Chapter 11
Fourth of July Beach Vacation
I was worried about the beach trip our families were taking together.
Things have been tense between Jay and Ry, which is to be expected.
I’m proud of my brother for stepping up and going to Ryder to apologize.
I still don’t agree with what he did regarding Liz, but I’m glad they are putting their personal issues aside to be there for her.
I see how hard it is for Ryder to watch Liz and Jay together.
To see them kissing or touching. They both have been working hard to be respectful around him and keep the PDA to a bare minimum when he’s around.
Sometimes, it’s hard to do; for instance, times like this.
We’ve been out on the beach all day, boogie boarding, swimming, playing volleyball.
Heck, we even made a kick-butt sandcastle.
It’s midafternoon and we have two days left before we head back home.
We’re staying to watch the big fireworks extravaganza tomorrow night and then plan to leave the beach house the following morning.
I join our parents under the shade canopy to grab a bite to eat.
Ry takes a bag of chips out of a cooler and joins me.
Jay and Liz have broken off from our group and are leisurely walking hand in hand down the beach toward the end of the barrier island where the sound meets the sea.
I can hear Liz’s tinkling laughter as Jay picks her up and throws her over his shoulder, racing into the waves.
She screams, “Jayson Patrick Jameson!” before he launches them both under the water.
Without looking over, I know Ry’s watching them and I feel for him.
Unrequited love and heartbreak are two emotions I’m becoming very familiar with.
“Want to toss the football?” I ask him. I try to distract him as often as I can, hoping it helps take his mind off my brother and Liz.
“Nah, man. I’m good. I think I’m going to head on in and take a shower.”
“Want some company?” He punches my arm. “Not like that,” I clarify, and he barks out a laugh.
“I know what you mean. Still funny though.” He pops a chip into his mouth, looks over to where Jay and Liz are in the distance. Her arms circle around his neck as they bob up and down in the water.
Ryder sighs. “I need a break. I’ll probably walk over to the arcade in a little bit. Want to join me there later?”
“Count me in.” We fist bump.
“Catch ya later,” he calls out and walks back toward the beach access that leads to the house.
It’s dark on the beach as I sit looking out over the water, a cool land breeze blowing from behind, when I hear footsteps in the sand approaching me.
“Hey you,” Liz says and sits down beside me, tilting her head to lean against my shoulder, her presence exactly what I need right now.
“Where’s our boy?” I ask.
“Believe it or not, he and Ryder are playing video games together. It’s the first time they’ve stayed in the same room other than when we eat, so I tiptoed out of there like a silent ninja,” she replies, grinning.
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“Yeah, me too. I know everything is so weird between all of us now. Seeing them together like old times gives me hope.”
“They both love you and want you to be happy.”
“I love them, too.”
“They know. And I’m here for you, too. And for them.”
“You’ve been really great with all of it. Thanks for being there for both of them.”
We sit in silence, watching the night sky and listening to the rhythmic pounding of the waves against the shore.
Elizabeth’s head lifts from my shoulder. “Julien? What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just like I know those two boys inside, I also know you. You’ve been quiet this entire week. Want to talk about it?”
This girl has been my heart since the day I met her.
Like my brother and Ryder, I love her. It’s a profound type of love.
One of deep friendship, of trusting that the other person holding your heart does so with care, that they will protect and cherish it.
The type of love that you trust your darkest secrets to.
Everyone thinks because Jay and I are twins, we have this unbreakable bond.
We do. My brother is everything to me. But there are some secrets rooted within my soul that I can’t tell him.
Secrets that scare me. I take Liz’s hand and link our fingers together.
“It’s complicated.”
She chuckles. “Um, have you seen my life recently?”
I release a dejected laugh. She’s right. This past week has been totally messed up. Five minutes go by as our gazes remain locked on the dark horizon illuminated by a half moon.
“I like Elijah,” I say out of nowhere.
“I heard you two have been hanging out with each other a lot lately. He’s a good guy.”
“No, Elizabeth. I like Elijah.”
Her head whips around. I wait. I can see every emotion flashing across her expressive face. I can also see when understanding hits her.
“Oh. Oh!”
I pick up some sand with my left hand and let it drift through my fingers, counting how long it takes for all the grains to fall, like an hourglass counting down time.
“Are you... does he... does he like you back?” she finally gets out. I shake my head no.
“He doesn’t know how I feel. It’s so stupid. I know he would never like me like that. It’s stupid. I’m stupid,” I groan.
“Julien, you are not stupid.”
“I am. Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I first realized I was, well, the way that I am, that day at Jay’s swim meet. Remember that day when he went up against Elijah and then we all met Elijah afterward when he came over to congratulate Jay?”
“Do you mean that time he asked for my number, but the three of you knuckleheads scared him away? Or later, when you all lectured me on why I wasn’t allowed to date anyone and treated me like I was a baby?” she accuses, kicking sand at my feet. “Oh, yeah, I remember that day.”
I wince. “Sorry, not our finest moment. I thought I’d bust a nut when Ry said you were too young. That was funny as hell.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
“I was actually jealous of you,” I tell her, feeling shame at having such a petty feeling.
“Jealous? Of me?” she asks, surprised. “Why?”
“I thought Elijah was the most handsome boy I had ever seen. But then he started talking to you, not me. It scared me a lot. How could I want you and him at the same time?”
Liz looks a little unsure on what to say. It takes her a minute before she continues.
“You wanted me?”
“You know I’ve always liked you, Liz, in more than a friendly way.”
She wiggles her toes, digging them into the cool sand. “You’re right. This is very confusing. I’m with Jayson now and you like Elijah. So, um, are you saying that you’re bi?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I guess it would make sense. I mean, you’re the only girl I’ve ever been truly interested in in that way. And, yeah, I like Elijah, too,” I admit as I create a picture in the sand with broken pieces of seashells.
“You know it’s okay to be confused, and it’s okay to have questions. Have you talked to Jayson about things?”
I shake my head. “No. No one knows. You’re the first person I’ve told.”
She’s shocked. I don’t think I’ve seen the type of shocked expression on Liz’s face before.
“I’m very honored then. Thank you, Julien.”
My breath releases in a torrent.
“Do you plan to tell Jayson? Your parents? I’ll be there with you, be there for you, no matter when or where or how. Whatever you need, I’ll do it. Just say the word.”
This girl is so special. She would walk through fire for me. I’m grateful to have her in my life. I’m grateful that she loves my brother, that she loves me and Ryder, too. Her capacity for love is overwhelming.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It’s been hard enough trying to figure out what’s in my head. I’ve always felt different in some way.”
“You’re not different, Julien. Don’t ever think that.
You’re strong and kind and honest. You put others before yourself.
You are one of the most wonderful people I know, and I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my life.
We will support you no matter what. No one will abandon you.
Being gay or bi doesn’t change who you are. You must know that, right?”
“I know things are better today than they used to be, Liz. But there’s still a lot of hate and prejudice that exists. I don’t know if I’m ready to face all of that. Especially when we go back to school.”
“Those small-minded people can go "eff" themselves,” she says vehemently.
I’m not used to hearing the f-word come out of Liz’s mouth.
“Anyone wants to mess with you, they will have to get through me first. I mean it, Julien. No matter what, you need me, and I’m there.”
“I love you, Liz.”
“And I love you, too.” The hug she gives me is warm and welcoming.
I gradually get up from where we sit, wiping sand off the backs of my legs. “Let’s head on in and make sure Jay and Ry haven’t killed each other yet.”