49. Act Forty-Nine
ACT FORTY-NINE
B ehind stage, I wait for my cue.
My heart races, not matching the slow-burning tempo of the music to our act. Nikolai is already in front of the audience. I exhale a few trained breaths, my costume’s white wispy fabric away from my feet. Icicle lights are strung, the background a romantic, cloudy night sky.
And I focus on the melodic sounds of a violin.
Another exhale.
Relax, relax.
My mind traverses a million miles an hour, but I land on Nikolai’s advice, from a long time ago. His deep voice resonates in my mind like a whisper.
Whatever passion you’ve ever encountered in your life, you use it now, Thora.
It’s not hard to search for it, existing right at the surface, unlike before. I peek out, where the audience can’t see me. Nikolai descends from the aerial silk, eyes masked in purple and silver paint, his chest rising and falling in a powerful rhythm.
This is our act.
Our passion.
He looks my way.
Someone taps my shoulder, my cue. I’m ready. Without second-guessing, without falter, I sprint onto stage. I run towards him without slowing.
Nikolai stands tall, beckoning me, and I leap with all my strength. He bends only slightly, my left leg catching above his shoulder as I latch onto him. The gasp from the audience is the last thing I hear, blocking out the rest.
I clutch his hair, and he grips my back, our inhales in sync. Our exhales timed. My heart explodes.
In a billion pieces at the way he stares at me. At how he holds my face, caringly, like the love of his life just ran into his arms. He whispers something in Russian that I know means: I love you.
It builds something in me.
And his desire fuels mine.
Slowly, he kisses me, an ache in my throat, and he grasps me like it pains him to be away. I lean backwards, breathless, and flip onto the cold stage. Smooth, agile. He grasps the hem of my costume, tearing off the extra fabric with my momentum. Leaving me in a thinner, shorter white slip.
My nerves are gone. I think he knows it, a smile in his eyes. Almost like you’re doing well, myshka. I contort my body, languidly flipping onto my feet. He circles me, stands behind me, and I only watch him, looking up.
Over my shoulder.
He lowers his head, lips touching mine again, the silk wrapped around each of his hands. And I spin to face him and hook my arms around his neck, like I’d rather slow dance.
In the air.
The riggers pull the fabric higher, so he’s lifted off the ground, and we stay in the same position, Nikolai’s strength keeping us airborne, afloat. And soon slicing through eighty-feet of nothingness. Of uncharted, untouched space.
I trust this man.
With my life.
My heart. My soul.
We’ve dressed into regular clothes and washed the makeup off our faces, Amour ending about twenty minutes ago. I realize that I don’t mind what people thought. I felt alive. Happy. For one of the first times, I know I belong in this world. It can be mine too.
After I zip my gym bag backstage, Nikolai leans against the vanity, smiling. “You were beautiful.”
I try not to smile too much. My cheeks hurt during the standing ovation for the entire cast. It was a lot to take in. Overwhelming. “Thanks for not dropping me…” That’s what I choose to say? Recover. I clear my throat. “I was worried during that last half.” I think I made it worse.
He wears that no-nonsense, all business look for a long moment. And then he bursts into a charismatic smile. It sends me dizzily backward, into the bottles of hairspray and trays of makeup.
He clasps me around the waist. “I never drop my partner, myshka.”
“That’s…good to know.” My lungs have catapulted out of my body.
When his humor fades, what remains is longing. In deep Russian, he whispers a phrase that I’ve only heard once before. The day of The Masquerade’s pool party.
“What does that mean?” I ask, my pulse beginning to race again as I catch certain words.
“Here is my heart.” His thumb skims my neck. “It is full of love.”
“You said that to me before…” All the way back then. I mean, that alone is reason to start flipping through a Russian dictionary. I’m getting better at the language. I’m trying.
“I did,” he admits. “I also have something else to tell you.”
My face tightens at his serious tone. “If this is about The Red Death, I promised Camila we would be there at midnight. I don’t think I can change that…” I trail off at the look in his eyes. It’s not about our plans tonight.
He says another Russian phrase, his lips curving.
I translate it as: you’re cute .
And then he motions with his head towards the stage. “Follow me.” Before I oil my joints, he clasps my hand and leads me out into the middle.
“Stop right here.” He stands behind me, placing his firm palms on my shoulders.
I stare out at all the rows and rows of empty seats. It’s quiet here, only the mutterings of voices backstage. Katya said it was a full house tonight. Not because of me or the aerial silk act. The two famous faces did it, but it’s nice to know that Amour can sell out.
“What am I looking at?” I ask him.
“Your dream.”
I smile. My dream. I’m living my dream. “You know,” I say softly, staring out at the seats. “I used to wake up and wonder…is this it?” I pause. “Is there more out there? To finally reach the more part of my life…” I laugh into my tears and shake my head. “How do you describe the love of your life?”
“If you could see yourself, you’d realize you just did.”
“I’m not scowling?”
He turns me around and brushes his fingers beneath my eyes. “No. You’re not scowling.”
“That’s…good.”
He laughs and it’s his turn to shake his head, as he stares straight into me. “You once asked me if it was impossible to love two things equally. At the time…it seemed like it to me. I never loved someone as much as I loved this, here, tonight.” He looks up at the ceiling, at the dangling lights, fake snow still fluttering off the rafters, onto us.
“The circus,” I realize. His family.
“But I’ve found the truest form of love,” he tells me. “It’s two loves that can live in harmony.” He looks down at me.
I stare up at him. My heart on an ascent.
“The circus and you,” he whispers, “amour amour.”
Two loves. Two passions. At perfect balance.
I finally feel it too.