13. Savannah
THIRTEEN
SAVANNAH
Logan pockets his phone when he sees Max and me coming toward the ice.
“My mom would like me to invite you two to dinner tonight. But please don’t feel like you have to,” he says before we even get to say hello.
“Ah, shit, man. I can’t tonight. I’ve got to work.” Max got the online job he interviewed for, which is great. But that means he has to work almost every second we’re not training.
“I can come,” I say. Both of them look at me with raised eyebrows. “What? I like your mom. She’s way cooler than you.”
Logan chuckles. It’s been almost a week since our hiking adventure.
It was a shock hearing about his mother’s diagnosis, and I’ve had so many questions.
But I’ve also been trying to keep my distance from Logan, so it never seems like the right time to bring it up.
There’s also the little problem that it’s none of my business.
I’m trying to be respectful, but unfortunately, I’m nosey as hell.
“Ok, good. I’ll let her know. Thanks, Savannah.”
I nod, and Max grabs my hand, leading us onto the ice. “What was that about? I gave you the perfect out.”
“What? I don’t mind having dinner with Logan’s mom. She seems nice.”
Both of his eyebrows raise in surprise. “Who are you and what have you done with my Sav?”
“What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is you hate having to socialize, especially when it involves our coach. Need I remind you that you claim to hate him? You said going to yoga with him was the second worst day of your life.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not going for him. I’m going for his mom.”
He laughs. “I’m almost sad I have to work. I’d love to see how this plays out.”
“It’s just dinner.”
“So you say. Hopefully, you and Coach don’t get into a food fight.”
“Shut up. Let’s skate.”
We spend the next two hours skating before going to dance class. Then we’re back on the ice for another three hours practicing our routines over and over again.
When practice is finally over, Max hurries off to the locker room to grab his stuff and head home.
He’s gone by the time I meet Logan in the lobby.
I wasn’t planning for dinner, so I don’t exactly have a change of clothes.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to attend dinner in my leggings and off-the-shoulder T-shirt that I wore to practice.
“I can drive if you want. Then I’ll bring you back to your car after dinner.”
“You’re sure?” I ask.
He opens the passenger side door of his car and ushers me in. “Positive.”
Suddenly, I feel nervous. It’s just dinner with my coach and his mom. Nothing to be nervous about. Right?
“Thank you for doing this,” Logan says once we’re on the road. “It’ll make my mom really happy.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Logan. If I didn’t want to do this, I would’ve said no.
” I play it off like it’s no big deal. This morning when I agreed, it didn’t feel like a big deal, but now that it’s just the two of us in his car on the way to his house, I’m rethinking my decision.
But it’s too late now. I’ve got to live with my choice.
He chuckles. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right.”
His mother hugs me the second I walk through the door, and I’m whisked into the kitchen to be introduced to Logan’s Aunt Anya.
Both women are stunning, and it’s easy to see where Logan got his looks.
I instantly regret my outfit. I should’ve gone home to change first, or better yet, not agreed to dinner in the first place.
“I’m so sorry I look terrible. I came right from training.”
His mother waves me off. “You look beautiful. Doesn’t she look beautiful, Logan?”
I’m about to interject to say he doesn’t have to agree with her, but he simply hands me a bottle of water and says, “She does.”
She does.
He didn’t even hesitate. Does he think I won’t overthink that statement all night? It’s the second time in a week he’s mentioned I’m beautiful. How am I supposed to take that? Do I pretend that’s totally normal?
“Well, thank you,” I say, trying to hide the blush creeping up my neck.
“Have you ever had pirozhki? It’s one of Logan’s favorite meals, so we decided to make it tonight,” Natalia tells me.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it.”
“Oh, you’re going to like it. We made half with meat and rice and half with potatoes and caramelized onions. You’ll have options.” She winks at me like we’re sharing some sort of secret.
“It sounds delicious.”
She seems to be in much better spirits today than she was the other day.
She’s gotten dressed and done her hair. I can’t even tell that she’s sick.
Which is likely what she wants. I can’t imagine what it must be like for Logan knowing his mother is going through so much.
If it were me…? Yeah, I don’t even want to think about it.
It’s already been way too long since I last spoke to my mom.
“So, Savannah, tell me honestly. How is my son as a coach?” Her smile is kind, and I know she’s teasing, but that doesn’t stop Logan from groaning on the stool next to me.
“Mom…”
“He’s… not as bad as I thought he was going to be,” I say. It’s not completely a lie. I assumed he would be full of himself, annoying, rude, and a lot of other negative things, but so far, even though I hate to admit this, it hasn’t been that bad.
“That’s a compliment coming from her, Mom. Trust me,” Logan says with a laugh.
I hit my knee into his leg. In return, he grabs my thigh and squeezes, making me laugh.
Then, when I expect him to move his hand away, he doesn’t.
He rests it gently on my thigh as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.
I don’t know if I’m more annoyed that he assumed I’d be fine with this physical touch or that I actually kind of like it.
It’s possible I’ve sent him mixed signals agreeing to come here tonight.
I know I could tell him to move it. I should tell him to move it. But I don’t. Instead, I stare at his large hand resting on my leg. Of course, he has nice hands with long fingers. Why wouldn’t every part of him be attractive?
“Logan has shown me videos of your routines. You look phenomenal.”
I turn to look at Logan, hoping he can’t see just how happy that makes me. “You’re proud of us, Coach? Showing us off to your mom?”
“Very proud,” he admits easily, making eye contact with me. Honestly, I expected some pushback. I thought he’d make up some excuse for why he showed her the videos, but no. He’s actually proud of us. I don’t know how to handle his kindness.
I look away, the heaviness of his stare too much.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. Obviously, I’m attracted to Logan.
There’s no denying it. But I can be attracted to him without feeling things, can’t I?
I’m not usually a feelings type of girl.
I don’t get attached. I don’t look for little things like his hand on my leg or him giving me praise.
This is out of the ordinary for me, and it’s starting to scare me.
I should not have come to this dinner. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
“Well,” I say, taking a large inhale to clear my mind. “I think we’re all hoping for the best at our first competition.”
“That’s right!” Natalia says. “When do you fly out? Is it two weeks from now?”
I nod. “Yes. It feels too soon.”
“It’s not too soon,” Logan adds. “We need to get in front of the judges and get some feedback so we know how to improve.”
Natalia reaches out and takes my hand. It feels like a very motherly thing to do, which makes me miss my own mother.
“You’re going to do great. The first competition of the season is always the hardest. I would always be so nervous before my first one.
Even if I practiced for twelve hours a day leading up to it, it never felt like enough. ”
“How long did you skate for?” I ask, like I haven’t already researched everything I could about her because I have no chill.
“Oh gosh. I skated my whole life, really. I only stopped competing after I had Logan when I was twenty-nine. Then I took up coaching.”
“Did you coach Logan?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No. We talked about it a few times, but I wanted to stay in my lane as his mom. Coaching your own child gets tricky, and I wanted to be there to support him. He was lucky to have some really great coaches along the way, though.”
“That’s really great.”
“Logan tells me you grew up in Nebraska?”
How much did he tell his mother about me? I wonder if he’s told her this much about Max. The weight of his hand on my thigh feels heavier.
“Um, yeah. From a really small town. When I made the decision to start skating competitively, my family moved us here to Colorado so I’d have more opportunities.”
“That’s lovely! And you live with your sister?”
Seems like Logan might be talking about me quite a bit.
“Yes. My younger sister and I share an apartment. We’re pretty close. She’s got two more years left of college, so she’s stuck with me until she graduates.”
“That’s great that the two of you are so close. I look back and always wish Logan had a sibling.”
“Mom…” Logan warns, as if he doesn’t want to dive into this subject. I want to ask why he didn’t get a sibling, but based on Logan’s tone and the fact that he has not once mentioned his father, I’m guessing it’s not a topic he wishes to discuss.
“I know. I know. Just something I think about sometimes. Anyway, we should eat!” She turns to Logan’s aunt. “Anya, is everything ready?”
“Yes. Yes. Just finishing the salad. Go sit.”
Logan grabs my hand (yes, grabs my hand!
!) and walks me to the dining room table.
I’m so shocked by him openly touching me like this that I don’t know how to act.
Max does things like this all the time, but that’s because he knows me intimately and that’s just how we are together, but this…
? I’m out of my depth here. Is this how Logan is?
He’s never been openly touchy-feely at the rink before.
He lets go of my hand and pulls out a chair for me.
I do my best to make sure I don’t look completely shell-shocked as I take a seat.
Logan sits next to me while his mom and aunt sit across from us.
This feels very much like I’m meeting a boyfriend’s family, and I’m really wishing that Max were here to fill the awkwardness for me like he always does.
Thankfully, dinner is an easy affair where I hardly have to talk about myself at all.
Natalia fills the time with stories of Logan’s childhood, Anya mentions something her “idiot ex-husband said to her” (her words, not mine), and Logan reminds his mom about the time she thought she could snowboard and ended up scooting down the slopes on her butt instead.
This story makes me laugh, and I end up agreeing to go snowboarding with them this winter like we’re a big happy family or something.
When we’ve finished eating, I move to follow Anya into the kitchen with my empty plate, but Natalia shoos me off.
“No, you two go sit outside. Enjoy the evening. Anya and I will clean up.” She winks at me again, and I’m starting to wonder if she thinks there is something more going on between Logan and me.
Logan intertwines our fingers like it’s normal for us to hold hands and leads me out back to a small couch in front of a fire pit. I sit while he lights the fire. It’s not really needed for warmth, but the ambiance is kinda nice.
Logan sits next to me but leaves a good amount of space between us.
Instead of spewing out my inner monologue, I take a deep breath and calmly say, “Can I ask you something?”
He leans his head back on the cushion, looking completely relaxed. “Mhmm.”
“Did you retire because of your mom?”
He exhales slowly and keeps his gaze on the night sky. “I guess you could say that. She didn’t want me to, but when the cancer came back, she decided to come here and live with my aunt. Then her doctor suggested the clinical trials at the university, and I knew I wanted to be with her.
“Competing takes so much out of you. I know I don’t need to explain it to you, but I felt like when I was skating, my family was the last thing on my priority list. I wanted to be able to put her first. To go to treatments with her and check on her throughout the day if I needed to.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that if I kept competing at the level I was at.
“So, I retired. It was a quick decision for me. I think everyone was surprised, even me, to be honest. But I’d hit every goal I set out to accomplish. I’d won every medal I wanted to. I’m proud of my career as a skater, and now I want to be proud of my career as a coach.”
I wasn’t expecting him to answer so honestly. It takes me a moment to process everything he’s said.
“Coaching isn’t taking as much time away? I mean, you are with us for most of the day.”
He slowly shakes his head. “No. It’s different.
My mind isn’t in a constant state of pushing myself.
When I’m not with you two on the ice, I can take a second to think.
Take a day off without ruining my training schedule.
I can come home in the middle of the day while you’re working out or at dance to check on Mom if I want to.
I feel so much relief now that I’m not competing. ”
I’ve never thought about when I might retire.
Obviously, I know it will happen someday, but it’s always seemed so far away.
But I can understand what he means. The pressure we put on ourselves as athletes is not maintainable.
Even during the off-season, what little we get, there’s always something that can be worked on or worried about for the upcoming season.
I can’t remember a time when I truly felt at peace. My mind is always going.
“Thanks for telling me,” I say quietly.
He turns to look at me, and a lazy smile tugs at his lips. “Thanks for listening. And thanks for giving me a chance as your coach.”
“Well, to be fair, I didn’t really have a choice.” He laughs at that. “But it’s kinda working out so far.”
“I guess we’ll see after this competition,” he says.
“I guess we will.”
We sit out outside enjoying the Colorado sunset for a little while longer until I yawn and he decides it’s time to take me home. There’s no more hand-holding or small touches as I say goodbye to his family and we make the trip back to the rink to get my car. He thanks me again for coming to dinner.
As I drive home, I wonder if I overanalyzed everything he did tonight. Do I want him holding my hand to mean something when it didn’t? Was his hand resting on my leg because I simply sat too close to him and it was the most convenient place to put it?
I’m not cut out for this. My relationship with Max is easy because we both know why we’re there.
I don’t do other relationships because I’m no good at them.
Now, I’m going to go home and lie in bed, overthinking every single thing I did or said all night long and wonder if it was appropriate or if I gave him some sort of invisible sign.
This is the last thing I need in my life right now.