Chapter 9
My lungs are burning almost as badly as my legs and arms by the time I touch the side of the pool.
Practice was over an hour ago, but I stayed instead of going out to sit on the bleachers like I normally would do to wait while Jules finished up with soccer practice.
Swimming calms and relaxes me. The almost silent splash of the water as I propel my body through it is soothing.
Taking a deep breath, I sink under the water until I’m sitting cross-legged on the bottom of the pool.
Even though I’m wearing goggles, I close my eyes and shut everything out.
It’s my form of underwater meditation. I had Liz time me once, wanting to know how long I could hold my breath.
I can usually last about two minutes at most. Free divers, people who swim to deep depths without the aid of a breathing apparatus, can go for nine to eleven minutes before coming up for air.
“You ready to go home?” Julien asks as soon as I surface.
Hefting myself out of the water, I take the towel he offers me and wrap it around my shoulders, then pull off my goggles and swim cap. “Let me change and grab my stuff. I can shower when we get home. How was practice?”
As we walk to the guys’ locker room, he tells me about some awesome pass Nate, the co-captain for his team, did.
Jules is the other co-captain for our school’s soccer team.
He’s already been offered an athletics’ scholarship to Carolina University, our dream college, to play soccer there.
I’m hoping to get one for swimming. I haven’t told my family or Liz, but I’ve already been offered scholarships from Duke, Virginia Tech, and Florida State.
However, CU is where I want to go, so I’m going to hold out hope until the very last second before making a final decision.
If Liz’s baby is mine, the decision will be made for me, because I will go wherever she does.
Christ, who the hell am I kidding? I would do that regardless of whether she was pregnant or not.
Jules sits on the bench while I quickly change and take my bag out of the locker. I sit beside him and put on my shoes, but as I bend over to tie the laces, I stop.
“Jules, did Liz say anything else about the baby this morning when you guys were talking?”
He bites the side of his cheek, contemplating how to answer. “If she did, I wouldn’t tell you. Liz never betrayed the secret I asked her to keep about me and Elijah, and I won’t ever betray her. Not even for you.”
I give him a sharp nod and finish up my laces.
Julien touches my back. “Hey. Talk to me. Let me help if I can.”
My brother has always been the white hat of our group, the peacekeeper and fixer. I’m the hot-headed one who leaps before he looks, and Ryder is the adrenaline junkie with the kind heart. Liz is the sun we all orbit around, the strong gravitational force that glues our tight group together.
I rest my elbows on my knees and look at my brother. We are so much alike in many ways, but also so very different. However, one thing we both can agree on one hundred percent is our love for Liz.
“I don’t know if you can,” I tell him. “I feel like I’m about to fly into a million pieces. That life has become this juggling act, and I’m trying not to drop the pins that keep getting tossed my way.”
“Then pass some of those pins to me and we can juggle them together,” he says.
A snort of laughter escapes at my stupid analogy and his response to it. I bump his shoulder. We sit in silence for a beat before I continue.
“I’m feeling so many things right now, Jules, I don’t know how to unpack them and process each one. It’s like having a dormant volcano inside of you that has woken up and the pressure is building and building until eventually you know it’s going to explode.”
Julien shifts to straddle the bench, directly facing me. “Alright. Let’s start unpacking the boxes, one at a time. Say the first thing that pops into your head.”
Immediately I reply, “I feel so damn guilty about Ry.”
“Okay. Why?”
“Because of what I did to him. Because I betrayed my best friend and then wasted almost two years of our friendship over it. Because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Liz.
Because no matter how much I analyze what happened, I still wouldn’t change one thing about kissing Liz that night, and it makes me feel awful knowing that.
And because knowing that I would do it all over again, I feel horrible when I look at him and think that he might not survive the cancer and I’ll lose by best friend forever. ”
Julien quietly whistles through his teeth. “That box is stuffed full of feels. Let’s unpack another,” he prods.
“I’m terrified that the baby is mine and not Ry’s, and that I will have stolen another thing away from him that should have been his, just like Liz should have been his and not mine.
I feel like I can’t talk to Liz about the baby because she’s already dealing with so much and stress isn’t good for her.
So, I keep my mouth shut and do what I can, like making sure she’s eating.
And somehow I seem to be screwing that up too. ”
Julien pats my thigh in reassurance. “Whatever happens, whether the kid is yours or Ry’s, he or she will be loved by all of us, regardless of who the biological dad is.
You know that. Liz and the baby will not want for anything.
It may require us to grow up faster than we intended, but we’ll make it work.
As for Liz, be honest with her. Tell her how you’re feeling.
It’s going to stress her out more seeing that something’s bothering you and not knowing what it is or how to help. ”
He’s right. Liz is a nurturer by nature. It drives her nuts when she knows something is wrong and she isn’t able to help make it better.
“I already love this baby so much, Jules. I want it to be mine. Is that crazy?” He shakes his head no.
“Liz and I are both so young. I’ve never worked a day in my life.
And now, I might be having a kid and forced to become an adult with adult responsibilities. I’m going to screw it up. I know I am.”
“No, you’re not,” he voices vehemently. “You’re not,” he repeats again when I scoff at him. “Jay, I know you better than anyone, other than Liz. You’re going to rock the dad thing and I’m going to absolutely kill it as an uncle.” He smiles a big, goofy smile that has me smiling in return.
“Three boxes down. What’s the next one?” he asks.
“What happens if Ry can’t beat this cancer?”
That question shuts us both up because there is no answer.