Chapter 48
Today is the day. Ryder’s bone marrow transplant surgery.
The guys and I are sitting anxiously in the waiting room with all our families.
No one is talking. The only sound is that of the small television mounted to the wall that’s playing an episode of some DIY show that no one is paying attention to.
The allogeneic stem cell transplant is being done as we speak in Ryder’s hospital room, and Faith is with him.
The entire process takes about one to two hours.
Then it’s a waiting game. The doctors should know in about a week if the engraftment took.
If there are no complications and things look good, Ryder will be released from the hospital within four to eight weeks and allowed to return home, but he will still have to remain mostly isolated and take it easy for about a year.
And of course, all the follow-up tests and bloodwork.
“All this silence is freaking me out,” Julien comments, leaning his elbows on his knees. He’s sitting to my right, while Jayson is to my left. Fallon is seated on the other side of Jayson, scrolling through his phone.
Wanting to help by distracting him, I ask Julien, “Are we staying at the same hotel in Charlotte?”
The Fallen Brook soccer team will be playing in Charlotte next week for the state championship. Jayson and I are taking his truck and will meet up with Julien and their parents at the hotel. Elijah is hitching a ride with me and Jayson, since Julien has to arrive a day early with his team
“Yep. Same place as last time,” Julien replies.
He starts to fidget, and I take pity on him. I’m nervous too. Perhaps getting up and walking around will help us both.
“We’ll be right back,” I tell Jayson and Fallon, pulling Julien up and grabbing my coat.
The hospital has a mulched path that circles around a small pond in the back.
As soon as Julien and I step outside, I shiver at the cold.
I’ll be so glad when spring comes and the temperatures start to warm.
Pulling my zipper up to my neck, I reach inside my pockets and take out my gloves and my red yarn hat.
There are a couple of nurses walking out on the path this morning, talking and drinking steaming coffee from paper cups. I miss coffee. That’s another thing I’ll be glad to have back once this baby pops out.
Hand in hand, Julien and I stroll for a bit along the path.
It’s so sunny out today. When I was little, I remember asking Mom one winter’s day if the sun was broken.
Laughing, Mom had asked me why I thought that.
I told her it had to be broken because it was so cold outside.
In school, our kindergarten teacher had just taught us about how hot the sun was.
To a five-year-old with limited knowledge about seasons or the tilt and orbit of the earth, it made no sense to me how a day could be completely sunny while also being completely cold.
Julien stops us when we get to a metal bench. There’s a placard on it that reads:
In loving memory
Gladys Williams
1945-2020
“I don’t know if now is a good time, but there’s something that Ryder wanted me to give you.” He takes out a rectangular, black jewelry box from the inside of his coat.
“What is that?” I ask him.
He directs us to sit on the bench and the cold metal chills the backs of my thighs through my pants.
“I’m just the messenger.” He hands me the box.
With shaking hands, I accept it and slowly lift the lid. Several pieces of folded paper fall out when I open it. The wind catches one and tumbles it along the path. Julien springs up off the bench and chases the accordion paper before it flies into the water.
“That was a close call.” Coming back to where I’m sitting, he wipes off the dirt and takes the others from me so I can see what’s inside the jewelry box. It’s a gorgeous silver charm bracelet.
“Ry wanted me to tell you happy belated birthday.”
So this is what he was talking about that day I visited him.
Why didn’t he give it to me then? I lovingly touch each charm.
There’s a number eighteen birthday charm.
I smile when I see the racecar charm. There’s a charm in the shape of a girl with yellow hair in the middle of four boy charms, two on each side of the girl.
There’s a star charm that takes me a second to connect with its meaning.
It must represent the origami stars Jayson used to make me.
But the one that means the most to me is the charm of the baby bootie and pacifier.
It’s the first time Ryder has acknowledged the baby to me.
“Can you help me put it on?” I ask Julien, pulling up my jacket sleeve and holding my arm out to him.
He secures the clasp and I twist my wrist over and under a few times, watching how the sunlight sparkles off the bracelet.
Julien then hands me one of the folded pieces of paper.
I take a deep breath before opening it. It’s a letter from Ryder written in his unique, precise penmanship.
My hand moves to my mouth as I read it and I try to hold back the tears that are gathering quickly behind my eyes.
Once I’m done, Julien offers me another.
I open and read the next one, then the next one.
There are five in all. Each one increases the torrent of tears that freely fall down my cheeks, soaking the collar of my coat.
His words are heartbreaking and beautiful.
And when I read the last word of the final letter, I fold each one back up and place them inside the box, shutting the lid closed, the clacking sound reminding me of the sound of a door closing and latching.
“He loves you, Liz.”
“I know.”
“Jay loves you, too. So does Fallon. So do I, but we both know it’s not the same for me as it is for them.”
I turn my head and look at him. “I know that, too.”
Julien sits down and wraps an arm around my shoulders. He scoots over on the bench to hold me close. “You are my best friend, Liz. You have been my heart and soul since I was six years old. You encouraged me to be myself, my true self, and not be afraid.”
“You are an incredible person, Julien. The best of all of us. And I love you back just as much,” I tell him.
I love all four of them. My guys. My best friends.
My heroes. My family. My home. I gaze into his silver eyes, ones identical to Jayson’s.
“But I don’t understand what you’re trying to get at. ”
He touches my cold cheek with a gloved hand. “I think you do. And no matter what choice you make, I will stand by you. Just like you have always stood by me.”
It always comes back to choices, doesn’t it?