Chapter 18
BAILEY
No. I try to process what Teddy is telling me, feeling like I might throw up.
I said I would never hurt him. I was sure I would never hurt him.
But as he goes into detail about the animals and the fire, I back away from him.
Further and further, watching his face shift from pain to anger to frustration as he recounts the horror.
By the time he’s finished, his chest is heaving.
That’s what I blacked out?
I grip the kitchen counter to steady myself. I thought that had all stopped. Nothing bad has happened for twelve years! I’m sure … I—I’ve been good.
My world shatters. Everything I thought I knew about the night Teddy left me collapses in on itself until there’s nothing left.
You’re a monster.
Fuck, Shane was right—I need him. My back throbs in anticipation.
I don’t think there’s a punishment great enough to make up for what I’ve done to Teddy.
“It was my fault,” I whisper. Realising that all these years I’ve blamed him for abandoning me, wondering why he would leave me behind without a second thought … it was all my fault.
“What?” Teddy asks.
“I was supposed to be better!” I yell, chest feeling like it’s about to collapse in on itself. He flinches and I break a little more. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to stop my head from spinning. He shouldn’t be here with me. I don’t want to hurt him again. “Get out,” I gasp.
“I’m not going anywhere. We need to talk Bay, I don’t think—”
“Get out!” I yell. My eyes dart to the knife block on the counter.
If he won’t leave, then I’ll make him. I’ll be the monster one more time so he’ll never want to come near me again.
The disease inside of me is never going to go away.
I pull a knife from the block and turn to face Teddy. He shifts away from me slightly.
“What are you doing?” he asks with a slight waver in his voice. “Put the knife down.”
I’m tired. Tired of trying to stay good only to find out I fuck it up every single time.
It’s completely out of my control—like sharing one body with a stranger—but it never should have got to the point where Teddy got hurt.
I made the choice to find him in the woods the first day we met.
I made the choice to become friends with him, to kiss him back …
to fall in love with him and refuse to let him go.
All. My. Fault.
“Leave, Teddy.” I stalk towards him, knife in hand.
He backs up until he hits the front door, reaching behind him to grab the handle, never taking his eyes off me.
Once he opens it, I step back, ready to let him go once and for all.
“I’m sorry … for everything.” My hand tightens on the knife, and I run my fingertip along the sharp edge of the blade until I feel that familiar sting of pain as it pierces my skin.
Teddy freezes in the doorway, staring at me intensely, eyes flicking down to the knife.
My hand shakes, and I feel blood drip from the cut.
I look him in the eye and take a shuddering deep breath, knowing this will be the last time I see him.
As I reach for the door to shut him out, his eyes widen, then he lunges at me, catching me by surprise.
He wrestles the knife out of my hand and throws it clear across the room, then grabs my arms, pinning them to my sides.
Fear lances through me when I realise I can’t move.
“No! No, Teddy, please!” I choke out. “I can’t …” I struggle against his hold, but he doesn’t give an inch. “I need to be punished,” I sob.
“What the hell, Bay!” he shouts over me.
Suddenly it’s Shane who is holding me down, telling me I’ll never be good.
Telling me he knew I’d hurt Teddy. Telling me I need to be punished.
“I’m sorry I was bad!” I yell. Throat so dry, every syllable burns.
Tears blur my vision as I continue to pull against his hold.
We collapse to the floor and my body gives up.
“Fuck, Bay.” The familiar Scottish brogue washes over me, and thoughts of my brother dissipate. I realise it’s not Shane holding me down. I’m sitting on Teddy’s lap with his arms wrapped around my chest, unbendable, like iron.
“Stop,” he orders.
Sobs rack my body so violently it makes my head pound. I try to breathe, but I can only manage quick, sharp breaths that scratch at my throat, until I finally give in to exhaustion, going limp in his arms, letting my head fall back against his shoulder.
Teddy’s hold on me loosens ever so slightly, and I feel his panting breath in my hair as he rests his cheek against the top of my head. “Just stop,” he whispers.