19. Savannah
NINETEEN
SAVANNAH
Logan has been the epitome of professionalism the last few days.
There have been no dirty comments, no asking me to stay late and skate with him, no longing glances.
Actually, he barely looks at me at all. I know it’s for the best, but I’d be lying if I didn’t wish he’d look at me like he’s dying inside, just like I am.
Every day, I show up to the rink. I warm up. I skate. I meet with my other coaches. I do all my required classes. I listen to everyone’s feedback. Max and I perfect our routine even more. It’s exactly what I wanted.
But all I can think about is how Logan’s lips felt on mine. How his hand felt between my legs. How I want more.
It’s so unlike me. I’ve never been one to really care about sex or anything to do with a relationship. Skating has always been my number one. Relationships require a commitment I’ve never wanted to give someone else.
Now I find myself making it a point to find Logan while I’m on the ice. It’s like I want his approval more than anything. I want all of his attention, and this hot and cold is killing me.
Which is exactly what I’m doing one day when I notice Tati standing next to him off the ice. I immediately stop what I’m doing and skate toward her with Max following behind.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen her. It’s hard going from seeing one person every single day for years to seeing them every few weeks. I’ve missed her.
“Just checking in on things. Do you have time for a break? I’d like to chat for a minute if you have time,” she explains.
I look to Logan. “I guess that’s up to my coach.”
He smiles but won’t look me in the eye. “Of course.”
I sigh, step off the ice, grab my blade guards, and follow Tati. Max stays back with Logan because Tati said she’d talk with him separately.
We head into an empty room and sit across from each other.
We’ve had conversations like this so many times over the years.
She’d ask me how I was feeling about a routine, if I liked the way we were doing a certain move, or just make sure that I was ready for an upcoming competition.
It was so easy to be honest with her then.
But for some reason, I feel like I’m in trouble this time.
Which is ridiculous because I’ve done nothing to get in trouble for. Kind of.
“Tell me how it’s going, Savannah,” she says, diving right in.
“Good.”
“Good?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
She laughs a little. “That’s all you’re going to give me? You’re the girl with opinions about everything and you’re only going to tell me things are good?”
I shrug. “Our program feels really solid. We did well at the last competition. I’m proud of our performance.”
“You should be proud. You skated beautifully.”
“Thank you.”
“So, you have no concerns? Nothing you want to discuss? This is my only day here for a while, so now’s your chance.”
“It sounds like you want me to complain about something.”
“Of course not. You were just very… vocal when you found out I was leaving and Coach Logan was stepping in. I want to make sure he’s living up to my expectations.”
“Oh.” I suppose that makes sense.
“He’s a pro skater, Savannah, but this is his first time coaching. If there’s anything I need to work on with him, I need you to let me know.”
“I’m not having any issues with Coach Logan.”
Her eyebrows raise in surprise. “So you two have worked past your differences?”
Yeah, I’d say so, considering his tongue was in my mouth a few days ago. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. We tolerate each other.”
She studies me as if she’s trying to tell if I’m lying, so I give in and give her a few more details.
“He told me about his mother and what happened the day of the incident. I understand a bit more about why it happened and why it was sort of swept under the rug. I’m still pissed, but I’m trying to move on.”
Her eyebrows raise in surprise. “Wow. I’m proud of you, Savannah. I’m also surprised Logan shared that about his mother. He’s very private about her.”
I huff a laugh. “Yeah, he didn’t give it up easily. It’s almost like he wanted me to hate him.”
“Well, however it happened, I’m glad he shared that. I think he’s been good for you and Max. You seemed so much more confident on the ice during your last competition.”
“Really?”
“Oh yes. I could definitely tell a difference.”
“Is it Olympic confidence?”
“You’re getting there. It’ll happen, Sav. Keep believing in yourself. Keep working hard.”
We talk for a few more minutes about her and what she’s been up to, but eventually I leave, and it’s Max’s turn. I find Logan sitting on a bench by the ice, and there’s just enough room for me next to him.
“Why are you ignoring me?” I ask, ripping the Band-Aid off since I don’t know how long Max will be with Tati.
Logan sighs. “It’s not possible for me to ignore you, Savannah. I wish I could.”
“You are. You haven’t talked to me in days.”
He looks at me for the first time. “I talk to you every day.”
I shake my head. “You coach me every day. You don’t talk to me.”
“I’m trying so damn hard, Savannah.”
I cock my head to the side, trying to understand what he’s talking about. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t stop thinking about you. I wake up every morning wishing I could kiss you. I go to bed every night remembering what you felt like. I watch you skate and can’t take my eyes off you. I want you so damn bad, but I’m trying to control myself.”
His confession is unexpected. He’s seemed so aloof the past few days, I’d honestly thought I did something wrong.
“What if I don’t want you to control yourself?”
“I have to. I’m your coach. I can’t be your distraction.”
“Tati just told me that I’ve never looked more confident on the ice. Maybe you’re the distraction I need.”
He groans. “Savannah.”
“What?”
“You’re killing me here.”
“I’m not trying to, it’s just… I think about all the same things you do. I thought… well, I thought I didn’t care, but it turns out I do care. About you. A lot.”
He looks at me, really looks at me for the first time in days.
I’m expecting another rejection. He hasn’t known me for very long, so he doesn’t realize that it’s a big deal for me to care about someone else.
I care about my family, of course. And skating.
But that’s about it. I’ve never had a boyfriend or any sort of serious relationship.
Max is the closest I’ve come, and well, that’s not anywhere near an actual relationship.
Logan sits up straighter, but just as he’s about to say something, Max pops next to me.
“Hey. Ready?” Max asks, completely oblivious to what he just interrupted.
“That was fast,” I say, hoping I don’t sound too upset that he’s back so soon. But really, I could’ve used another five minutes.
He shrugs. “She wanted complaints, and I don’t have any. Not much to say after that.”
I nod. “Right.” I look back at Logan, who is looking anywhere else but in my direction. I guess our conversation is over. “Alright, yeah. Let’s go.”
I take Max’s hand and let him lead me onto the ice.
“Everything ok?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder at Logan.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” I lie. “Must just be in a bad mood.”
“Hmm. Weird. He didn’t mention anything to me.”
Max and I go through everything we needed to work on today, and when we skate back to the exit, Logan is gone. We check our phones and both have a text saying that he had to leave and he’ll see us tomorrow.
I can’t help but wonder if he left because of me or because he actually had to. I don’t text him back. If he wants it to be like this, then fine. I’m certainly not going to chase a man.