31. Savannah
THIRTY-ONE
SAVANNAH
Our next competition comes and goes quickly. It feels like we’re flying through the events this season. With winter coming up fast and the Midwestern Sectional Championships at the end of November, I’m feeling really, really good.
We took second place in our last competition, which kind of sucked, but it was only by a tenth of a point, so I’m pretty happy with that. Even Max seemed happy. He was on time every day and joking around. Everything felt right and back to normal.
We have a month and a half to prepare for sectionals, and I feel confident that we’ll place in the top four.
Logan feels confident, too, which I think is why this year feels so much different.
I truly feel like Logan believes in us.The energy this season feels different.
Maybe I’m more confident and sure of myself.
Who knows. Whatever the reason, I’m excited.
The first day back at practice after our competition, I’m ready to hit the ice. Ready to get us a tenth of a point better to make sure we win.
Logan and I get to the rink a bit early. I want to warm up a little more, and he’s got paperwork to fill out from the competition. He kisses me goodbye before I hit the warm-up room.
I’m mid-stretch when Max walks in wearing jeans and a hoodie.
I look up at him. “It’s going to be hard to stretch in jeans.”
“Can we talk?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure.” I want to add that we talk every day, but his tone tells me it’s not the time to be a smart ass. He nods his head and motions for me to leave the warm-up room. This must be serious if he wants to talk to me alone.
Reluctantly, I stand and follow him into a private room. At this point, my heart is racing because I know this isn’t going to be good, whatever it is.
He shuts the door and sighs.
“What’s going on, Max?”
Another sigh. “I’ve decided to retire.”
Everything around me goes still. He cannot be saying what I think he’s saying. “From what?”
“From ice dance. Skating. All of it.”
He’s leaving me. In the middle of the season, the year before the Olympic qualifiers, when he knows this season is so important.
“You’re retiring from ice dance,” I repeat slowly, trying to comprehend what’s happening. My hands are shaking and my chin starts to tremble, but I refuse to cry. Not now. Not when he’s hurting me the most.
“Yeah. I, fuck. I’m sorry, Sav. I thought I could do it. I thought I’d be ok seeing you and him together, but I’m not.”
“You said—” I pause to take a breath to keep myself from crying. “You said you’d be fine. You agreed that we would end our arrangement if either of us met someone. You promised.”
“I know what I agreed to, but it’s killing me. I can’t do it anymore. So, I’m bowing out now. You still have time to find another partner before next season. And you’ll still be able to make it to the Olympics.”
“What about you? We’re so close. You’ve always wanted to go to the Olympics. It was our dream.”
He slowly shakes his head and gives me a sad smile.
“No, it was your dream, Sav. I went along with it because I wanted to make you happy, but I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t make you happy anymore. I’ve got to find something that makes me happy.
So, I’m leaving now to give you enough time to find someone else. ”
“You realize how difficult that’s going to be?” I snap.
“Difficult, but not impossible. You’ll get there. I know it. I just won’t be the one by your side.”
I stare at him. I don’t know what to say. My heart is broken. My confidence is crushed. “I’ll never forgive you for this.”
“Sav—”
“You should go.” I cut him off. I’ve heard enough.
“I’m really sorry, Sav.” He takes a step toward me like he plans on comforting me, but that’s the last thing I need from him right now.
I hold my hand up to stop him. “Please leave before I say something I’ll regret.”
He sighs, and his shoulders slump. “Good luck, Savannah.”
“Yeah. You too.”
He turns and leaves me standing alone. I’m stunned. I don’t know what to do. How do I find a new partner? Will I have enough time? Is my dream gone again?
When I finally realize I need to do something, I force my legs to move and find Logan. He’ll fix this.
He’s in the office where I left him this morning with a laptop in front of him.
He smiles when he sees me in the doorway, but it immediately drops.
“What’s wrong?” He stands from the desk and walks toward me.
“He quit.”
His eyebrows furrow in concern. “Who?”
“Max.”
And then I crumple to the ground and start sobbing. Logan sits next to me, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me onto his lap. He holds my head to his chest, trying to calm me. I can hear his heartbeat racing.
“I don’t understand,” he says. “He just quit?”
I nod against him. “He said… he said it’s killing him to skate with me when he can’t be with me.”
“Goddamnit,” he mumbles. I feel him take a deep breath before he focuses back on me. “Don’t worry, baby. We’ll figure this out, ok?”
“How? How am I going to find a new partner mid-season?” I say between sobs.
“I’ll be your partner.”
“You’re retired,” I state the obvious.
“I’ll come out of retirement.”
I shake my head and wipe some of the tears away, even though it’s pretty useless. They just keep coming. “I can’t ask you to do that. Your mom?—”
“Will understand. And you’re not asking me. I’m offering to do it.”
“Logan.”
He puts his hands on either side of my face. “Look at me, Savannah.”
Reluctantly, I look up at him. I can’t imagine what a mess I look like right now.
“I love you, Savannah. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy and see you succeed. If that means coming out of retirement so you can get to the Olympics, then that’s what I’ll do.
Because I want to be able to give you that.
It would be an absolute honor to skate with you. ”
He leans down and kisses me, tears, snot, and all. I don’t know how he does it. How, on the worst day of my life, he can make it seem like everything will be ok.
“Come on. Let’s get you home to rest. I’ll call Tati to find out what we need to do.”
He lifts me off the ground and grabs a tissue from the desk. I wipe my face while he grabs his things.
He walks me to the locker room and waits for me to get my bag. Then he escorts me to his car. Max is nowhere to be seen. He couldn’t even be bothered to tell Logan, our coach, his decision. I wonder if he told Tati or if he was just going to let us handle that for him.
The car ride back to my apartment is quiet. Logan keeps his hand on my leg the entire time as if he’s trying to keep me calm and anchored through his touch.
Kelsey isn’t home when we get there, which is good. I know I’d start crying again with one look from her. Logan changes me out of my leggings and sports bra and back into my pajamas before tucking me into bed.
“I’ll just be in the living room. I’ve got some calls to make to get everything moving, ok? I’ll come check on you in a little bit.”
I nod, and he kisses my head.
Before he makes it to the door, I call his name and he turns back to give me his attention.
“I love you, too, by the way.”
He smiles like he already knew that and leaves me to cry into my pillow while he fixes my problems.