Chapter 16
It doesn’t escape my notice that Elizabeth has been distracted tonight ever since she saw Ryder and Maria together. Maria has always been odd, but tonight she and Ry appeared to be hitting it off. I’m happy for him, really. He’s a great guy and deserves to be with a great girl. Just not my girl.
For the past year, Ry and I have slowly put our friendship back together.
It almost feels like old times, and I’m glad to have my friend back.
Doesn’t mean that I’m going to let my guard down when it comes to him and Liz.
I know he still loves her. I see the look he gets on his face when he watches her.
Perhaps I can help push his attention elsewhere, and Maria seems as good as any person for me to use to start that push.
When Ry and Maria catch up to us, Elizabeth pulls her aside as Fallon walks over to greet Ryder.
“What was that all about?” Elizabeth asks Maria.
I take that opportunity to go get us something to drink, but I can still hear them talking as I stroll over to a cooler sitting in the dirt.
“What was what all about?”
“You and Ryder,” Liz says.
“What about me and Ryder?”
I spot Julien heading toward Ry and Fallon. By the time I get back to Liz, whatever conversation she and Maria were having has ended. I hand Liz and Hailey a water and Maria a beer.
“I would stay away from that one,” I warn Ry. Jacinda’s been closely watching Ryder, even though she’s apparently with Fallon tonight.
“Not interested, so doesn’t matter.
My jaw clenches when I see him looking at Elizabeth, but I keep my mouth shut.
“Well, Jacinda definitely is interested. Ry, you should—”
Liz and the girls join us, stopping me from finishing my sentence, and I see Liz frowning once again as she watches Jacinda.
My mood suddenly sours. I gulp down my first beer, hoping it will help ease the ache in my chest, then decide it isn’t enough and start guzzling my second.
Some of my old fears decide to rear their ugly heads.
The only way I’m going to get through tonight is to get hammered.
When Maria shouts out, “I’m so going to get drunk tonight,” I tip my bottle back in absolute agreement.
By the time Ryder and I are standing watching the girls dance around the bonfire, I’ve got a very nice buzz going.
It mellows me out enough so that I don’t get too upset as I continuously side-eye Ryder next to me because he can’t stop looking at Liz.
Jealousy is a dangerous thing. I swore to Liz I would move heaven and earth to make sure our unit of four stayed intact.
I know how much her friendship with Ryder means to her, how much it means to me too, and I love my girl, so I will not do anything ever again to hurt her like Ry and I did last year.
That doesn’t mean I can’t show him who she belongs to now.
“My girlfriend is so sexy,” I groan. Time to push. “You should hit up Maria.”
“Not interested.”
“You guys appeared quite cozy earlier.”
“She’s just a friend.” This isn’t going anywhere. Whatever. I have better things to do and stumble away to get my hands on my sexy girlfriend.
I grab her and turn her in my arms, smashing my lips down on hers.
I can’t imagine I’ll ever get tired of how her lips feel against mine.
Liz startles before she realizes it’s me.
I lift her up and she wraps those long, toned legs around my waist, her skin glistening with sweat from dancing around the bonfire.
“You are so beautiful,” I tell her and walk off with her wrapped around me to find a more secluded spot. I weave a little and wonder if I’m more drunk than I thought.
Liz is lost in our kiss and doesn’t notice that we’ve left the bonfire until I press her back against the side of a tree.
“What are you doing, Jayson?”
“Making out with my girlfriend,” I respond.
“Jayson, not here,” she says, but my tipsy brain disagrees.
Liz and I decided a while ago not to rush into having sex.
Do I want to? Yes. Every minute of every hour of every day.
I love this girl so much. But I know she’s not ready to take that next big step yet.
However, like I said a second ago, my drunk brain doesn’t care.
My insecurities are high tonight as old fears about her and Ryder resurface.
“Jayson, stop.”
I don’t listen. I pull at her shirt. She doesn’t shove me away or yell at me.
I deserve it though, shame sneaking its way into my inebriated mind for how I’m behaving.
She gently touches my face with her hands and lifts it up until our eyes meet.
She kisses me once on the mouth and once on the forehead.
“Jayson,” she speaks to me soothingly, “we’re in the middle of the woods and you’re drunk.”
I try to focus on what she’s telling me, but there are two of her. The four beers I practically inhaled in minutes are showing their effects. The only thing I can do is nod and drop my head on her shoulder. God, she smells good.
She turns me around, taking most of my weight on her delicate shoulders. “Let’s go find Julien.”
Elizabeth drags my dropping body away from the tree and back toward the bonfire.
I’m starting to feel sick to my stomach, beer sloshing around in my guts.
I should have eaten before we came out here tonight.
As we pass the side of the warehouse, Elizabeth suddenly halts in her tracks.
The sudden movement makes my stomach heave.
I raise my head and see two forms standing against next to the warehouse.
“Ryder?” Liz gasps.
And then I throw up.
Jayson is carrying Elizabeth off, and my stomach plummets.
I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on in his mind after seeing him grab her and lift her up.
Why can’t I move on from her? Why am I still so obsessed with Elizabeth?
I sit by and pine away, wanting her to notice how I continue to hold my heart out to her in my hands, pleading for her to take it.
She’s still my best friend. She still loves me, I assure myself, so shouldn’t that be enough?
To have her in my life even though I can’t have her in my arms?
Thoughts of what she and Jayson are probably doing right now cut me like a thousand daggers, shredding me.
Have they had sex yet? Are they having sex now?
A movement beside me catches my eye. Jacinda slides in next to me, holding out a bottle.
“Hey,” she says. I chug the rest of Jayson’s beer and take the one she’s offering.
“Hey,” I say back.
“You’re not here with anyone tonight, and I’m not with Fallon.” She moves closer to me and smiles. “Want to get out of here?”
Do I, I wonder? Part of me is desperate to move on, to try and find a semblance of happiness with someone else even if it's not with Elizabeth. She’s with Jayson.
She’s happy. Me? I want one minute not to live in my pathetic self-imposed seclusion.
I want to feel something, anything, other than the loneliness that I feel.
“Yeah,” I say, taking Jacinda’s hand and pulling her toward the warehouse.
Jacinda wraps her arm around mine and giggles.
I don’t want to hear her voice right now.
It’s not the voice I crave. I just want to forget.
I know I’m being a jerk. I’m about to use a girl, who I couldn’t care less about, just so I can escape my need for the girl who has always owned my heart.
I justify what I’m about to do by telling myself that Jacinda was the one to approach me and make the first move.
I pull Jacinda around the side of the warehouse, out of sight from the bonfire where darkness can shroud us.
She reaches around my neck so she can raise up on her toes to kiss me.
I close my eyes and imagine a different scene playing out, a different girl.
I imagine it's Elizabeth who is kissing me.
Getting disgusted with myself, I’m about to pull away from her when my worst nightmare happens.
A sound of a gasp. A voice I would know anywhere because it haunts my dreams.
“Ryder?”
Jacinda turns around and glares at Elizabeth.
She curls herself around my waist, sending Elizabeth a smug grin.
A strained silence filled with regret and remorse hangs over us as the crickets chirp and the voices of partiers drift over from the bonfire.
Before I can say a word or rush over to Elizabeth and beg her to forgive me, Jayson vomits all over her shoes.