Chapter 18
A noise keeps dinging near my ear, pulling me out of an exhausted sleep.
At first, I dreamily wonder if it’s my alarm for school, but then remember that it’s Saturday.
I flip over and snuggle back down in my pillow.
The dinging doesn’t stop. My fuzzy brain finally engages, and I realize that it’s my phone making all the noise.
I decide I’m going to kill whoever keeps texting me at—I squint to focus on my bedside digital clock—eight in the morning on a weekend.
I stretch my arm to reach for my phone and groan.
Why am I so sore? My arm stills when it hits me.
It really happened. Jayson and I really happened.
This time when I groan, it’s not from discomfort but from remembering every touch and kiss Jayson gave to me.
I collapse back against my pillows and relive every moment of last night.
I hear the bathroom door click, and Hailey peeks her head through.
“Thought I heard you moving around.” She swings the door fully open, and I pull the covers back for her to join me.
She barrels over to the bed and plops down next to me.
After we settle, cocooning ourselves under my down comforter, she rests her hands under her face and looks at me.
“So?” Hailey grins widely at me. I know what she wants, but I don’t know if I’m ready to tell her about last night.
I decide to buy myself some time by deflecting. “How was your Valentine’s evening?”
Hailey gives me a knowing look, but plays along. “Brea and I just hung out and watched cheesy Hallmark movies. We also tried out your new swing. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not.”
My phone dings again, but I continue to ignore it.
“Are you really going to make me pull it out of you?”
“Pull what out of me?” I ask innocently.
“Fine, have it your way. I heard you and Jayson come in here at six this morning. Mind telling me what my big sister was doing and why she was out all night?”
I cringe. Were we that loud coming in? Did Mom and Dad hear us too?
“Dinner at Ana?s was fabulous.”
“Not what I’m talking about, and you know it. Dinner doesn’t take twelve hours.” Hailey tickles my side, and we wrestle on the bed, her fingers attacking my rib cage and under my knees where she knows I’m most vulnerable.
“Okay! Alright! Uncle! Uncle!” I capitulate.
“Spill the beans or I go for your feet next.” When I hesitate to answer, she lunges to grab my legs and I yelp
“After dinner, Jayson took me to our old fort.” She stops her attack but continues to waggle her fingers over my feet as she waits.
“And?” she prods, inching her hands closer.
“And it was everything,” I exhale, eyes closing as I picture Jayson’s face hovering above me, his eyes boring into mine as he slid into me for the first time.
Hailey collapses on top of me with a fierce hug. “I knew it! Oh, Lizzie. Oh, I’m gonna cry.”
A bit bewildered, I push her off. “Why are you going to cry?”
“Happy tears. I’m so happy for you. Are you okay? You did use protection, right? How do you feel?”
For some unknown reason, I remember the words my mom said to me when I was little about crying "love" tears. I get it now.
“I feel good,” I falter trying to find the right words. “Changed. Different. Loved,” I breathe out the last word.
“That’s all I need to know. I don’t need any details. I just wanted to make sure you were happy about it.”
“I am. I promise.”
“Mom said breakfast is soon. They don’t know you stayed out all night. I covered for you.” She grins, letting me know I owe her one.
“Thanks, Hales. Tell her I’ll be right down after I take a quick shower.”
“I think that would be wise. You smell like Jayson’s cologne.”
I toss my pillow at her as she exits through my bedroom door.
Opening my phone, I see I have several texts from Jayson, Maria, and Julien.
I look at Julien’s first. He sent me a picture of him and Elijah at their dinner in Fayetteville.
Julien has his arm behind Elijah, and Elijah is leaning into his side.
They look so happy together. I hope they had a good time last night and didn’t run into any problems.
Me: Love the pic you sent. How did it go?
While I wait for Julien to respond, I read Jayson’s texts
Jayson: Wanted to be the first to tell you good morning and that I love you, princess.
Jayson: Thank u for giving me the best gift last night. I will protect and cherish our first time forever.
Jayson: I’ll drop by later. Check your windowsill.
Jayson: Many more next times to come.
I look over and see an origami star on my windowsill and get up to grab it just as Julien texts me back.
Julien: We had a great time. All was smooth and quiet. I stayed at Elijah’s after.
Me: Keeping me in suspense?
Julien: No. Just don’t want to ruin anything that’s building between me and E. But what did happen was nice. Very nice. Not one to kiss and tell
Me: So happy for you both. Really. Give E a huge kiss from me. I love you Julien.
Julien: Love you too Liz.
He sends me another picture, this one of him and Elijah right now at a table drinking coffee
Julien: Don’t forget to delete our convo.
Me: On it. xxxooo
I delete our entire chat and the two pictures Julien sent me.
Since Jayson and Hailey know the password to my phone, Julien asked me to start erasing any text or picture that included him and Elijah.
I wish he would talk to his brother, especially since things seem to be getting more serious with Elijah.
I remind myself that it’s Julien’s story to tell when he’s ready to tell it.
I should read Maria’s texts next, but can’t seem to do it.
I’m not ready to hear about her date with Ryder last night.
What if she and Ryder took things to the next level like Jayson and I did?
God, I am such a hypocrite. I should be existing in the happy elation of having sex with my boyfriend for the first time—a boyfriend who I love—and not being jealous about the possibility my best ‘girl’ friend may or may not have had sex with my other best friend who I am also in love with. It’s so screwed up.
I sit down on my bedroom floor to open the paper star Jayson left for me. Inside is a quote: "You weren’t just a star to me, you were my whole damn sky." I press the paper against my chest. Once I feel more settled, I read Maria’s texts.
Maria: Yo, girlie! U better text me as soon as U get up. Waiting for some juicy gossip.
Maria: Guess ur not up yet. Late nite perhaps?
Maria: It’s past 8! U never sleep past 7. Text me asap! On pins and needles about ur date.
Me: Just woke up.
Maria: There u r!
Me: Didn’t get home til late. How bout u?
Maria: Normal time.
Normal time? I bite my lip and ask myself: Do I really want to know? Yes, I do.
Me: Normal time? No sleep overs?
Maria: Nope. Ry took me to dinner and brought me home after.
Maria: I did try to attack him in the car. He looked so f’ing hot last night.
Me: And?
Maria: Said he wanted to go slow. Wasn’t ready for that yet.
Relief pours through me.
Maria: Did my best girlie get lucky last nite?
Me: U r so crass
And this is where I lie to my best friend, something I have never done before. I’m not ashamed of what Jayson and I did last night, quite the contrary. I do not, however, want even a hint of it to get back to Ryder. So I lie.
Me: Nope. Nothing major to tell. Jayson was very romantic. Lit our tree up with lights and hung paper stars with love notes in them. Made me a tree swing. Dinner was nice. Then came home and we went to forest fort and talked all nite.
Maria: Awwww. I’m jealous. U guys are so freakin cute.
Me: Jayson coming in a bit. Need to get ready.
Maria: OK, chica. Talk 2nite. Ryder said he had to help his dad today so I’m going back to bed.
Me: Hugs. Sweet dreams.
The need to go pound out some of my wayward mixed-up emotions overcomes me. I head to the shower and decide that afterward, I’ll go release some of my nervous energy by wailing on my drums. Maybe Dad will join me.
Dad had to run into town but said we could jam later if I was still at the house.
I grab the toast Mom left out for me and head to the music room.
I take a seat behind dad’s Yamaha drum set he uses to practice with and twirl my sticks between my fingers while deciding on what to play.
Scrolling through my phone, I select “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters and press play.
My phone is connected to a surround sound speaker unit Dad installed for the room.
I love cranking up music and playing along on the drums to whatever song is streaming.
As soon as the song starts and I hear the first beat at the beginning of the song, I quickly join in and lose myself in the tribal pounding of the drums. My arms and legs work in synchronicity, and I can feel sweat already trickling down the hollow of my back from exertion.
I’m so connected and lost in what I’m doing, I almost lose the rhythm when an electric guitar joins in, startling me.
I’m even more taken aback to see Ryder in front of me, arms pumping down on the guitar strings, playing the melody.
We grin at each other like fools, never once breaking eye contact as we play.
Ryder ends the song with one last guitar riff as the music fades.
“I haven’t heard you play guitar in a long time. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.”
My dad used to give Ryder guitar lessons as well. It’s why we’re so comfortable playing and singing around each other.
“You look so hot playing guitar.” I fan my face pretending to swoon.
“And you’re one sexy drummer. Want to do one more?”
“Absolutely. Your pick. Fast or slow?”
Ryder scratches the side of his jaw with the guitar pick in contemplation. “Another fast one. How about some Fall Out Boy? ‘Sugar, We’re Going Down?’”