Chapter 42
VARDA HIGH
If anything, things feel even more surreal now than they did when I was on the outs.
Then, at least, my position was clear: I was hated, and even those that didn’t have a reason to be mad at me could get points by dunking on me.
Now, though, no one seems to know how to deal with me.
Every minute my status shifts, and I have to scramble to figure it out.
In history, Javier Rodriguez pulls me into a hug and tells me he’s sorry for everything I’ve been through.
Mr. Blanton takes me aside after class to tell me I can have some extra time on my Macbeth essay, “considering how things have been.” But in the hallway, kids I’ve known since I was a kindergartner still won’t look at me.
And I haven’t caught sight of Hayden or Sophie.
All day I look for them, craning my neck in the hallway, passing the vending machine they always use between third and fourth period.
Once I think I see the back of Sophie’s head, her dark hair in a curling ponytail, but she vanishes before I can catch up.
By the time the final bell rings, I’m more than ready to get out of there. I don’t even bother to swing by the loaner locker the principal gave me. I’m not going to bother with homework today anyway, so who needs to tote around the books?
I’m halfway to the senior parking lot when I remember. Cheer starts in five minutes. Now that my name’s been cleared, Gloria has to let me come back.
I turn to go back inside, and almost bump into Sophie.
She’s coming out into the parking lot, holding her books to her chest. Sophie is small, but somehow, she looks even more tiny than usual. Maybe it’s just because I’m not used to seeing her alone. Her face is bare of makeup, and her hair is knotted at the top of her head.
When she sees me, her eyes go sharp.
“Oh,” I say, my mind going suddenly blank. “Hi.”
She tries to step around me, but I hold up my hands. “Please, Sophie. I just…”
“Stop.” She shakes her head. “Just stop. I don’t want to hear it.”
I nod slowly. But it seems unfair. She has to have realized by now that it wasn’t my fault she was pulled into all this.
“Did you see that Max confessed?” I ask, hoping to see her expression soften.
But she just gives a weary nod. “Yeah. You must be pretty relieved.”
“Yeah … I mean, of course,” I stammer. “It’s pretty fucked up. I thought I could trust him.”
“Yeah.” She looks down. “It sucks.”
We’re quiet for a moment. I’m still blocking her path so she can’t just bolt, but she’s not giving me anything to work with.
“So … are you still benched?” I ask, frowning. “Even with Max’s confession?”
“Yeah. Gloria still wants me to test. It’ll be a few more days until it’s safe to.” She shrugs. “I guess I’m lucky. This way I won’t have a failed test on my record. I just have to miss the rest of the season.”
My heart sinks. “That’s not fair.”
“It’s whatever.” She holds her ground a few feet away from me, still cradling the books. “Mom made me move inside the house too.”
“What?” It comes out as a shriek. “That’s such bullshit!”
“When she found out I was benched, she searched my room and found my stash,” she says. “Along with a few other party goodies I was saving for a rainy day. So it doesn’t really matter if the rumors are cleared up. She doesn’t trust me anymore.”
This is far from the reunion I was imagining. I’d been hoping that she and Hayden would forgive me, would finally understand my side and welcome me back into the fold. But Sophie’s face is hard and unyielding.
“What can I do?” I finally ask. “How can I make it right, Soph?”
She draws up her shoulders, then lets them go in a heavy exhale.
“No offense, Iris, but there’s just nothing you can do right now, okay?
” Sophie finally looks directly at me. Is there the slightest hint of sadness there?
Or is it just exhaustion? “I’m tired of all the drama.
I just want to go home and do my homework and keep my head down.
” She takes a step to the side, this time wider than before.
“I need to take care of myself for a while.”
She makes her way around me.
This time I don’t try to stop her.
Back inside, I walk into the Little Gym in my street clothes. Bella runs over to meet me by the door, and once she’s done that a few other girls follow. Molly hugs me around the neck, and Vanessa looks like she’s about to cry.
“I cannot believe it was Max,” Molly says. “What a fucker.”
“Pretty much,” I agree.
“Are you just dying? I bet you are dying.” Vanessa’s eyes are impossibly round.
I don’t even know what she means by that. “Um, no, I’m okay. Just trying to figure out what the new normal is.” My eyes dart around the room. “No Hayden?”
“Not here,” Molly says. “She texted me today to get our assignments.”
I guess that’s not unusual. Hayden always gets hypochondria when she’s stressed out. Even if some things are “returning to normal” or whatever, she’s probably a mess still. I just wish she’d answer my messages.
Before I can say anything else, Gloria comes in, her ponytail sleek through the hole at the back of her Longhorns baseball cap.
She raises her eyebrows at me, mildly surprised.
I wait to see if she’s going to say anything.
I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m glad you’re back. Welcome. You’re safe here now.
“Well, come on, Henley. Practice is starting right now. Go get changed.”
I think of all the times she’s drilled me, grilled me, assigned me more laps, so that I could stay a flier.
So that I could stay top girl. She’s always been fair to me, even if she is demanding.
And she’s taught me a lot. She’s taught me how to perform, how to look light when I feel heavy, how to push myself past what I think I can do.
I don’t want her to think I’m ungrateful. But I don’t want to be here anymore either.
So I just shake my head. I step back into my cowboy boots, which I kicked off at the door, and pick up my backpack. “I’m sorry, Coach. I can’t. Thank you for everything, but I can’t.”
Gloria’s eyes narrow. The room is silent now, even the music muted. Vanessa’s hands have flown to her mouth in surprise. Molly just looks pale and uncertain.
“You’re not flying anymore?” Gloria asks.
I turn my back on them.
“I’m not cheering anymore.”