23. Savannah
TWENTY-THREE
SAVANNAH
Our second competition of the season is finally here. I’m excited because Max and I have really tightened up a few things in our routine that I think are going to make all the difference.
Unfortunately, this also means that I have to tell Max what’s been going on with me and Logan, whether I want to or not.
There’s no way I can keep up our pre-competition ritual of sleeping together when I feel the way I do about Logan.
I can’t tell Max I’m just not in the mood.
He’ll never believe that. And I can’t imagine being with anyone in that capacity now except for Logan.
He’s completely changed me. Consumed me, really.
I’ve always enjoyed sex, but now I feel like I can’t get enough.
I don’t know if it’s the act itself as much as the person I’m doing it with.
My feelings for Logan are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.
It’s scary, but I like it. And I like who I am with Logan.
So, in an effort not to have a monumental fight with Max right before our competition, I’ve asked him to come to my apartment the night before we’re scheduled to fly out to our next comp.
Logan offered to come and give moral support, but I think this is something I need to discuss with Max, just the two of us. We have a history together, and he is one of my very best friends. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.
By the time he comes through my front door, I’ve got dinner ready and on the kitchen table. Kelsey has agreed to stay in her room and pretend she’s not here. She knows this has a very strong chance of not going well at all.
“Hey, Sav.” Max hugs me and looks over my head to the table. “You made dinner. Wow. What’s the occasion?”
“Well, I bought dinner. I didn’t make it. I just feel like we haven’t seen each other much lately outside of the rink.”
He walks to the table and takes a seat. “I know. This whole working at night thing is killing me, but it’s good money and they’re really flexible with my schedule.”
“That’s great. I’m really happy that you were able to find something like that. I’ll probably need to do that soon, too.”
While we have sponsorships and a few brand partnerships that we post about on social media, it’s certainly not enough to keep us going for very long. Unless, of course, we go to the Olympics, which is the goal after all.
“So, what’s going on with you?” he asks, taking a bite of his food.
I’m dreading this conversation so much. I don’t know how to bring it up. My hands are literally shaking in my lap.
“I, um, actually I need to talk to you about something.”
Max looks up at me and puts his fork down, giving me his full attention.
That’s the thing about Max. He’s a good guy.
A really good guy. If I ask for something, he does it.
If I need something, he gets it. He’s attentive.
He’s so sweet, and everyone loves him. It would be easier all around if I were with him.
But maybe I’m not cut out for easy.
“What’s going on, Sav? Why do you look so nervous?”
“Because I am.”
“Is it about the competition?”
“No. No. I feel good about that. Great really. It’s actually about… Logan.”
“As in our coach?” He sighs. “Are you trying to get him fired or something? I thought we were past that.”
“No. It’s not that. It’s… oh god, I’m just going to say it. We’re sleeping together.”
An eerie silence descends over the room. I’m not sure if either one of us takes a breath while Max processes what I just said.
“You’re sleeping with our coach?” he asks slowly.
I nod, trying really hard to hold back my tears.
I hate that I’m hurting him. Sure, we had an agreement that we would let the other know if we started seeing someone else, but I really never thought it’d be me.
I always thought he would be the one to find someone else.
I knew I’d be fine if that were the case, but this?
This is torture. I see the hurt in Max’s eyes, and I hate that I put it there.
“How did this happen? I thought you hated him,” he says finally.
“I did hate him. Until I didn’t, I guess.”
“So, are the two of you together now?” he asks, rubbing his brow.
“Um, not technically. But I do have feelings for him, and I didn’t think it was fair to keep that from you anymore.”
Max nods and runs his hand through his hair. He sighs again before saying, “Alright, well, I’m happy for you, Sav.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I mean, if you’re happy, I’m happy. I like Logan. You certainly could’ve done worse. I’m guessing you’re telling me now because it means our before comp deal is over. Though that kind of sucks for me.”
I nod. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Sav. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t wish it were me instead of him, but it is what it is. Was Tati ok with it since he’s our coach and all?”
I wince.
“She doesn’t know?”
I shake my head. “No one knows except you and Kelsey. And maybe Logan’s mom. I’m not sure.”
“Shit, Sav. You’re gonna get us in trouble. You’ve gotta tell her. If you’re going to fuck around with your coach, at least be above board with it.”
“I know. I know. I’ll tell her. I just… need time to figure out what this is. It’s so new.”
He sighs. “Fine. I’ll keep your little secret for now, but you better tell her soon.”
“I will. Thank you for being so understanding.” This went way better than I ever could’ve imagined. I can tell he’s disappointed, but at least he’s not mad. I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that.
“Sav, you’re my friend, first and foremost. I think you probably know that I love you, but I know you don’t feel the same.”
“I’m sorry, Max.”
He waves me off. “Ah, don’t be sorry. It is what it is. I’ll be fine. I just want you to be careful. The longer you hide it, the worse it’ll look.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I’m afraid it’s going to look bad either way, but I know what you mean.”
“How long has this been going on?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, a few weeks, maybe?”
“A few weeks? You two managed to hide this from me for weeks?” he asks, surprised.
“It was hard. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was scared.”
He reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Sav, never be scared to tell me something, ok? We’ve always been honest with each other. That doesn’t need to stop just because your cold, black heart decided to have feelings for once.”
“Hey!” We both laugh, but he’s not wrong. I never thought we’d be here because of me . “So, we’re going to be ok?”
“We’re good. Maybe my broken heart and longing will make for even more chemistry on the ice.”
“Max!”
He laughs. “What? It’s true now that I know I can’t have you. Oh shit, am I gonna have to be careful about where I touch you? I wouldn’t want your boyfriend to get mad because I accidentally held your ass too long.”
“He’s not my boyfriend. Officially. And I don’t think he would be like that. He knows about our history and what skating with a partner entails. We don’t need to act different, ok? Like you said. We’re friends first and foremost.”
He sighs and gives me a sad smile. “Forever friend-zoned.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“I’m just messing with you, Sav. Anyway, I think I’m gonna take off.”
I point to his plate. “You haven’t finished eating.”
“I know. I, uh, kind of lost my appetite after that conversation. I think I need some time to process this information on my own, you know?”
I nod and stand to give him a hug.
“I’m sorry it couldn’t be me, Sav, but I’m happy for you, alright? I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep it off. See you at the airport tomorrow?”
He releases me from the hug and takes a step back. I nod.
My shoulders sag in relief as he walks out the door.
It went better than I thought, but I can tell he’s sad. Max has always been so good to me, and this feels like I’m letting him down. I know you can’t help who you fall for, but it really sucks breaking your friend’s heart.
Kelsey cracks her door open. “You ok?”
I nod, but I can feel the tears coming. She comes out and wraps me in her arms. I’m so happy that Logan and I have what we have, but I’m sad that this chapter with Max is coming to an end.
Even though we’re still partners and friends, I know things won’t be like they used to be.
I know I broke his heart, which hurts the most.
“You did the right thing, Savannah. At least now he knows where he stands,” she tells me as she rubs my back.
“I know. I just hated seeing him so hurt.”
“He’s a big boy. He’ll be ok.”
She holds me until I stop crying, and then we sit on the couch, snuggle under a blanket, and watch a movie together.
Logan texts asking if everything went ok and offers to come over, but I tell him I need the night alone.
Kelsey assures me that everything will be ok.
By the time I go to bed, I think I might even believe her.