Chapter 5
Losing Her All Over Again
Julien is cursing me as we walk out to the front yard. “Could you not tell how badly you were scaring her? She’s been through enough. She doesn’t remember us. Things are clearly a big effed-up mess, and you aren’t making things easier for anyone, especially her.”
Funny that I don't process anything he's saying because I haven’t really been paying much attention to him. All I can think about is how Liz wouldn’t let me hold her. My fists clench. She’s mine. Not his. Not Ryder’s. Mine. But she doesn’t remember.
I decide that ten seconds away from her is nine seconds too long and I turn around to stomp back up the porch steps.
“Hold on, Jay. We need to talk first.”
“No. I need to get back to Liz.”
“Jay, stop.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand.”
I deserve to suffer, I want to tell him.
Suffer for what I said to Liz that night.
“The last words I said to her were ‘get out.’ I kicked her out of our house. And for what? For protecting you. For standing by you when you needed someone. For being your friend. What happened to her is on me. It’s my fault, Julien.
She needs to know how sorry I am. I will never love anyone else the way I love her.
She’s my everything. And I almost got her killed.
I'm the reason she was out that night driving.” I sink down to sit on the top step. “What happened to Liz is all my fault.”
“If we’re going to play the blame game, you have to submit my name as well.” Julien stands beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder. I grab it and hold tight as he continues. “I could have stopped her from driving off. I didn’t fight hard enough to get her to stay.”
I look at my twin. We are so alike, yet so different. I guess we all have our own demons we fight.
Julien reverses our grip and helps me to stand back up. “Come on. Let’s go spend time with our girl. She’s here. She’s alive. She’s a sight for sore eyes.”
Yes, she is. “She looks good, doesn’t she? But what’s with the hair?”
“I like it.”
I touch my chin where she hit me. “She clocked me good before you guys showed up.”
“That's what you get for scaring her half to death.”
“How do I get her back, Jules, if she doesn’t remember?”
“Honestly? I have no clue. I wouldn’t push her right now. We need answers as much as she does. It’s going to take time. We don’t know how severe her amnesia is or how much she does or doesn’t remember. Like I said. Time and patience. But at least she’s here.”
“…and then Daniel decided that it would be good for me to come back home to finish school and graduate. So here I am.”
Liz has been answering all of the questions we’ve asked her. We ordered pizza for delivery, but Liz explained that Daniel would be bringing pizza home for dinner tonight and she asked for a house salad instead. It didn't stop her from stealing a slice of pepperoni once it arrived.
“How long were you in the coma?” Julien asks her before rolling his pizza slice like a burrito and biting it in half.
Liz licks grease off her fingers. “A few days. They told me the swelling in my brain was what caused it.”
“Other than memory loss, was there anything else?” This from Ryder.
“Yes,” is all she says, not elaborating. She peels a slice of pepperoni from her pizza and pops it in her mouth.
“How bad is it? Your amnesia?” I ask.
“It’s basically like someone wiped my operating system clean and I was rebooted.
I don’t remember anything. Well, that’s not exactly true.
I remember things like math and science—school stuff.
I can play the guitar and the piano, but I can’t remember how I learned to play.
I remember songs and movies. It’s the people, places, and events from before that are missing. ”
“You must remember some things. Why else would you pick a Hellcat like mine for your car?”
She chews on her thumbnail while considering Ryder's question. “I guess you’re right. Everything’s just locked away so tightly.
The doctors are cautiously optimistic that things will come back to me, but they can’t make any guarantees.
I do have flashes of memories. Like tiny little puzzle pieces that I have to string together to make a picture, except there are a lot of missing pieces.
” Her gaze goes to Ryder. “I had some flashes of you today.”
Ryder chokes down his food. “You remembered me?”
“Yes.”
Is Liz blushing?
“What did you remember?”
“Umm. I can really only recall a little. Like us driving in a car...and other stuff,” she weakly says into her food before taking a bite. I don’t like how her gaze keeps flicking to Ryder. Jealousy hangs heavy over me like a thundercloud ready to burst.
Clearing his throat Ryder tells her, “I race my car in the Fields.
It's an old, unused field owned by Mr. Jacoby, a local farmer, that has been converted into a dirt racetrack. A bunch of us from our school and from Highland High go out there all the time on the weekends. You used to love to come and watch.”
Liz nods her head, her eyes brightening, then she switches course and asks Julien, “How long have you and Elijah been dating?”
“Almost a year. You were actually the first person I talked to about how I felt about him.”
“I was?”
“You were our biggest cheerleader. I’ll never be able to repay you for everything you did for me and E. You’re truly a great friend, Liz.”
For some reason, Fallon has been quiet the entire time. Now he decides to throw a grenade into the conversation. “It takes a special girl to have three guys completely and madly in love with her.”
The water Liz just drank sprays out of her mouth before she can catch it with her hand. “I’m sorry. What?” She grabs her napkin to wipe the table and spears me with a confused look. “I thought you said I was your girlfriend?”
“You are.” No one misses my choice of verb tense.
“Then what did he mean?”
"I'm sitting right here, kitten."
Liz narrows her green eyes at Fallon. He smiles broadly at her in return.
“First of all, stop calling me kitten.”
He laughs at that and shakes his head, taking a stick of gum out of his pocket and popping it in his mouth. He holds the wrapper up, then crumples it between his fingers.
“I used to smoke. I quit. Gum seems to help keep the cravings down.”
“Good for you. It’s better for your health,” she replies.
“Possibly. You look good,” he tells her.
Ryder and I tense at his comment. I've always thought Fallon liked Liz a little too much for my comfort. He was always messing with her whenever they were in the same space. I've never quite understood Ryder's friendship with him.
“Thank you,” she replies, all polite. His grin deepens.
“You're welcome, Elizabeth.”
She sits back on propped arms. “Ah, so you can say my actual name.”
He laughs, seeming to enjoy their banter. I give up on figuring out what's going on.
“Seeing as you're here with them,” she points at me, Ryder, and Julien, “I take it you and I were friends too?”
“Not quite,” he replies.
“So, what were we then?”
“Hard to explain.”
“You really are a very difficult person to have a conversation with, Fallon.”
“But I'm a hell of a lot of fun,” he teases.
Liz rolls her eyes. “So, is anyone going to explain about the previous comment regarding three guys being in love with me?”
Fallon's smile is huge. “Ask them,” he tells her.
Her eyebrows raise when she sees our red-flushed faces. “Oh my God. My old life was like a crappy telenovela,” Liz mumbles. “Did we date too?” she asks Ryder.
“No!” I assert a little too loudly. “Just me.”
She hums, then looks at her phone. “Oh, crap. I didn’t realize how late it was. I need to call Daniel for a check-in. Be right back.”
I watch her grab her phone off the floor and walk down the hall. She looks phenomenal, pink-tipped hair and all. I can't seem to accept the fact that she's really here. I've missed her so much.
As she passes the sofa where Ryder's sitting, it looks for a second like she’s about to curl her pinky around his hand that's hanging off the back of the couch.
She hesitates, then pulls her hand back and disappears into a room at the end of the hallway.
While waiting, we sit in silence and eat; well, Ry, Jules, and I do.
Fallon is too busy looking at his phone.
Liz comes back after a few minutes. “Alright. That's taken care of. I think we should get back to school and try to at least salvage a couple of hours,” she says.
“Not me,” Fallon tells her. “I already graduated.”
“What were you doing at school this morning then?”
“Wouldn't you like to know?” he retorts. “What’s your number?” Fallon segues from one topic to another so quickly, it makes my head spin.
Holding her phone in her left hand, Liz plants her fists on her hips. “Why?”
“Why not?” he challenges her.
“Fine,” she replies with a huff and slaps her phone in his hand. “Just enter your contact information.”
“Can I get in on this as well?” Julien asks, taking out his phone.
“I don’t see why not,” she hesitantly replies.
After exchanging numbers with the guys, she cautiously approaches me. “Do you want my number too?”
I pause, realizing how awkward I’ve made things for her today. “Do you want to give it to me?”
“Do you think I should?”
“God, I’ve missed your sassy mouth.” Her mouth, her touch, her kisses, her laughter. I missed Liz so damn much.
Instead of taking her phone, I hand her mine. She opens up the contacts menu and starts typing, then gives it back. “There you go. My number is under Miss Sassy.” She smiles at me. A genuine, honest-to-goodness smile aimed right at me.
“Can I hug you now?” I ask her.
My request has her backing away from me a couple of steps, and it about kills me not to reach out and grab her to bring her back in. The physical distance between us may only be a couple of feet, but the emotional distance feels like thousands of miles.
“Alright,” she finally says, and I thank whatever higher power is up there.
Liz makes me come to her for the hug, but I don't care. My arms are finally able to wrap around her. My hands are finally able to touch her. I inhale her sweet jasmine scent. “I’ve missed you so much, princess. I’m so happy you’re back,” I whisper into her hair.
From the tension in her body, I can tell the hug is making her uncomfortable. When she starts to squirm, I reluctantly release her. It is enough. For now.
Julien asks Liz about meeting up for lunch this coming Saturday and she says yes.
“Want me to drive you back to school?” I ask her as we all walk out the front door and she locks up behind us.
“No thanks, Jay. I'll drive myself.”
“Jayson.”
She looks at me quizzically. “Pardon?”
“You always called me Jayson. Not Jay.”
“Oh, okay. Jayson.” Music to my ears.
“Ryder?” she calls out just as he, Julien, and Fallon are getting into his car. He grabs the top of the driver's side door and stands back up.
“Yeah?”
Liz circles around the open car door and hugs him. He looks unsure about what to do, his eyes glancing my way. Then he hugs her back.
“I'm not going to run anymore,” I hear her tell him, leaving me wondering what she meant by that.