Chapter 36
Dear Elizabeth,
You never realize how lonely you can be until you’re stuck in a hospital isolation room with only your thoughts to occupy most of your time.
Not even TV, books, magazines, or video games help when all you want to do is be in your car driving down the road, windows down and music blaring.
Your girl next to you, her blonde hair flying wild and her laughter filling the empty spaces in your heart.
I also realize how a human pin cushion must feel with all the needles, IV lines, blood draws, and constant monitoring I’ve undergone.
And it’s been only one freaking day! On more positive news, the first round of chemo went okay.
I’m more tired today than anything, but I know that will soon change with each treatment.
Cumulative effect, I’ve been told. Not looking forward to the vomiting.
The steroids they’re giving me make me a little loopy, so concentrating on getting schoolwork done is almost impossible.
And if I start rambling about cats driving cars, just ignore me.
I miss you so much. I miss Jay and Jules. I even miss Fal. Seeing you standing there yesterday like an angel with the sun shining down all around you, absolutely gutted me. You looked so beautiful. You glowed. But then again, you have always been the most beautiful girl to me. My sweet Elizabeth.
I know you deserve some answers from me. If I survive this, I promise to give them to you.
The pen stills in my hand as I recall every second of watching Elizabeth flip those cards.
The words she wrote. The pain and the love in her eyes as she watched me.
Then, as the last card fell to the floor, I watched her walk away.
I should have called her back. I should have run after her.
I should have thrown my arms around her and held her.
Kissed her. Begged her not to leave me. But I can’t be that selfish.
I can’t keep her as mine, keep the baby as mine, and make her assurances about our future.
A future I may not get if the cancer wins.
Yesterday, as invisible hands reached inside my chest to claw and rip at my heart as I watched Elizabeth bare her soul to me, I didn’t notice what was on the back of the last poster board until Jay handed it to me.
I look over to my right where the boards now rest against the wall, all lined up in order.
My gaze lands on the last poster. On the front side are the words, “I will never stop loving you.” But on the back is an enlarged print of a sonogram image with the words “Baby Gummy at 9 weeks” written underneath.
And my already shredded heart freaking shatters every single time I look at it.
I had avoided any mention of the baby. I couldn’t allow myself to ask questions.
I couldn’t allow myself that connection.
I couldn’t allow myself to get attached.
I wouldn’t be able to go to the doctor’s appointments with Elizabeth or be her partner for the birthing classes.
Hold her hair back when she had morning sickness or just hold her when she needed comfort.
I can’t make her and the baby promises until I’m sure the transplant takes and I’m in remission.
She doesn’t need a broken man. She doesn’t need someone who will be stuck in a hospital room for months in isolation, not able to touch her or kiss her or take care of her.
She needs a man who can step up and do what’s right by her.
She needs Jay, Fallon, and Julien. All I can give Elizabeth now are my jumbled words written on lined paper.
Words that she might never see because each letter I write is placed in a box along with the bracelet I bought her.
I’m not a poet like Hailey, or a musical genius like you.
But I wrote something for you today. I’ll try to put it to music, but you know my sight reading is crap.
But I can hear it in my head—the music for the words.
I hummed it over and over today during chemo.
I hope that one day I can hum it as we dance under the stars in our quiet place.
Butterfly
In you I see the butterfly.
Its appearance may seem fragile,
But truly it is strong.
Its delicate beauty permeates eternal.
Ceaselessly it will struggle,
Far distances it will roam.
Its soul forever seeking, searching.
God painted its wings,
Kissed them with colors so bright.
So beautiful it is, the Butterfly,
That each time and again
As I remember you,
Your touch, your smile,
Your soft, gentle kisses,
Your kindness, your passion for life,
Your faith and courage in me.
You are my heart and soul
And the air that I breathe.
Every time I grow desperately lonely
And long to hold you in my arms,
My sweet Elizabeth,
I only have to glimpse the Butterfly.
And I know you are with me.
Love always,
Ryder