Chapter 38
“Last night was excruciating.”
Jacinda was right. The guys were not thrilled when they saw her with me, and they made that very clear for the remainder of the night.
I didn’t see Maria or Beth anymore and assumed they had left early to avoid more confrontations.
Beth’s father is one of Montgomery Pharma’s top medical sales reps, so it made sense that was why Beth was there at the company event last night.
Maria must have come with her. Why Beth is choosing to get all chummy with Maria now will forever remain a mystery.
I shrug at Jayson’s comment. There’s really nothing I can say at this point to help him understand.
I can’t tell him the reason for my about-face when it comes to Jacinda.
I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone what she told me in the women’s restroom.
Besides, it’s not like we’re going to become best friends and have sleepovers and braid each other’s hair.
And on Monday, I’ll be the newest senior at Highland High, so it’s also not like I’ll see her or anyone else from Fallen Brook High except maybe at the Fields, at parties, or at Ruby’s Diner.
And after the summer, everyone will be leaving for college anyway.
However, that sentiment doesn’t include Meredith or Trevor as I’ll still go over to their house on Wednesday afternoons for our weekly study group.
Jayson is sitting at the kitchen island while I stand at the stove, frying up some bacon to go with the toast I’m keeping an eye on in the oven to make sure it doesn’t burn.
Julien will pop in later after his five-mile run and a shower.
They’ll be heading off to Duke to visit Ryder, and Jayson dropped by to pick up the book I wanted him to take with them.
Flipping the bacon strips over one last time, I fork them out of the pan and place them on a paper towel to soak up the extra grease.
“We’re really not going to talk about it?” Jayson asks, leaning his elbows on the counter.
“Kind of was hoping not to, to be honest.” I remove the toast from under the broiler, turn the oven off, and plate everything up.
Jayson gets up and takes the plates from me, bringing them to the breakfast table. He pulls my chair out for me to sit down, then he goes and pours us two full glasses of dairy-free almond milk, placing one down in front of me before taking his seat.
“What?” he asks when I just stare at him.
After everything I’ve put Jayson through—Old Elizabeth’s indecision, my car accident and memory loss, running to him when my memories returned, running to Fallon afterwards when my brain was a jumbled mess and I didn’t know up from down, choosing Ryder, getting pregnant—I can’t believe that he still loves me.
He shows me every day that he does. With the exception of the night Jayson got mad at me and kicked me out of his house when he found out I knew about Julien and Elijah and had kept it from him, Jayson has never pushed me away, even when I deserved it.
Even when he should have. Even when I loved Ryder when I also loved him.
What did Julien call it? A love quadrilateral?
It feels like it. I’m still in love with Ryder, regardless of how much we’ve hurt one another.
But that love I had for Jayson lingers there too, hovering in the background.
And now Fallon has taken up permanent residence in my heart as well.
It’s insane. It’s crazy. I’m freaking pregnant.
My life is a mess. My future is uncertain.
Yet, Fallon, Jayson, and Julien are still here with me, standing by me every day, every step of the way.
And even though we don’t know who the father is yet, all three guys are treating this baby like he or she is theirs.
I had asked Fallon during that first day when we were sailing on his yacht, why me?
What made me so flippin’ special to have three guys falling all over themselves for her?
He never did give me a straight answer. Yet, here I am, once again asking that very same question.
And you know what? I don’t care anymore.
I’m not going to second guess myself or my choices anymore.
Every time I do, I just seem to make things worse.
My life is in complete chaos because I’ve always felt like I was forced to make a choice.
To choose one thing over the other. Why?
Why does it have to be A over B over C? What can’t I have the whole alphabet?
The point of life is to live. And I have wasted almost eighteen years of my life not living, always afraid of upsetting the balance.
And for what? My parents are gone. My sister ran away with the guy who was abusing her because I was afraid to confront her about it.
I still got pregnant even though all precautions were taken.
The girl who I thought was my best friend hates me.
I’m constantly hurting the people I care for the most.
And what kind of role model would I be to my child if I was the type of mother who taught them to be afraid of everything?
To not take risks or dream big dreams? To clip their wings when they should be flying?
Wasn’t that the whole point of the YOLO list I made?
To be adventurous and try new things? To live and laugh and be happy?
“Elizabeth? You okay?”
“Huh?” Jayson never calls me Elizabeth. I’ve always been his Liz.
“You’ve been staring at me for like five minutes and it’s freaking me out.”
I have? “Sorry. Just thinking.” I bite into some toast and decide I want some grape jelly to go with it, so I go and get it from the fridge.
Coming back, Jayson slides my plate across the table toward him and pushes out the chair beside him for me to sit down. He takes the jelly jar from me and twists open the lid, as I get situated in my chair. Once again, he’s doing the little things that show me so much.
Using a spoon, I slather on a thick layer of grape goodness on my toast. “Jayson, if I don’t say it enough—thank you. For everything.”
When I lift the toast to eat it, he gently guides my hand over to his mouth and takes a bite. Our twin grins form at the same time. He does that with my fries before I can dip them into honey mustard, one of my food addictions. I also love dipping my potato chips in spicy brown mustard. So good.
Once he releases my wrist, I eat my toast, a glob of jelly catching at the corner of my mouth. Jayson swipes his thumb over my lips to clean it away and then licks the jelly off his finger as his gray eyes meet mine.
“You’re welcome,” he replies, his smile getting broader until his whole face lights up.
Wow. Okay. Holy smokes.
Shaking off whatever spell I was under, I focus back on my food and Jayson does the same.
We eat in comfortable silence and once we’re done, Jayson collects our dishes and puts them in the sink.
The house is so quiet, only the hum of the kitchen appliances, the sound of a distant lawnmower, and the thudding of my own heartbeat break the stillness.
Hailey is still asleep, and Daniel left for the grocery store right after I woke up.
Coming around the kitchen island, Jayson props a hip against it. “It’s going to be so weird not seeing you every morning before school. Even weirder not seeing you at school.”
“I get why Daniel is finally putting his parental foot down. I don’t like it, but I really do get it. Hailey and I talked a long time about it. We’re not going to fight him over it,” I tell him. “Besides, I only have to survive a few months and then graduation.”
“I’ll have to start climbing through your window again just to see you every day,” he remarks, a softness to his voice.
We’ll be moving back into our old house at the end of the month. I’m actually excited about it now.
When I try to walk past to grab a bottle of water from the pantry, Jayson snags my waist and pulls me in front of him, settling me between his jeans’ clad thighs.
He moves his left hand over my very small, still unnoticeable, baby bump and keeps it there.
Trying to concentrate on anything else and not the goose bumps that are erupting all over my skin at his touch, I straighten out a few wrinkles on his shirt.
“When’s your next appointment?” he asks me.
Jayson, Julien, and Fallon are insisting that they come to every single one of my OBGYN appointments. I have a feeling that all three of them will also demand they come to the prenatal and birthing classes too. I’m positive that we’ll get a lot of odd looks, but whatever.
“January twentieth. It’ll be my twelve-week check-up.”
He pulls me in a little closer.
“What are you doing?” Is that my voice, all breathy and wispy?
“I have no clue,” he replies, and I’m hypnotized by the liquid silver swirling in his eyes.
“Oh, shoot. Sorry,” Hailey says from the kitchen entryway, and I jump away from Jayson like he just electric shocked me. My face is on fire.
“Morning, squirt,” Jayson tells her, walking over to throw his arm around Hailey’s shoulders, giving her a brotherly hug. She blushes and I’m sure her face is as red as mine.
“Julien not here?” Hailey asks.
“He is now,” Julien announces, strolling in, aiming right for me. He lifts me up in his arms and kisses my cheek. “How are you feeling today?”
“Fed and happy,” I say.
“Have you taken your vitamins?”
I roll my eyes at his mothering. “Not yet. I was just about to.”
Julien releases me to go over to where I keep the bottle of prenatal vitamins, taking one out, then filling a glass with water from the tap and handing both to me.
Hailey slinks out of Jayson’s arm and makes herself a bowl of cereal. “What’s on the agenda for you guys today?” She knows Fallon is taking me to the recording studio in Raleigh, but she doesn’t know that Jayson and Julien are visiting Ryder.
“Besides the long discussion we’re going to have as to why Liz and Jacinda have suddenly become bosom buddies,” Julien remarks, giving me a pointed look.
Hailey spills some cereal as she pours. “I’m sorry. What now?”
“Thanks for tossing me under the bus,” I chastise him, then look at Hailey. “We’ll talk about it tonight after I get home.”
She glares at me. “You freaking better.”
“Jules and I are going to visit Ry,” Jayson tells her.
Hailey perks up at that. “Do you mind if I come with you? Brea is there with Freda for the weekend.”
“Absolutely. Finish eating.”
I see the time displayed on the microwave. “Let me grab the book. Fallon is going to be here soon, and you guys need to get on the road.”
“Avoidance doesn’t look pretty on you, Liz,” Julien says.
Jayson starts laughing when I blow Julien a kiss with my middle finger and hurry out of the kitchen.