Chapter 46
Me: Hey. You coming over tonight?
MyBoyfriend: Sorry. I can’t. Mom needs me to do something. Talk to you tomorrow?
I finally got around to changing his moniker.
Me: OK. Love you.
MyBoyfriend: I love you so damn much, Elizabeth.
I watch the three little dots bounce, but Ryder doesn’t text me anything more. He was distracted today and quiet during lunch period. As soon as school let out, he told me he had to get home. Something is up. I just don’t know what it is.
There’s a light tap, tap, tap on my bedroom door. Our secret knock.
“It’s unlocked, Hales.”
She slowly pushes the door open, poking her head in. “I’m not disturbing you and Ryder, am I?”
“Nope. He’s can’t come over tonight. What’s up?” I ask, waving her in.
Hailey closes the door and joins me on my bed. She picks up one of my pillows and presses her nose to it.
“Thank you for what you did today,” she eventually says.
I reach over to hold her hand, but pull back, not knowing if she wants to be touched right now. There is so much I don’t know about my sister anymore. I thought I knew her inside and out, but this past year has taught me otherwise.
“You never need to thank me for standing up for you. I will always be there for you.”
“I know,” she whispers into my pillow, then she puts it down. “I still can’t believe that Fallon’s dad actually came to the school and convinced Principal Stubbs not to suspend you. You and Fallon have gotten really close. It’s kind of weird.”
I pick up the pillow and bop her with it. “It is not. Fallon is good guy once you get past all that entitled attitude.”
“I would love to hear more about your trip.”
“You would?”
Hailey hasn’t asked about my trip until now. It felt like she was mad at me for being in Europe when she reappeared out of the blue.
“Yeah. I’m sorry if I’ve been acting like a bitch about things. It’s been hard being home and with everything being so different.”
“Trust me. I get it.”
With my memories back, I can compare how things used to be with the way they are now. Different is too small a word to use for how drastically things have changed in my life.
“How was therapy today?” I ask her.
“Hard. But good. Daniel said that you see Dr. Clairemont as well?”
I tuck my legs under me, getting more comfortable. “I do. She helped me sort through a lot when I had amnesia. I have a session with her next week.”
Hailey’s bottom lip starts to tremble as tears start pouring down her face. “I am so sorry, Lizzie. I am so sorry for all of it. I should have been here. I should have…I never got to say goodbye. I never…I just…”
She swipes furiously at the waterfall coming from her eyes. I feel like we’re on some sort of precipice, but it’s her decision whether she’s willing to cross it or not. She needs to decide if she trusts me enough to finally let me in.
“You needed me, and I wasn’t here,” she continues. “Daniel has offered to take me to Mom and Dad’s gravesites, but I’m too ashamed to go. I can’t face them after what I did. It’s all my fault. I did this to them. To you.”
“What are you talking about? It was a freak accident. The person whose fault it is, is the drunk driver’s.”
“I overheard Daniel talking on the phone the other day. Mom and Dad were out looking for me that night. It is my fault, Lizzie. I’m the reason they’re dead. You should hate me.”
Dear God. I can’t even fathom how Hailey must feel.
“I could never hate you, Hales. I love you to the depths of my soul. You’re my sister,” I tell her, needing her to hear me. “Nothing you could ever do would change that. I love you. What happened to Mom and Dad was not your fault. Do you hear me? Pete Masters is to blame. Not you.”
Hailey collapses into my lap, burying her face in my stomach, her arms wrapping around my middle. I bend over at the waist and envelop her as she cries.
“I miss them… so much. So much… it hurts.”
“Me too,” I choke out as my throat closes in, constricting my airway.
It’s several minutes before she calms, and once she does, I lie down beside her on the bed, so that we are face to face. I brush back her tear-dampened hair and comb my fingers through the tangles. We join hands and hold them tightly between us.
“His name is Bryant,” she begins, and my heart leaps in my chest and slams itself against my breastbone. I’m stunned that she finally told me his name.
“I first met him when me, Brea, and Katie went out for dinner one night. He was our waiter. God, Lizzie. I can’t even describe to you how handsome he is.
He has the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.
Jet black hair. Really tall. He said he was in college and waited tables as a way to make extra money.
He flirted with me and I liked it. I liked that this handsome, older guy thought I was special enough to flirt with.
We exchanged phone numbers. We started talking on the phone every night.
He didn’t care that I was sixteen, and I didn’t care that he was twenty, but because of the age difference, he said we had to keep our relationship a secret. ”
“Then what happened?” I tenderly prod.
“He told me he loved me. I slept with him. I would have done anything he asked as long as he didn’t leave me.
I wanted to feel the love and attention that you had from Jayson, Julien, and Ryder.
You’re so beautiful, Lizzie, and so talented, and so everything I’m not and never will be.
You have three guys who look at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world.
I wanted someone to look at me like that.
I wanted someone to love me the way Jayson loved you. The way Ryder loves you.”
“You will find that someday. You will meet a guy who will lay the world at your feet. He will love you with his entire being. You, Hailey, are so special and so gorgeous, inside and out. You are so gifted in your writing. I wish I could write like you. Your poetry is phenomenal. I’ve missed you reading to me. ”
“You have?” she asks timorously.
“I really have.”
“You really think they’re good?” she asks, a timid, small smile appearing through her tears.
“I really do.”
Hailey’s smile blossoms, and I smile in return before my gaze lands on her hip.
“When did he first…?” I touch her side in the place I remember seeing the bruises.
“About two months after we slept together. He was under so much stress in college. His parents put a lot of pressure on him. He just had a fight with his dad over the phone. He said it was my fault. I shouldn’t have been late meeting up with him that night.
He needed me, but I couldn’t sneak out because Mom and Dad were still up.
As soon as I heard Jayson come through your window, I knew it was safe to leave.
Bryant was furious that I was late. He had been waiting for me and I never showed up when I was supposed to. ”
“That didn’t give him a right to hurt you, Hailey. That didn’t give him a right to put his hands on you in anger.”
Hailey breathes out in one rough exhale. “I know that now.” She closes her eyes. “That’s not true. Dr. Clairemont says I have to be truthful with myself if I want to get better. The truth is, I feel like I deserve to be hurt. Like I need to be punished.
I touch the sleeve of her shirt. “May I see?”
Her wide hazel eyes widen and fill with shame. “You know?”
I nod my head on the pillow, the scratchy sound of the fabric on my skin is the only noise other than our breathing.
“You’re not ashamed of me?” Her voice hitches when she says that.
“Ashamed? No. Sad, yes. I just want you to be happy. Does doing it make you happy?”
The agony of waiting for her to answer kills me.
“No.
“Will you show me?” I ask.
My sister brings a trembling hand to the hem of her sleeve and starts to roll it up. Once it gets past her elbow, I see the cut marks. There are dozens. My gut churns with nausea as I look at each and every one of them.
Hailey stares at me as tears fill my eyes. I blink them back. Cupping a hand under her arm, I press my lips to the thin, raised, red lines. “You are beautiful, Hailey. Every part of you is absolutely beautiful.”
I pull down the neck of my shirt and show her some of my scars from the car accident. When my head slammed sideways into the driver’s side window, it shattered, scraping up my neck and upper chest.
Hailey touches the largest scar. “Does it still hurt?”
“No. They’re a part of me now, just like yours are a part of you. Our scars show that we are survivors, Hales. We are strong. We are fighters.
I straighten my collar and, with care, pull her sleeve back down.
“The next time you feel the need to do that,” I say, touching her arm, “come get me. I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. If I’m not home, phone me or video chat with me. I want to be there for you if you’ll let me.”
She nods her head a few times before she gets out an “Okay.”
I gather her into a hug and hold on tight. “Can I ask you another question?”
“Yeah,” she whispers.
“Want to come with me to see Mom and Dad sometime?” I can feel her shudder when I ask her. “I’ve been too afraid to go see them too. Maybe we can be strong together.”
“I’d really like that,” Hailey replies.
Bringing her with me, I pull the covers over both of us. “Stay?” I ask her.
“Okay,” she says again. “Wait.”
Hailey pushes the covers down and leaves the bedroom. She comes back seconds later, holding a notebook. “I want to read you something I wrote.”
The smile that breaks free across my face is one of pure joy. Hailey is going to read me one of her poems.
“Just like old times,” I say, opening my arms to her as she climbs back into bed with me.
“Just like old times,” she tells me.