That will probably never change.
Even still, I have the power to make myself happy.
At least that’s what I want to believe.
After the four of us had paid a visit to the shrine and finished the chocolates, Kikuno made a startling statement.
“I feel so much better. Since I’m in the neighborhood, I might as well go to the office now.”
“But you just pulled an all-nighter,” I said.
“Oh, this is nothing. What do you think I eat all that meat for?”
Thanking us in a bright voice, she strutted off. The clack of her heels rang out as she walked briskly toward a glass skyscraper standing easily over thirty stories tall.
After all of that eating and drinking and chocolate-making? We even held a “funeral” at a shrine!
She’s really something, I thought, and giggled to myself.
My eyes followed Kikuno as her figure receded into the distance. She took big confident strides. Producing her lanyard and employee ID from her bag, she exuded an air of pride as she headed off to work.
How amazing is she? She really does make you want to emulate her.
From the bottom of my heart, I thought that she was an incredible woman. So amazing, she could move you to tears.
“Please come back and have the Meat Feast again!” I shouted in her direction.
“I will if you don’t give me any quasi-meat!”
Kikuno waved her right arm at us before she disappeared into the glass cuboid building.
The glare from the buildings filled my view with rays of transparent blue.
It was a crisp morning, and I had a feeling that I was going to have a fabulous day at work.