Chapter 35
Matteo
“DON’T GO.”
Izzy stopped packing and looked up.
I’d never said those words before. “I’m asking you not to go.”
She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “We already paid for the class.”
I shrugged. “I don’t care. We’ll lose da money if dey won’t give us a refund. I’d rather have my wife home than a couple extra euro.”
“But I want to go, Matteo. Rishikesh is where yoga has its spiritual roots. I’ll never be a true coach if I don’t learn how to meditate, not just lead a flow class.”
“Can’t you teach da stretchy classes without flying to India for six weeks to learn how to breathe?” I said. “You already know how to do dat.”
She frowned. “Is that what you think this is? Something stupid?”
“No.” I hesitated, rubbing the back of my neck. “Every time you leave, I get dis knot in my chest. Like one day you’re not going to come back.”
Her expression softened. “Matteo, I’m always going to come back to you. You’re my home. That doesn’t change because I want to understand myself better.”
I looked into her eyes for a long time before whispering, “Don’t go. Please.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. You want to. There’s a difference between need and want. We need to breathe. We need to eat. You want to go to India.”
She shook her head. “That’s the difference between you and me. You think I won’t shrivel up and die if I don’t follow my heart.”
“I just think maybe you could follow it a little closer to home. I looked it up. There are some retreats here in Tuscany that teach meditation. You stay overnight, like in Rishikesh, and do sunrise breathing and reflection classes and stuff. One is even taught by a guy from India who learned there.”
“Why does it matter if I go to a retreat here or in India? Either way I’ll be gone.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. It just does.”
Her voice softened. “You’re not saying what you want to say, Matteo.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re saying everything but what you mean.”
I looked away. I didn’t want to be an anchor that dragged behind her when she wanted to fly. I didn’t want to be the needy one. The insecure one. What I wanted was for her to need me like I needed her.
“It feels like it’s easy for you to walk away.”
Her face fell, just a little. “I love you. But I can’t stop doing what I need to do because me standing still makes you feel safer.”
***
“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” I asked.
Izzy had been back from India for nearly a week, but something felt…off. Like right now, when she was standing at the window, staring out at nothing.
She turned and walked over to me, setting her hands on my chest. “I’ve just learned to be comfortable in my silence, that’s all. It has nothing to do with you. Stop reading into things that aren’t there.”
I slipped my arms around her and locked my hands behind her back. “I like it better when you’re not silent, like an hour ago, when you were underneath me.”
Her lips curved. “I liked that, too.” Her eyes sparkled as she looked up at me, and for a moment, I felt that old familiar twist in my belly.
I’d missed that. I’d missed her. Izzy had only been back a few days, but it felt like part of her was still there.
She was quieter than usual, more reflective.
I wanted to believe it was only leftover jet lag or some afterglow from the retreat.
But sometimes she felt distant, almost like she’d rather be somewhere else.
I pressed a kiss to her lips. “Let’s have dinner, just da two of us tonight. I’ll cook for us.”
My parents had been very generous since Izzy and I moved into their casetta a few years ago—a tiny stone house on their property that they’d only ever used for storage. But I worked at their winery, and we ate dinner with them most nights, and I didn’t want Izzy to feel overwhelmed.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about,” I continued.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about a little adventure of my own.”
She smiled. “I’m intrigued, Mr. Lucchese.”
“What time are you teaching class today?” I asked.
“Not until one.”
“I have to get out to da field. My dad saw some thrips on the vines, so he wants to set sticky traps to catch as many as possible. Harvest is almost here, and spraying would ruin the grapes.”
When she nodded, I pulled my boots on and headed out. After setting the first few traps, I realized I needed my gloves to keep the sticky goo off my fingers. As I opened the back door, I heard Izzy’s voice. It sounded like she was on the phone.
“Izzy?”
Silence.
I went to the bedroom and found her staring out the window.
She turned with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Oh. You startled me.”
“Who were you just talking to?”
She blinked. “No one.”
My eyes slanted to the bed, where her cell phone was. It hadn’t been there ten minutes ago. I was certain of that because I’d plugged it in before I got in the shower this morning, while she was still sleeping. My wife had a habit of forgetting to charge it.
“You weren’t talking to someone?”
She looked away, brushing hair from her face. “I was chanting. It’s called japa. It’s part of the meditation I learned in India. It helps clear the mind.”
I glanced at the phone again and back to her. “Oh. Okay.”
The rest of the day, I tried to shake off my unease.
But it gnawed at the edges of my thoughts.
Later, after dinner, we sat on the porch side by side.
Izzy leaned into me, barefoot with her legs tucked beneath her, and her hair wild from the humid day.
She looked like the girl I’d fallen in love with.
I cleared my throat. “So I’ve been thinking…”
She tilted her head up at me. “It’s about time you got to the adventure you wanted to talk about. I’ve been waiting since we sat down to eat.”
I smiled. “I want to open my own place, my own vineyard.”
Her smile faltered, but then she seemed to catch it, and the corners of her lips tilted upward again. “Oh. Okay.”
“Why do I feel like you’re disappointed?”
“I’m not.” She shook her head. “I just thought… You said an adventure, that’s all.”
“You don’t think buying my own land and starting my own business is an adventure?”
“No, no…it is.” She smiled again, but it felt forced. “I think that would be great for you.”
“For us…”
“Right, that’s what I said.”
“No, you said for you… That’s different than for us.”
She sat up. “Well, I meant us… Why are you picking at my words?”
“I guess because I want this to be for us. I found land in Montepulciano that has good soil, good sun, and a nice house—a place we could plant roots.”
She was quiet for a few beats and then smiled, this time bigger. “That sounds great.”
“Does it?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it?”
“You sure?”
She tilted her head. “If you are. I mean…owning your own vineyard is a big responsibility. I don’t want you jumping into something unless it’s really what you want.”
“It is. I know it will be a ton of work, but I feel like I can handle it. And it’ll be worth it in da long run.”
“Then it’s settled.” She leaned in and kissed me. “We’re opening a vineyard.”
I cupped the back of her neck and kept her close. “You’re sure?”
“Stop asking me that.” She laughed. “Of course. Let’s do it.”
I brushed my thumb across her cheek. “And maybe…down da road, once we’re settled in our own place, we start a family?”
She hesitated, but only for a second. “Not right away. But someday? Yeah, I think I’d like that.”
My chest swelled. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to hear her say those words. I leaned back, looking up at the stars in the sky, excited for things to come. Planting roots. Growing our future. Together.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the quiet moment.
But when I opened them again, Izzy was already looking away, her smile fixed just a little too perfectly.