Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
Ash
“No one comes from someone just looking at them,” I said as Sarah, Yo and I sat on my balcony enjoying the sunset while Petal rubbed herself against our legs. “No one’s eyes have orgasmic fucking laser beams embedded in them. That’s just ridiculous.”
“Not according to Google.” Sarah’s smile could only be described as a wicked smirk. The kind of smirk she only ever gives me when she’s up to no good. Like when she smuggled a bottle of alcohol into Tom Swanson’s party, or she copied Jenna Higgins’s answers in a test, or when she talked a bouncer into letting us into the club without ID s. Despite lawyerly appearances, Sarah has a very naughty streak.
“Fine, I’ll bite. Tell me,” I said.
“I’m dying to hear this too,” Yo said, stretching her legs out into the last of the sunbeams.
“According to several Reddit users on a very long and fascinating thread, they too have orgasmed without any physical touch.”
“Since when did Reddit users’ posts become gospel?”
“Since I wanted them to,” Sarah said defiantly.
“Hey, I’m starved. I’m ordering Uber Eats. Who wants what?” Russ stuck his head round the corner and we all immediately threw orders at him. Pizza for Sarah, vegan burger for Yo and a three-cheese pasta for me, obviously. His head disappeared round the corner once more.
“Let’s get back to the sex,” Yo said quickly.
“Yes!” I agreed. “And no one faints after it either, for the record,” I countered.
“Not according to Google, again.” Sarah’s smile had grown once more.
“You mean Reddit?” I said sarcastically.
“Nope, this time I mean a scientific journal I read that said it was very possible, and also quite common, to faint after orgasm due to hyperventilating.”
“That actually makes sense,” Yo said.
“So you honestly believe there is a guy out there called Maximillian Adam who lives in an off-grid mansion in Noordhoek, who keeps llamas, and who is basically God’s sexual gift to women on earth, who can conjure up a fainting, screaming orgasm just by breathing on them?”
“I’m more inclined to believe that than him actually owning llamas,” Sarah replied.
I shook my head. “What’s with you and these llamas?”
“ Alleged llamas,” she quickly added. “But given all this information—or ‘discovery’, to use a more legal term—I think if anyone can break your sex curse and get you out of the rut, it’s Maximillian Adam.”
“Not according to the psychic,” Yo jumped in quickly. She was a big believer in the curse as an actual supernatural thing. And sometimes we spoke about “The Curse” like that, as if it was some powerful, supernatural thing that had been invisibly placed on me against my will. But most of us also didn’t quite believe that either. When it really came down to it, we didn’t really believe in the supernatural world of sex hexes . . . did we?
“Do we really all believe it’s a curse? An actual magic-wand kind of curse?” I asked.
“I do!” Yo said quickly.
“I mean, normally, I don’t believe in things like that, but . . .” Sarah started, and then stopped. “It is really weird, though. And you can’t be that unlucky, can you? And the psychic did say—”
“That psychic was terrible, though,” I said.
“But she got it all right,” Yo replied. “Okay, so not with everyone, but with you it was spot on. Face it, you were cursed. And you’ve been trying to break it for the last thirteen years. But instead of a wand a dick was used!”
We all burst out laughing.
“What’s got you all cackling like witches?” Russ stuck his head around the door again.
“Magical cocks!” Yo said quickly, and Russ looked somewhat perplexed. Or was that repulsed?
“I think I’ll stay out of this one.” His head disappeared round the corner again.
I stopped laughing and thought about it. If I hadn’t been cursed, then what was the cause of my disastrous sex life? The answer to that question was of course that the problem actually lay with me . . . didn’t it ?
“Well, it’s not like going back to the source is ever going to happen,” I said. “No one has seen or heard from Logan in forever.” I hated saying his name out loud. It always had a physical effect on me. Even now.
“Nope. Casper the ghost,” Sarah agreed.
“Last bloody thing I ever heard was that he was on holiday with his uncle in Scotland and then disappeared into Europe, never to be seen or heard from again,” I said. There was still some anger and bitterness in my tone, despite the time that had lapsed.
“No, I think Maximillian’s your guy,” Yo reiterated.
“And how do you propose I have sex with him? Drop him an email and say, ‘Hi, how are you? Want to have sex with me?’ ”
“Personally, I’d take a more subtle approach, but I guess your way would probably work too,” Yo replied, sounding amused.
My phone lit up on the table next to me and Petal looked at it in horror.
“Oh my God, look at that! She’s doing that thing where she puffs up. I have to film it.” I grabbed my phone quickly, in hopes of catching this cuteness, but as soon as I saw the notification across my screen, I forgot all about my cute cat.
“It’s him!” I held my screen up for Sarah and Yo to see.
They both leaned in excitedly. “Well, read it. Read it,” they chorused together.
“Weird, it’s on WhatsApp and we only ever email.” I unlocked my screen with a swipe.
“Ooooh, WhatsApp, so much more personal. Quick, start flirting with him, even if he does own llamas,” Sarah said.
“Your obsession with the llamas is starting to worry me.”
Max: Hi Leigh, this is me picking it up later.
Leigh: How did you get my number? Are YOU stalking ME now?
Max: Well, it is in your email signature . . .
Leigh: Fair enough. So what are we picking up?
Max: There are a few work things we need to iron out first, and then we can circle back to our mutual feelings of flattery.
I felt my cheeks go warm and, God help me, a soft giggle escaped my lips. Yo and Sarah both noticed this and leaned in. I angled myself away from their prying eyes a little.
Leigh: Well, what can I help you with?
Max: I chatted to the locations—all of them can do the recce this week. So leaving this Wednesday and coming back next Wednesday? Does that work for you?
Leigh: That should be good, I just need to find a cat sitter.
Max: You have a cat?
Leigh: Her name is Petal.
Max: Are you one of those cat owners that bombards their friends with cat videos all day?
I laughed out loud. It was weird how many times he’d made me laugh and we didn’t even know each other.
Leigh: Guilty as charged.
“What’s he saying? What’s so funny?” Sarah asked.
“We’re just discussing dates for the location scouting.”
“Now segue into discussing the potential of having sex with him,” Yo said.
I lowered my phone and gave Yo a look. “And how should I go about that?”
“Dear Max, the dates for the locations are great, but you know what would also be great? Sex.”
We all laughed but stopped when another message came through.
Max: The bar had to redo their plumbing this week, something about someone blocking the toilet (I don’t want to even imagine) so we can only see that next week. That okay?
Leigh: We?
Max: Oh, yes, I hope you don’t mind if I tag along. I want to see these locations myself and meet with the owners and managers. They’ve all expressed an interest in signing with my agency. I’m still building up my books here, and this would be a good opportunity to sign on some more clients.
“Oh my God, he wants to come with me,” I screeched at my friends, and Petal puffed up again.
“That’s it. You are so having sex with him,” Yo said. “Cursebreaker loading.”
“But I don’t even know what he looks like,” I argued back.
“Well, apparently he’s hot,” Sarah said, scratching Petal who depuffed at the head scratch.
“Hot is subjective,” I said quickly.
“If a gorgeous model with what I might just add are incredibly perky breasts thinks he’s hot, then he’s also probably hot by our, less perky-boobed, standard,” Sarah said.
“Hey, speak for yourself. My boobs are still very perky!” Yo said, pushing out her chest.
“Mine too.” I looked down at my chest. “Well, they’re too small for gravity to have any effect on them.”
Sarah sighed. “When I bend down to pick stuff up, they hit my chin.”
“Seriously.”
I burst out laughing and then patted Sarah’s shoulder in mock sympathy as Yo leaned forward to inspect her chest. We were a boundary-less group for sure.
My phone beeped again.
Max: Sorry, are you uncomfortable with that?
I lowered my phone and looked at my friends.
“He wants to know if I’m uncomfortable with him coming along?”
“Why would you be? That’s kind of a normal work thing,” Yo said.
“I suppose . . .”
“Sebastian often tags along on recces and surveys, not to mention other crew members and agency people, who you haven’t met. Unless . . . you’re uncomfortable for another reason.” She winked at me.
“It’s not like we’ll be sharing a room. And I’ll be working the entire time, and he will too, so we probably won’t even see each other.”
Yo shrugged, but also gave me another mischievous smile. I looked over at Sarah, wanting her take on the situation, but she also reciprocated with a grin.
“You guys are loving this way too much. It makes me wonder about your sex lives.”
“Russ and I have amazing sex, I’ll have you know,” Sarah replied quickly.
“I can second that.” Russ popped his head round the corner again. Clearly he had been listening.
We all turned and looked at Yo, who gave a very conspiratorial look. “A lady never kisses and tells.”
“But this is about your sex life.” Sarah pointed at me. “Not ours.”
I looked at them for a while, weighing it up in my head, and then quickly put my fingers down to my screen.
Leigh: Yeah. Totally fine with that. I’ll be really busy though, but it will be nice meeting you in person.
Max: Yes, it will be really, really great meeting you in person too.
Two “really”s. I felt my cheeks go red and warm again. This man had the power to alter my body temperature through the phone. Oh my God , maybe he did make women come just by looking at them.
Max: And I promise I won’t get in your way . . . unless you want me to?
My cheeks instantly flushed as I imagined all the ways that he could get in my way. He could get in my way a lot, but would I let him?
Max: Even though we’ll both be busy, perhaps we can steal a moment to eat some cheese together?
My cheeks flushed even more.
“You’re blushing.” Sarah pointed at me.
“I think he’s trying to use cheese to flirt with me.”
“Oh my God, he’s your perfect man,” Sarah sighed.
“He’s seducing me with cheese,” I repeated.
“Who’s seducing you with cheese?” Russ’s head was back round the corner again.
“Llama-man,” Sarah said.
“No. Absolutely not. You cannot make llama-man his moniker. It makes me think of something half man, half llama,” Yo said firmly.
“And then that raises the question of which half is llama and which half is man,” Russ added.
“Exactly.” Yo visibly cringed and so did I.
I looked back down at my phone and typed a message back.
Leigh: What cheese do you have in mind?
Max: What cheese do you suggest for a professional semi-work-related date with a cheese connoisseur?
“He just used the word ‘date.’ ” I looked up at everyone quickly.
“Ask him what kind of date?” Yo clicked her fingers at my phone. But I didn’t have time to type back, as he sent a response through immediately.
Max: Unless you don’t like to mix business and pleasure?
I almost died. “And now he’s using the word ‘pleasure.’ ”
“Okay, perfect, now segue into the sex part. Type, ‘What kind of pleasure did you have in mind?’ ” Sarah said.
“Babe! So forward,” Russ scolded playfully.
“I agree. I’m not typing that. That’s too much. That’s crossing the line.” I looked at Sarah and she raised her brows at me. I raised mine back and we held each other’s gazes. We didn’t need to talk to each other—we had known each other for so long, and been through so much, that our conversations often happened telepathically. Then I moved my eyes over to Yo who gave me a smile that I knew exactly how to interpret.
“You two are such bad influences,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m supposed to be on a detox.”
“Fuck detoxes,” Sarah said. “They never work anyway; you just land up binge eating everything in sight afterwards.”
“And anyone who says they actually like celery juice is lying,” Yo added.
“Okay, fine! Fine!” I started typing . . . Oh my God I was probably going to regret this.
“I can’t watch this,” Russ declared, and disappeared again.
Leigh: That depends on what kind of pleasure we’re talking about.
“Shit! I regret that,” I said instantly. “I should delete it, quickly—nope, two blue ticks.” I inhaled, holding my breath, knowing full well that I had just officially walked us both over the line.
Line Crossed
Max: I’ve learned over the years that pleasure is very subjective.
“I’m sure he has,” I scoffed out loud.
“Sure he has what?” Sarah asked, and I passed her the phone. She made a dramatic show of fanning her face while Yo leaned in to read as well.
“This guy is good!” Sarah said as another message came through and she passed the phone back to me. I looked down at the screen and must admit I was somewhat disappointed that he was back to being professional again.
Max: So I’ll email you our full itinerary tomorrow.
Leigh: Thanks, that will be great.
Max: I’ll make sure I get that to you first thing in the morning so you have plenty of time to prepare and pack.
Leigh: Looking forward to it, thanks.
Max: Perfect. Have a really good evening. And as always, I loved chatting to you, Leigh.
Leigh: You too, Max.
Oh my God, there was something so seductive and sexy about him typing my name. My name felt as if it held some kind of question and answer all at once.
“What the hell have I gotten myself into?” I asked Sarah and Yo when I’d put my phone down. It was a rhetorical question, though, because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. “I guess I’m going on location with Maximillian Adam who may or may not own alleged llamas, who can apparently bring someone to orgasm just by looking at them, and makes women faint in the pool,” I said, and we all burst out laughing just as my phone pinged again.
Max: Forgot to ask, can I have a copy of your ID to book flights?
Leigh: Sure, will send you one. I have a copy on my phone.
Leigh: Oh, and in case you start wondering whether I really am a stalker/psycho, my real name is Ashley Smith. I had to go with Leigh professionally.
I began searching my phone for my ID , all the while expecting some witty banter about my name to come back. But it never did. I found my ID and sent it.
Leigh: Here we go. And please don’t judge the picture. I had allergies that day. I swear I don’t look like that in real life.
I pressed send and waited for a response. It didn’t come. Even after my message had gotten two blue ticks and a whole five minutes had passed. Perhaps he really was taken aback by my ID photo and had now regretted setting up a cheese date with me. Suddenly, it was very important that he didn’t think I looked like my ID photo in real life.