11. Logan
ELEVEN
LOGAN
I’m an idiot.
Savannah walks away from me in those tiny little spandex shorts, and I replay our conversation in my head.
Why did I admit that I think she’s beautiful?
Maybe it was the vulnerability in her eyes.
Maybe I just wanted her to know. I don’t know.
All I know now is that I’m her coach, and I just told her how beautiful she is. It’s beyond inappropriate.
And yet…
I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s almost as if I enjoy torturing myself.
“Max, I swear to god if you fall and break your leg, I’m going to kill you!
” Savannah’s hands are on her hips as she yells up to him.
He’s climbing all over the rocks around us.
They aren’t particularly high, and if he did fall, he’d probably just have a few scrapes.
But Savannah is super stressed, and the thought of her partner getting injured is not helping.
“I’m fine!” he calls down to her.
“Max!”
“Ok, ok, I’m coming down.” Instead of climbing back down, which I’m sure Savannah would prefer, he jumps, and she gasps.
He laughs as he lands, and as soon as he’s on the ground, Savannah punches him in the shoulder.
“You’re an idiot.”
“An idiot you love.”
I truly cannot figure out what is going on between these two.
They don’t really act like they’re in a relationship, but I don’t doubt that they’re sleeping together or at least have in the past. I hate that he knows her body intimately.
I hate it because I’m jealous. And I fucking hate being jealous.
It’s embarrassing that I’m relieved when she doesn’t admit that she loves him. She simply shakes her head and walks off while Max heads toward me.
“You guys good?” He nods in the direction Savannah walked away. “Looked like you were having an intense conversation. I was trying to give you some space.”
“Yeah, she’s just stressed. We were just talking through it.”
His brows furrow. “She came to you about that? She hasn’t mentioned anything to me.”
I shrug, playing it off like it’s no big deal when really, I like that she told me something she hasn’t told him. “I kinda pulled it out of her.”
“Gotcha. Well, that’s a good sign that she’s talking to you now. Maybe she’s finally lifting that grudge.”
“Yeah…” I pause, and before I can think better of it, I say, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, man. What’s up?”
“Are you two...?”
He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck before I can even finish my question. “Together?”
I nod. I shouldn’t be asking this, but I just need to know. I also know I have a better chance of getting the truth from Max than from Savannah.
“Not in the sense of what you’re probably thinking. We sleep together occasionally. Usually, before a competition or big event. It tends to help her relax, you know.”
“So, you just fuck around?”
“Um, yeah, I guess. Between the two of us, I’ve kinda always wanted more with her.” Shit. “But she’s always been adamant that she doesn’t want a relationship. So, I just take what I can get from her.”
He looks after her longingly, and I realize that he’s in love with her. Poor guy. If she’s brushed him off for this long, it’s probably never going anywhere. I wonder if he realizes that. I’m not going to be the one to tell him that, though.
“Why do you ask? Are you, uh, interested in her or something?”
“No,” I lie. “No, I was just curious from a coach’s standpoint, I guess. It’s none of my business, really.”
He chuckles. “She’s a handful, man, but there’s something about her that draws me in,” he explains. I nod in agreement because I feel the exact same way.
It takes about an hour after we reach the summit of our hike to get back to my car.
We took our time coming down. Savannah walked behind me and Max again, but I kept looking over my shoulder to check on her.
She seemed deep in thought, but occasionally, she’d catch me staring.
Once, I could’ve sworn she almost smiled at me.
“Do you want shotgun this time, Sav?” Max asks, opening the passenger door. He didn’t even give her a chance when we left her apartment.
“Doesn’t matter,” Savannah answers. Max gestures toward the open door with his hand, so she slides in. I like having her sitting next to me.
“Thank you both for going hiking with me,” I tell them as I pull out of the parking lot and start on my way back to Savannah’s apartment.
“Yeah, man. It was fun,” Max says cheerily from the back.
“It was… not as bad as I thought,” Savannah reluctantly admits.
“I’ll take that,” I say, trying to hide my smile. Secretly, I wish it had been just the two of us, but I know that would be inappropriate. Honestly, I’m not sure she’d agree to go anywhere alone with me, which is probably for the best.
We’re barely on the road when my phone rings. It comes up on my hands-free, and I see it’s my mom. I never ignore a call from her because… I just never know what it might be.
“Sorry, guys, I need to answer this.” I press the accept button. “Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, honey.”
She sounds tired. More tired than I would expect for midday. “You ok?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I was just wondering where you were. Are you coaching today?”
I told her last night where I would be. She sounds confused, which the doctor said is a potential side effect of the medical trial she’s currently undergoing. I don’t want to make her feel bad, though, so I say, “No, I went hiking with Max and Savannah. I’m on my way home. Do you need anything?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Logan. Did you tell me and I forgot?”
I grip the steering wheel tighter. I don’t want to lie to her. “Yeah, Mom, but it’s ok.”
“Oh.” She sounds disappointed in herself, and I hate that. “Well, you have fun and I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, ok. Love you.”
“Love you, too, honey.” The call disconnects, and the car fills with silent tension.
After a few uncomfortable moments of me stewing in silence, I clear my throat. “Uh, do you guys mind if we stop by my house before I drop you off? It’s on the way. I just need to check on her.”
“Of course,” Savannah says quickly.
“Yeah, man. Totally fine,” Max agrees.
I nod several times. I know my mom is probably fine and she’ll be embarrassed if she knew I went out of my way to go check on her, but Anya had something to do this morning, so she’s not at home. Mom said last night that she was fine to stay by herself, but I should’ve known it wasn’t a good idea.
We ride the rest of the way to my house in silence.
“You guys can come in,” I tell them as I slide out of the car once I’m parked in the driveway. I’m sure they’re going to have questions about this anyway. Might as well get it over with.
They share a look, probably wondering whether they should, before they follow me into the house.
“Mom!” I call out as soon as I’m through the door. She’s not in the living room where I expect her to be, so I quickly walk down the hall to her room. I’m grateful that Savannah and Max decide to stay in the living room.
“Mom?” I knock gently on her door before I push it open. She’s sitting up in her bed, and I’m instantly hit with relief.
“Hi, honey. What are you doing home so soon?” she asks.
“I was worried about you, so I stopped home to check on you really quick,” I admit before sitting down on the corner of her bed.
“Logan, you didn’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
I sigh. “I needed to be sure.” I think I’ll need to be sure every day for the rest of my life. I thought we were done the first time. I thought I’d be able to relax, but when the cancer came back, I realized that I’d never be able to relax. I’d never be able to not fear the worst.
My dad left when I was really young, so my mom is the only family I’ve ever had. I can’t lose her.
“Logan…” She can tell me over and over again that I don’t need to worry about her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will.
“It was on the way. Max and Savannah are in the living room. We all rode in my car, so I’m gonna take them home and come right back.”
“Oh, they’re here? I’ll come say hello.” She stands from her bed, a little wobbly at first. “And you don’t have to come right back, you know that, right? You can go out. Enjoy your life. I want that for you.”
“I know. I am enjoying my life. I went on a great hike today.”
“What about a girlfriend?” she asks out of nowhere. Great. I came home to check on her, and now I’m the one getting questioned.
“It’s not top on my priority list,” I tell her… again because we’ve had this conversation several times.
“I think you should consider moving it up on your list.” She quickly brushes her hair in the mirror.
“I’ll take your thoughts into consideration.”
She lets out a quiet laugh because she knows that means I will not be moving it up on my list.
I follow behind her as she walks out of her room and out into the living room, where Max and Savannah are sitting on the couch.
They both stand when they see her. One thing about my mother is that it doesn’t matter how sick she feels or how tired she is, she’s always up for entertaining.
She’s a social person to her core. While I’m decent at talking to people, I don’t go out of my way to have conversations.
My mom, on the other hand, will know every detail about the woman at the grocery store check-out lane before she even swipes her card. It’s a gift.
But I’ll be honest, I love seeing her face light up at the chance to talk to people. With her immune system being compromised, she doesn’t get to go out as much as she would like, so this little spur-of-the-moment gathering in our living room is a big deal for her.
“Max, Savannah, how are you?”
“Hi, Natalia. It’s great to see you again,” Savannah says first. She smiles as she hugs my mom, and it’s one of the few genuine smiles I’ve ever seen her give. It makes me feel… well, it just makes me feel .
“How was your hike this morning? Tell me all about it!” My mom sits down on the couch next to Savannah.
The three of them talk about where we went, how crowded it was, and what the view looked like from the top.
All very normal conversations while I silently stew, figuring out what I’m going to tell them about why I had to come home so quickly.
I haven’t told anyone about Mom’s cancer yet.
Everyone who knows about it found out from my mom.
“Would you all like anything to drink? It seems my son has forgotten his manners.” I didn’t forget my manners, but it wasn’t a priority when I was racing into the house. I don’t say that, though.
“Oh, no, we’re fine, Natalia, but thank you,” Savannah tells her.
“I’m sorry that Logan made you stop here when it sounds like you were having such a wonderful day.
I’m afraid that since my diagnosis, he gets worried at the smallest thing.
” She throws around the word diagnosis like it’s nothing.
She knows I haven’t told Max and Savannah, and now she’s put it out there so I’ll have to.
“Oh, it’s no problem. Really.” Savannah smiles, but her eyes flick to me. She heard it, Max heard it, and now there are going to be questions. Lots of questions that I didn’t want to have to answer yet.
“I should probably get you two home,” I say.
My mother gasps and clasps her hands at her chest. “You two should come over for dinner one night. This is my sister’s house, but she would love to meet you guys. We’ve both heard so much about you from Logan.”
“Dinner sounds great, Natalia. Thanks for the invitation.” I assumed Max would jump on the invitation, but it’s actually Savannah who responds.
“Good! I’ll let Logan know when a good night is.”
“Great. Now that that’s settled, let’s get you home,” I announce.
They hug my mom and follow me to the car. Neither one of them says a word. I expected a bunch of questions as soon as we were out of the house, not this awkward silence.
“She has cancer,” I finally say to break the silence.
“I’m sorry, man,” Max says from the back.
“Is she going through treatment?” Savannah asks. Her voice is gentle, and it shows a side of her I’ve never seen.
“Yeah. She went through chemo once. We thought it was gone, but it came back. Right now, she’s doing a clinical trial through the university's med school.”
“And how’s that going?”
“Good, they think. At least it seems promising at this point.”
She nods and looks out her window. “Good. That’s good.”
And then the silence is back.