Prologue
Last night, I remembered everything. Last night, I lost everything, too. Well, that is what it feels like to me.
My name is Elizabeth Penelope Fairchild.
I grew up with three boys: Jayson and Julien Jameson, the brown-haired, silver-eyed twins who would crawl through my window at night; and Ryder Cutton, the dark-haired, amber-eyed daredevil with a heart of gold.
We had been best friends since elementary school.
That is, until we were more. I loved all three of them, but I fell in love with two of them.
Jayson was my first boyfriend. But even when I was with Jayson, my young, conflicted heart was drawn to Ryder.
I know that must sound awful and selfish.
Jayson was all my firsts, but then Ryder was too.
Confusing? Perhaps. But, for me, it’s my truth.
See, there was my life before the car accident, and then there was my new life after.
Jayson was before; Ryder was after. Want another truth?
Even when I was in love with Jayson, I was also in love with Ryder.
I had two best friends who owned my heart.
No, that’s not entirely correct. Julien also owned a piece of my heart, but he’s in love with Elijah. God, this is so confusing!
And last night, I messed everything up. No. ‘Messed up’ isn’t a strong enough term to describe the colossal mistake I made.
Let me explain.
Six months ago, I was in a car accident where I lost not only my parents but also a part of myself.
After smashing my head through the driver’s side window, I was in a coma for a couple of days.
Then I woke up. In a hospital bed. With no memory.
I woke up as a brand-new person. A girl with no recollection of the first seventeen years of her life.
The doctors said I had a rare type of retrograde, dissociative amnesia.
Statistically, I’m a member of the unlucky two percent of the worldwide population that has had this type of amnesia.
What was it I said on the first day of school when I was standing in the parking lot looking at a building I didn’t recognize and at people I didn’t remember? Yay, me.
While I was in the hospital, my uncle, Daniel—my dad’s brother—took emergency guardianship over me.
About two and half months ago, Daniel brought me back home to Fallen Brook so that I could finish my senior year at my old school.
That’s where I came face to face with Ryder, Jayson, and Julien; the boys who were my childhood best friends.
The boys I grew up with. The boys I fell in love with.
The boys I had no memories of. I soon learned how desperate they had been to find out what had happened to me after the car accident.
One day I was here with them, then the next day I was gone.
Ryder was the first to find me in the hallways of Fallen Brook High.
Actually, if we’re going to get all technical about it, I ran into Trevor first in the student parking lot.
Sorry, I don’t mean to digress. My story is convoluted enough as it is.
It’s funny how life plays out sometimes.
I think the ancient Greeks had it right with their belief that the Fates control everyone’s destinies.
Those fickle Fates. They’ve been pulling the strings of my life and tying them into twisted knots.
So there I was, standing in the hallway of my old high school, beginning my senior year in a place I had no memory of, when Ryder called my name.
I’m positive the Fates had made sure that Ryder finding me first was no accident.
It wasn’t long after that first encounter with Ryder that Jayson and Julien came barging back into my life—and I mean that in the most literal sense.
Oh, and then there’s Fallon. He’s a friend of Ryder’s who graduated from our rival school, Highland High, in May.
I still haven’t figured him out yet, but needless to say, he and I recently became friends.
I think. Old me was a bit scared of him.
New me wasn’t. Again, I digress. Sorry about that.
Anyway, the boys and I have spent the last two and half months getting to know one another again, becoming friends again, existing in the new normal of New Elizabeth, the girl with no memory.
Things are hard for Jayson because he’s struggling with the fact that I am no longer the girlfriend he once knew.
Julien feels guilty because he thinks he failed me on the night of my car accident.
He thinks he should have been able to stop me from driving off when Jayson kicked me out of their house.
Another convoluted story that I won’t get into now.
The most shocking thing to happen is that Fallon and I became friends, something that seemed to weird everyone out.
And alas, there’s Ryder. New Elizabeth fell deeply in love with Ryder.
But then again, she had always loved him, right?
It’s all a bunch of crazy, I know. I’m the girl living it.
Then last night happened. My memories came back. The one thing I was afraid of happening, did. You would think that regaining my memories—remembering Old Elizabeth, my family, the people, places, and events of my life—would be a good thing.
Nope.
It is the worst thing that could have happened to me.
I remember everything now. The car accident.
How my mom and dad died. My sister, Hailey, running away.
And, of course, the reemergence of Old Elizabeth.
My former self. The one whose memories now jostle around in my brain like Yahtzee dice.
And she’s not happy. She wants things to go back to the way they were before the car accident, and she’s not afraid the step in and take control to get what she wants.
I must be losing my mind. Talking about myself as two different people is not a normal thing to do.
Old Elizabeth and New Elizabeth. But that’s how it feels in my fractured brain right now.
New me doesn’t want to be Old Elizabeth.
I despise Old Elizabeth. In their hopes of bringing my memories back, the boys continuously told me stories of our life growing up together.
The more I heard about Old Elizabeth, the more I saw was that she was a selfish, weak girl who let others make her choices for her.
And I don’t want to be her ever again. I want to remain New Elizabeth.
New Elizabeth is strong and capable. She would never say she loved one boy while pining for another.
New Elizabeth tells it like it is and stands her ground.
New Elizabeth has given all her love and her whole heart to Ryder Cutton.
She has a good group of friends that includes not only the boys, but Meredith, Trevor, Celeste, Beth, Keith, Davis, and Darrel.
She enjoys new things and delights in new experiences.
I’m pretty sure the Fates are looking down at me and laughing their butts off.
They are probably in hysterics as I drown in the misery of my greatest mistake.
The mistake I made last night when my memories returned.
When Old Elizabeth ran to Jayson. When she…
I mean, I slept with Jayson. But I didn’t do those things!
Old Elizabeth did. These stupid memories!
New Elizabeth is so in love with Ryder, but Old Elizabeth’s memories came back, and those memories are also filled with her love for Jayson.
I woke up in a strange bed a little while ago.
To say that I was confused and shocked was a gross understatement.
I hated myself for what I had done. If I could have unzipped my skin and crawled out of it, I would have.
Instead, I slipped out of Jayson’s bed and searched for my clothes.
I couldn’t find them. What I did find, however, was my phone and wallet on the floor next to Jayson’s bed.
I quickly retrieved them and quietly opened a couple of Jayson’s drawers.
Finding a T-shirt and some sweatpants, I hastily put them on.
When I unlocked and opened his bedroom door, Old Elizabeth screamed at me not to leave.
She wanted to wake up in Jayson’s arms and lose herself in his metallic-gray eyes.
With New Elizabeth finally back in control, I told her to eff-off.
The bedside clock next to Jayson’s bed read eleven, and seeing as it was dark outside, I knew it must have been eleven in the evening. Just a few scant hours had passed since Old Elizabeth banged on Jayson’s front door and doomed us both.
I slipped out of the room and tiptoed down the hallway.
Jayson and Julien shared a room, always had, but Julien’s bed was still empty.
The bedroom door was locked, so I assumed that Julien bunked out on the couch downstairs.
But the house was quiet like there was no one there.
Where were Freda and Mitch, their parents?
Where was everyone? I thanked the powers that be that I was alone as I did my ‘walk of shame’ down the stairs.
Once I reached the kitchen, I noticed some paper and a pen on the counter. I took them and wrote a note.
“Jayson, I’m so sorry. What we did should never have happened.
Please forgive me. – Elizabeth”
I folded the paper in half and wrote Jayson’s name on it, then I placed it on the counter island.
I wasn’t about to go back upstairs and leave the note in his room or on his bedside table for him to find.
I couldn’t risk the possibility of him waking up and stopping me from leaving.
Old Elizabeth would fight me hard if I tried.
The kitchen lights were already on, and as I turned to make my escape from the house, I caught my reflection in the shiny stainless-steel surface of the refrigerator. Jesus, I looked a mess. I scowled at my image
“I hate you,” I hissed at the reflection of Old Elizabeth staring back at me. Then I left.
So, here I am, currently standing in the Jameson’s driveway next to my car.
I don’t even remember driving it here. This is so messed up.
I don’t care that I’m barefoot or that my long hair looks like a knotted, tangled bird’s nest. I glance over at the house next door.
My old house. The house I grew up in with my sister, Hailey.
My eyes dart up to my bedroom window; its view partially blocked by the old oak tree.
A pang of sorrow hits me so deeply seeing that tree, my legs just about buckle.
It’s the tree of my childhood. The tree with the fairy lights and wooden swing.
The tree that holds so many special memories of me and Jayson. I have to get out here.
I pull on the driver’s door of my Hellcat to find it unlocked.
Patting the sides of my pants to make sure I have my car key, I curse, having temporarily forgotten that I’m wearing Jayson’s sweatpants.
Luckily, my brain is able to function enough for me to remember I left the red key fob in the glove box.
I never removed it after that night out at the Fields when Ryder taught me how to drift.
I look down at my phone, gripped tightly in my hand.
I open the settings to turn off the location sharing so Daniel and the boys can’t track me, but I find it’s already disabled.
When did I do that? I always keep the location sharing on when I’m out of the house.
I promised Daniel I would, and I’ve always kept that promise
Old Elizabeth must have turned it off before she got to Jayson’s.
I know it sounds completely insane, but it feels like there are two different people warring for dominance inside my brain.
The lit-up screen shows a bunch of missed texts and calls.
I can’t deal with them at the moment, so I power off my phone, get in my car, and drive.
After a half hour of seemingly aimless vehicular wandering, I find myself parked in front of a large mansion, its outside brightly illuminated by exterior lights.
There are also several lights on inside the home as well.
I don’t know why I’m here. What on earth am I thinking?
It’s because you’re not thinking, I tell myself, but I refuse to turn around and leave.
Once I get out of my car, I slowly walk up the steps of the grand house. The stone is cold beneath my bare feet, and I shiver. The late October nights are cool, and I’m definitely not dressed for the weather. I raise my hand and ring the doorbell, then I knock lightly on the dark oak door.
I can make out a couple of male voices through the solid wood of the massive double doors; one of the voices is laughing when the door opens.
A guy I don’t recognize looks at me and the smile he was wearing falters.
I know I look like crap. I’m wearing Jayson’s clothes which hang off my smaller body.
I must look like an unwashed lunatic to him.
“Can I help you?”
The door swings open wider and the person I came to see steps out. Relief pours through me
“Kitten?”
“I need your help, Fallon.”