Chapter 24
Never Leave Me
“What’s been going on with you lately?” my twin asks me. We’re sitting on towels watching Elijah, Ryder, and Liz pass a frisbee between one another as they run through the small breakers of the shoreline.
Liz seems more relaxed today. She’s smiling a lot and has been more talkative, even to Jay.
She’s acting more like the old Liz, and part of me is so happy to see it.
Then there’s the other part of me that really likes the new version of Liz.
The bolder, stronger, sassier version she calls New Liz.
The old Liz belonged to my brother. The new one, however…
“Been busy with soccer practice, as you well know. The team looks good this year,” I answer.
“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it,” Jayson replies.
The sun is lowering toward sunset in the west. Shades of red and deep orange glow across the horizon where the ocean meets the sky to the southeast. We’ve been out here for several hours.
Liz had all of us building sand animals on the beach and searching along the low-tide line for sharks’ teeth.
We had just finished swimming and jumping the waves when Elijah brought out the frisbee.
Jay and I were hungry, so we sat down to eat a couple of the sub sandwiches we bought before we picked Liz and Ryder up.
He was waiting with her at her house after spending the night at Fallon’s.
I hear Liz’s bold laughter as Elijah jumps up to try and catch the frisbee she sailed his way. It flies over his head and lands in the waves. My eyes track between the both of them, and I sigh hard.
“You’ll need to be more specific then,” I finally answer.
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you keep blowing off Elijah to spend time with Liz.”
“And you wouldn’t?” Jay would drop me in a heartbeat for Liz.
He ignores my comment and plows on. “Or the way you’re always touching her now. Holding her hand. Kissing the side of her head,” he emphasizes.
“Is that what this is about? You’re jealous that Liz spends more time with me than you?”
“Screw you, Jules.”
“No, screw you, Jayson,” I fling back. “You’re not the only one who missed her. She gets to decide who she wants to hang with now. It’s not up to you anymore. You don’t have control over her like you used to.”
I shut my mouth tight, regretting my words, but I can’t help how I feel. Jay looks like he wants to punch me, but his hurt comes through loud and clear.
“That’s what you think I did? Controlled her? Monopolized her time?”
It’s time to bring the tough love, I tell myself.
“In a way, yes, you did. You were so afraid of not being the one she chose that you pushed me and Ry out and basically erected a barbed-wire fence around her that said ‘Keep Away.’ She was my best friend too, Jay, and I hardly got to spend time with her because you always planted yourself in the middle. She couldn’t go anywhere without you tied to her side. ”
“She’s my girlfriend. I love her. Of course I would want to spend all my time with her.”
“Liz was your girlfriend. And you just proved my point.”
“Are you trying to be hurtful here, Jules? Have I ever complained about how much time you spend with Elijah?”
“Elijah has nothing to do with me spending time with Liz, who happens to be my best friend.”
“Was your best friend,” he throws back at me trying to use my words against me. I ignore the barb.
“We’re talking about you and Liz, Jay. It has nothing to do with me and Elijah,” I reiterate.
Jay throws his half-eaten sandwich back into the cooler. “Elijah does have something to do with this. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the hurt look he gets when you ignore him to spend time with Liz.”
The guilt I feel when he says that, coupled with the added guilt of that kiss with Liz weeks ago, has my words flying out carelessly, taking aim at my brother.
“Don’t you dare place that on me. You’ve been practically spitting nails at me and Ry because Liz wants to be around us more than she wants to be around you. You ever wonder why she has memories of Ry and not you? Something to think about,” I finish, standing up.
I expect Jay to fight back, hurl curse words at me, but he doesn’t.
I take several steps away from him, then I stop and turn around. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Jay’s face is red and blotchy as he bores his steely eyes into me. “One day, she’s going to remember.”
It’s his turn to stand up and walk away. He shoulder-bumps me hard when he passes by, and then runs over to catch the frisbee Ryder just flung towards Liz. He joins her and tosses the frisbee to Elijah.
Well, that could have gone better.
“Babe! Join us!” Elijah shouts over at me, waving his hand. Liz breaks from the group and jogs over to me.
“Hey you. What are you doing all by yourself over here?”
“Thinking.”
Her smiling face turns earnest when she notices the seriousness in mine. “Are you okay, Julien?”
“Yeah. Possibly.”
“Well, that’s a lot of vague nothing. Hold on,” she says and jogs back over to Ry, whispering something in his ear. He nods and tosses the frisbee to Jay who almost misses it because he’s scowling at me.
Liz returns to me and grabs my hand. “Come with me,” she says, and I follow like she is the shepherd, and I am one of her sheep. She leads me away from the guys.
“Okay, we’re far enough away now. Talk,” she says, her long flaxen braid blowing sideways in the wind.
“Just stuff with Jay. He said some things, I said some things back. We’ll get over it.”
“Can I help?”
This girl is like sunshine. I’ll never understand how someone’s heart can be so big and so full of love, but hers is.
“Jay can be difficult. Today is just one of his days to be difficult with me.”
Liz nods her head in agreement, and I laugh.
“What?” she asks, but her grin gives her away.
“He hasn’t made things easy for you, has he?”
She purses her lips. “He’s actually been doing much better lately.”
We continue ambling along, our matching footprints leaving a trail in the sand behind us. Every once in a while, Liz stops to bend over and pick up a shell.
“Liz, if I ask you a question, can you promise me not to freak out?”
She pockets the broken half of a sand dollar. “I think I can do that,” she replies honestly. I grip her hand tighter in mine.
“What if I told you that I wanted more?”
Liz slows down and turns to look at me. “I’m going to stop you right there, Julien.”
“Why?”
“Elijah and Ryder.”
I figured she would mention Elijah, but Ryder? “What about them?”
“You’re with Elijah.” She pauses to pull her braid off her shoulder but also to slow her words. “And I’m with Ryder.”
It takes me a moment to filter and process what she just said. The first thing I think is, not again. Is this going to be the second time she’s taken away from me by my brother? Because for all intents and purposes, Ry is my brother just as much as Jay is.
“You and Ryder?”
“Yes,” she answers, her face painted with worry.
“When?”
“Recently.”
I mull that over.
Liz tugs on my hand. “Julien, I need you to keep this a secret. Including from Elijah and Jayson.”
“But you kissed me.”
“Yes, I did. And I don’t regret it for a second.”
“Have you kissed Ry?” Her face turns the color scarlet and I have my answer.
“I trust you, Julien.”
“What if I told you I wanted a chance, Liz? You said you felt something for me—a pull. I want the same chance you’re giving Ry.”
“I don’t think I can do that, Julien.”
“How do you know what you really want if you can’t remember? We can continue spending time with each other and see what happens. We can test the pull.”
“I did make a choice, Julien. I chose Ryder. I’m falling in love with Ryder,” she says calmly yet bluntly.
My heart cracks. Tiny fissures open and the hope inside leaks out.
“You used to tell me you loved me too, once upon a time.”
Liz removes her hand from my grip and places it on my chest above my heart. “Julien. You’re in love with Elijah, and he loves you back just as much.”
The cracks in my heart open wider. “I do love Elijah. I love him very much. But I love you, too, Liz. Just like by brother, I’ve been in love with you since we were six years old.”
“You all have told me the stories about us growing up. But like I keep trying to get Jayson to understand, I’m not the same girl you used to know.
That Liz doesn’t exist anymore. Right now, in this time and this space, my heart belongs to Ryder, and your heart belongs to Elijah.
You’re so in love in with him, Julien. You’d regret it for the rest of your life if you hurt him.
So it makes me wonder where this coming from? ”
I feel like she’s slipping away from me again. “I can’t lose you again.”
She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how much it hurt when she was gone. How much I missed her. How scared I was when we didn’t know what happened to her. I’m scared she’ll disappear again, and I’ll lose my best friend forever this time.
“You’ve got me, Julien. I’m not going anywhere.”
I grab her in my arms and hold her, part of me not trusting that truth. “But you did leave. You were gone for three months, Liz, and when you came back, you didn't remember any of us. You didn't remember me. You still don’t.”
“I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, Julien.”
Ah, I get it now. Julien is scared, and that fear is causing him to say foolish things he doesn’t mean.
I can’t comprehend what Julien is feeling right now. I never considered that any of them felt the way he does—how much my accident and amnesia affect them, just as much as it affects me. And it breaks my heart.
“Julien, regardless of my amnesia, you have shown me every day for the past month how much I mean to you. I think it’s that love—our friendship—that really saved me.
How could I fight so hard to come back, to want to live, if it wasn’t for me to come back to you, Ryder, and Jayson?
This is where I belong. The three of you are who I belong with. ”
“But I love you, Liz,” he says again.