Chapter 6
It’s almost midnight and I need to get some sleep, but sleep doesn’t like me right now and refuses to come.
My mind is whirling in a thousand different directions, thinking a million different things.
Ryder sees his oncology team tomorrow…well, I guess it’s officially tomorrow now.
Daniel announced at dinner that he had made us appointments, himself included, for donor compatibility testing.
It was the perfect opportunity for me to speak up about the pregnancy, but I kept my mouth shut, feeling guilty and chickening out.
I’ll go to the appointment and tell the doctor my situation.
Perhaps there’s another way I can help since I’m not allowed to be a donor now.
Currently, I’m making a to-do list of things for Ryder.
I guess you could call it a bucket list of sorts, but that name carries such a negative connotation for me.
Bucket lists are what people make of things they want to do before they die.
No. Just no. I’m not going to think like that.
My list is going to be called the YOLO list. You only live once, so have as much fun as possible.
Which may be hard for us to do as a group because I might have to murder Jayson soon if he doesn’t stop hovering over me.
When we got to the obstacle course gym today, any obstacle I wanted to do, Jayson would argue against. When I tried something like the rings or wing nuts, he stuck by my side like superglue, ready to catch me if I fell.
Why do guys always think being pregnant means we become fragile as glass and incapable of doing anything for ourselves?
I found a video online of a woman who was eight months pregnant and still doing six-feet laches from monkey bars.
Of course, I forwarded that video to Jayson.
He glowered at me the rest of the time we were there.
“Hey. I saw your light was on. Mind if I come in?”
I pat the bed for Hailey to join me, gathering the papers that I was writing on and placing them to the side to make room for her. She shuffles over to the bed but doesn’t sit.
“You couldn’t sleep either?” I ask her.
“You had said to come to you if I had the urge to cut.” She looks down at her feet with shame and humiliation, her fingers twisting into knots, her hands wringing in embarrassment and worry.
Oh. “Yes, I did. Come snuggle and we can talk.”
Hailey has been through so much. She became involved with a college guy over a year ago who started abusing her, and then he convinced her to run away with him.
She left with him the same night our parents died, and I was in the car accident.
Mom and Dad had been out looking for her when they were hit by a drunk driver.
Pete Masters. I was driving down the same road at the same time.
Or should I say the wrong place at the wrong time?
After he drunkenly plowed into their car, he careened into mine. Hailey didn’t know any of this.
She recently came home last month to an altered reality where everything she once knew no longer existed. Kind of like those months when I had no memory and started from scratch in a strange world that felt familiar yet alien to me at the same time.
Her way of dealing with pain was to self-harm, but with therapy and me and Daniel helping her in any way she needed, Hailey has begun to slowly heal.
I thought I’d lost my sister. When she came home, she was so different from the girl I grew up with.
But old Hailey is fighting her way back. It’s a laborious, painful process.
I remain silent as I hold her in my arms, stroking her hair in soothing comfort. “Want to talk about it?”
“Yeah.” That word is a huge one for her to say. To be willing to be open about her feelings instead of locking them deep inside like a festering wound. Until she feels she has no other outlet for her emotions other than with a razor blade.
“Thank you for coming to me,” I tell her. My sister is such a fighter. So courageous and strong.
We remain in our bubble of quiet for a few minutes, until eventually, Hailey says, “Is it wrong to miss him?”
I know she isn’t talking about Dad. She’s referring to him. Bryant. The guy who hurt her.
“No.”
“It should be.”
“You loved him. That’s a hard emotion to flick off like a light switch.”
“I’m so sorry about Ryder. I meant to tell you that the other day.”
My eyes cloud over with tears. “Thanks. Like you, he’s a fighter. He’ll beat this.”
Hailey traces a finger over the sheet of paper I was writing on. “Most days, I don’t feel like one. I didn’t fight back against Maria.”
I clench my teeth to stop me from spewing the vulgar curse words about my former best friend.
Maria, Jacinda, and Samantha had cornered Hailey in the school hallway a few weeks ago.
My friend, Meredith, came and got me. I rounded the corner just as Maria pushed Hailey against the wall.
Let’s just say that things got a bit crazy after that.
As in, me tackling Maria to the ground and beating the crap out of her.
Fallon and his father came to my rescue once again, somehow convincing Principal Stubbs not to suspend me for fighting.
Maria didn’t fare as well with her punishment.
She got a week’s suspension and a month’s worth of after-school detention.
Was it fair that I got off scot-free for fighting when she didn’t?
Probably not. But honestly, I don’t care.
Maria had it coming and then some. She and her two cheer-bitch cohorts have avoided me and Hailey ever since.
They know I’ll strike back now and have Fallon and his dad in my corner to pick up the messy pieces.
I tell Hailey, “When you can’t fight for yourself, I’ll be there to fight for you. That’s what sisters do. I love you, Hales.”
“I love you, too.” Lifting the piece of paper, she asks, “I thought you were writing music when I came in.”
I recently started composing again and playing more.
Dad was in a band and taught me how to play the guitar starting at age four.
I can also play the piano and the drums. Our old house, the one we grew up in, had a music room.
It was a back room in the house Dad converted and soundproofed.
I would sit in that room for hours touching and attempting to play the various musical instruments he had in there.
“Uh, no. It’s a YOLO list.”
“A what?”
“A list of things I want to do with Ryder,” I explain.
She starts laughing. “Bungee jumping? Really?”
“I was trying to think of things that would appeal to him. Ryder is an adrenaline junkie,” I remind her, and then laugh with her as she continues down my list, finding more and more crazy stuff I put on there.
“I like the swimming with dolphins one.”
“You know me. Anything beach and I’m so there.” I love the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The coast is only a couple hours’ drive from Fallen Brook, so we go often.
Hailey’s laughter dies down. “I was thinking of going to see Mom and Dad this weekend, but I know you have a lot of stuff going on.”
I promised Hailey we would go together. Since Daniel moved me back to Fallen Brook in August, I haven’t been able to make myself go visit their graves. I almost did earlier this morning, wanting desperately to talk to them. Hoping for some guidance. Needing to feel close to them.
I reach for Hailey’s hand. “I will never be too busy for that.”
“You sure?”
“Positive. Now, let’s see if we can get some sleep.”
It’s already past one in the morning and I plan to wake up before five to meet with Julien for our usual morning run. I know I’m going to be a zombie all day with only three hours of sleep. Hopefully, I can sneak out to my car during lunch period for a quick nap.
“Would you mind if I slept in here with you?” Hailey asks.
In answer, I push the bed covers down and wrap us both up under the soft, goose-down comforter. Our hands clasp together between us as we face each other on our pillows, sleep following us soon after.