Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-Three
Cam
I usually tried to sleep through bus rides to make the hours go faster. This time, I couldn’t. My mind raced with memories of the past five days and the guy I’d spent them with.
Two hours into the trip, I looked inside the canvas bag and found a bag of cheese chips, a pack of Chocnut, mints, and what appeared to be a homemade sandwich wrapped in wax paper. Beneath that, a note.
Maya—
You’re probably reading this on the bus, though I’m hoping you changed your mind and you’re still in the passenger seat next to me. I prepared a speech for you, but I’m not sure how much I said out loud.
In case I didn’t get to tell you (even if I did, you deserve to get it in writing too)—you are a strong, beautiful, amazing woman, and I’m crazy about you. If I could rewind time, I would go back to the hours we spent together and relive them in slow motion, memorizing each frame.
I wish you could have stayed or that I could have gone with you.
But this isn’t goodbye, and you can hold me to that.
I’ll miss you, Camaya Cruz. I know you’ll miss me too. ;)
X Alonzo
I cursed myself for not checking the bag earlier.
If I had, I wouldn’t have left. Now it was too late to turn back and demand that Alonzo give me that speech in person.
I’d felt him gearing up to say something in the car, and I’d halted it with my confession.
I did it because he needed to know the truth to understand why I am the way that I am, but also because part of me recognized that him talking first would have made it harder to say goodbye.
Maybe it was for the best that I hadn’t read this note until now. We both needed space to think things through without getting bogged up in the novelty of the situation and each other.
Instead of texting him like I wanted to, I ate the sandwich—extra cheese, the way I liked it—and finished the buko shake, which was more liquid than ice at that point. Then I spent the rest of the ride alternating between shallow bouts of sleep and replaying memories of Alonzo.
When we arrived in Juana, I walked past the wall that had witnessed our first kiss.
The poster for Ed’s plumbing services had faded, but I felt the tension that had crackled between Alonzo and me like it happened yesterday.
As I swung the gate open, I remembered the night I came home and found Alonzo drinking by the front door.
I went in to swap my backpack for my beach bag, then paused outside the room where he’d stayed.
It had just been a night, but I couldn’t look at it and not immediately think of him.
Tiptoeing out the door, I recalled that moment we’d snuck out of the house together and the first real conversation we had on the way to the beach.
The sound of the water swooshing over the sand grew louder the further I walked, and the scent of the sea filled my nose. My legs went faster until concrete gave way to sand, pulling my feet deeper. Grounding me into the here and now.
As I waded into the chilly water, the chaos in my mind seemed to settle. This— this was what I needed. For a moment, I let myself float on the surfboard, content to simply be one with the sea again.
I was finally home. And yet, it felt like something was missing.
When I looked back at the shore, Nikki was sitting beside my bag. I smiled for the first time since leaving Alonzo.
“Aren’t you supposed to be having breakfast with your daughter?” I called out.
“I missed you too—eek!” Her voice went up a few notches as I ran toward her with my arms stretched wide. “You’re wet!”
Laughing, I hugged her anyway. “This is what you get for ambushing me.”
“Now I need to change clothes again.” She sighed. “I guess I should be thankful you’re hugging me without being forced to.”
“The pollution obviously messed up my brain.”
She pulled away, giving me a skeptical look. “Uh huh. Was it the pollution or was it one of the hottest bachelors in Manila?”
I rolled my eyes and bent to grab my towel. “Alonzo is not one of the hottest.” He was the hottest, period.
“So it’s Alonzo now, huh?”
Even as I focused on drying myself, I could tell that she had a sappy smile on her face. “It wouldn’t make sense to say Manila, right?”
“Sure. Go ahead and lie to yourself if it makes you feel better.”
“It’s the overexposure,” I said, reaching for my tumbler. “He’s conditioned my brain.”
“Are we talking about him or his dick? Also, new tumbler?”
I sighed and faced my best friend. “I like him.”
Her eyes widened. Grinning, she said, “About time. Are we talking like or like like?”
“You don’t need to repeat the word.” I took a drink to delay answering.
“Oh, it is. The repetition changes the meaning.”
That could explain my feelings for Alonzo—the repeated contact, sexual and otherwise. He was the only guy I’d ever experienced that with. Maybe that didn’t necessarily mean he was special, or that we shared anything monumental.
Nikki bumped her elbow against mine. “Whatever you’re thinking now, stop it.”
“It was just supposed to be a hookup.” I flexed my hand around the tumbler.
“Did he say or do anything to make you believe he thought that too?”
No. The opposite, in fact. But I wouldn’t tell her that, because I wasn’t ready to voice out loud how much he made me feel. “It doesn’t matter. He lives in Manila.”
“It’s not that far. And when you get that job?—”
I raised my brows at her. “When?”
“You’re getting it, Cam. You’re just scared to lose a convenient excuse not to pursue this thing with Lonzo.
” Despite the blunt words, Nikki’s voice was gentle, and her face open.
Accepting. Wordlessly telling me that even though she knew about my scars and defense mechanisms, she cared for me just the same.
If someone like her could accept me unconditionally, maybe I wasn’t unlovable after all.
“I told him why I moved here.”
Her eyes went shimmery. “You did?” she breathed out.
“Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“You didn’t tell me that for months.”
“I gave him so much shit. He deserved to know why.”
“You let him in.” Cartoon hearts practically floated from her eyes, and I itched to bat them away with my hands.
“I just let him take a peek.” Even as I said the words, I knew I was lying.
“Funny how Miss Brutally Honest can be such a liar when it comes to love.”
I reared back. “Who mentioned anything about love? I’ve only known him for a few months.”
“It doesn’t matter. Haven’t you heard of love at first sight?”
“That’s called lust.”
She chuckled. “Such a cynic. Love doesn’t depend on how long you know someone but how well you do.”
“Uh huh.” I snagged the opportunity to turn the tables around on her. “ Eric knows you well. Super well, actually.”
Her eyes narrowed on me. For a long moment, she only stared, and then she let out a huge breath. “He asked me out. On a date .”
I internally cheered him on. “About time. What did you say?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“Nikki. You’ve been thinking about it practically since you two met. Don’t deny it.”
Slumping, she rested her head on my shoulder. “What if things go wrong? It’s not just me I need to think about; it’s Jo too. I don’t want to risk her losing the closest thing she has to a father figure.”
“So you’re okay for her to miss out on Eric being more than just her tito and him finding someone else?”
Her head snapped up. “I hate you.”
“That’s my line.” I bumped my arm against hers. “You know I love you both. There are no other people I can think of who deserve each other more than you two.”
“I can think of another pair. Their names start with A and C.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “On that note, I need to shower and get to work.” Aside from the project I’d booked while I was in Manila, I also had an idea I wanted to explore with Eric’s help.
“Me too.” Nikki stood. “But seriously, Cam. I’m rooting for you and Lonzo.”
Deep down, I wanted to root for us too. Because despite my efforts to convince myself it had just been the sex, that wasn’t even in my top memories of Alonzo.
Okay, maybe that time he told me to sit on his?—
I shook my head.
The sex was good. Best I’d ever had. But so were the moments we shared while fully clothed.
Dodging passersby as we walked the city’s busy streets.
Talking as we ate our massive orders of Fil-Mex food.
Standing pressed against each other as we waited for a jeepney or taxi on the side of the road.
Heck, he’d even made my short stint as a dishwasher good because I could look out the little window in the wall and watch him handling customers like a pro.
I enjoyed Alonzo’s company, whether we were bickering or getting along.
I liked liked him.
And even though I swore I’d never miss anything about Manila, I missed knowing Alonzo was just a jeepney ride away. That no matter how shitty my work day went, he’d be there at the end of it, and we would laugh about our separate experiences with people who tested our patience.
I missed Alonzo, period.