7. Nate
It’s strange. Ever since starting the shoot for ‘Forever and Always’, that surge ofpanic that woke me up most mornings had a reason now. Instead of it being a meaningless thing I couldn’t see… it was there.
A trigger. A reason.
The day I signed the contract. It seemed to be the memory that was attached towhatever had been making my heart beat as if I’d just finished a marathon the second I opened my eyes. I felt the pen in my hand, the rushed way I etched my name across the dotted line.
Why had I agreed to this? Why was I so sure that I could get through this withoutthinking about what happened?
I think during the last few weeks, I’d played down how much having Addy aroundaffected me… underestimated the control she had over me. I’d think back to the Defenders Of Time shoots, how I never felt like my internal walls were caving in whenever I caught her eyes or felt a waterfall of sweat cascading down my back and forehead whenever I heard someone utter her name.
So why was all of this happening now?
All it took was a phone call with Jacob and a rewatch of the movies to remind me thatour characters barely interacted and had approximately half a page of dialogue together. Having Jacob there helped, too. Having him as the buffer between that thick cloud of silence was probably why I hadn’t felt as helpless as I do now.
And even though she’d been back in my life for three years now, I still don’t think mybody was used to having her so close again. I don’t think I was ready to have her so close to me again.
I remember feeling similar things when I met her for the first time. Like I couldn’twalk away from her if I tried.
Thirteen Years Ago
“What the frick? Who was that?!” I screamed into the air, wanting to curse atwhatever just drenched me with water, but I held in the one and only curse word I knew, too afraid Mom or Dad would hear me and ground me for all eternity.
Through the water that was dripping from my hair down my face, I managed to scanthe white wood panels of the house next to mine, before my eyes landed on a cloud of fiery orange hanging out of the attic window.
“Oh damn it. I’m sorry! Just… wait there!” The cloud of orange shouted down at me,disappearing shortly after.
I stood there, still in shock, and waited in the side garden between my house and ourneighbours for the culprit to face me, whilst peeling off the splattered pieces of the pink balloon that had just hit me on the side of my face. I could tell the right side of my face was going to bruise because I was like a peach, one bump, and I’d be black and blue in seconds.
I waited a few seconds longer before I noticed a girl, about my height and a head fullof wavy orange hair, running towards me with a sorry smile stuck to her face. “I’m… I’m really sorry… uh…”
I could tell she didn’t know my name. I could see her trying to find it in her brain,trying her hardest to remember it. But she wouldn’t be able to. We’d never spoken before, nor had we even been introduced to each other.
But I knew hers. I’d known hers since her family moved in last month.
I was up in my room when I heard the moving truck pull up, the screech from the tyreswas loud enough to drag me away from my homework and keep my head out the window as I watched them leave the van.
I’d recognised her face as soon as I saw it. She was the girl from the Barbiecommercial that played right before my favourite cartoon every morning. I’d recognised her hair and smile from the Christmas movie my parents and I watched every Christmas Eve.
I found out her name when I heard her dad calling it from their car, while shedragged her body out of the truck and walked towards the house like she didn’t want to be there.
I haven’t stopped thinking about Adaline Moore since.
“It’s Nate. My name is Nathaniel, but don’t call me that; I like Nate better.” I managed, my voice just as shaky as my hands had become.
“Right… Nate.” She rocked back and forth on her shoes, white ballet flats, before sheheld out her hand, her freckled cheeks popping with the smile that just appeared on her face. My hands started getting even shakier, but I easily disguised it once I reached out and took her hand in mine to shake it. “I’m Adaline.”
“I know.” I blurted out, dropping my hand from hers when her smile grew slightly.
“You know my name?” she asked, taking a step closer.
“Doesn’t everyone?”
Her smile grew mischievous. “I wouldn’t say everyone. I’m pretty sure not everyone in the world knows my name.”
“No, I just meant—”
“I’m pretty sure the newborn babies of the world don’t know my name, therefore, everyone can’t know my name,”
“Right, okay—”
“So I think you’re wrong, Nate.”
For a girl who was only twelve years old, she was pretty confident. I knew she wastwelve because we were both in the same grade at school, at the same school too. Adaline Moore was in nearly all of my classes, actually, I just don’t think she’d noticed me before.
I noticed her the second she took the desk next to me in English class. I also noticedhow out of all of the classes, that was the one she liked the most, purely because of how mesmerised she looked when we were reading or told to do creative writing. She always had her head resting on her desk, and within minutes, both sides of her paper would be filled.
“I meant everyone at school knows your name,” I confessed, the rattle in my voice notas intense as it was before.
“Oh. Right.” One of her hands rose up to a fiery wave that skated past her face andflicked it behind her ear, the summer sun making the side of her face glow. “I think I like Addy better; Adaline is way too proper.”
I stayed silent for a few seconds, enjoying the way I was talking to a stranger… toanyone… and I didn’t want to run away and hide, before I remembered why she was even down in the yard and talking to me.“Are you gonna tell me why you threw a water balloon at me, Addy?”
Her eyes widened; whether it was because I called her ‘Addy’ or the fact I remindedher that she attacked me, I didn’t know. Probably both. “Oh, yeah… that.” Her hands twirled the ends of her hair, her eyes full of guilt. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I had a bad day.”
“And you took it out on me becauseeee?”
She sighed.“I swear I didn’t mean to. Usually, after auditions, I write my stories, andthat makes me feel better, but I was more angry than sad today. I saw the balloon in a drawer and filled it up without thinking. I was actually just going to throw it towards the backyard… but I sneezed and dropped it on you, and I’m really sorry.”
I let out a tiny laugh. “That makes sense. I get angry too sometimes.”
Her head tilted. “You do? When?”
My hands tug and pull at the torn balloon still in my hands, as my eyes get lost inhers. “I don’t know… my panic attacks sometimes get me angry. I get frustrated that I can’t be like everyone else… and not be so overwhelmed by little things.”
I drop my head when I admit that, finding it odd how easy it was to tell her somethingso personal, when only my family knew about my anxiety. But I still feel her eyes on me, which comforts me in a way I don’t really understand, like I know nothing can hurt me or bother me when she’s around.
I know that makes no sense, because this is the first time I’ve spoken to her, but I don’tignore that feeling either. I don’t want to forget it.
I lift my head slowly, and sure enough, her shiny eyes are fixed on me. It makes mesmile. Which then causes her smile to appear again too.
“What can I do to make it up to you, Nate? Do you want the answers to the Englishhomework? I can just slide them across to your desk.”
“You know we have English together?” I ask.
“Duh, we sit next to each other. Of course, I know. I just… couldn’t remember yourname…” She admits, her tone so soft and sweet it relaxes me more than I thought I could around a stranger.
My chest starts to feel fuzzy, but not the uncomfortable kind that tells me my anxiety iskicking in. I like this feeling.“You said that you write stories, when you have bad days?”
Her eyes narrow.“Yeah.”
“Could I read one? I love reading.”
“Oh… I’ve never shown anyone my stories before. They’ve always been a secret. Idon’t know.”
I feel the corners of my mouth curve into a smile at the way she suddenly got so shy.
It intrigues me. I wouldn’t think someone as confident as Addy would have a shy side. But I like the fact that she does. A lot.It makes me feel less alone than I did a few minutes ago.
It was like her drop in confidence gave me the added boost I needed to match herenergy. “The only other option is that I can get payback by throwing a water balloon at you.”
I watched her, eyes still wide and smile slowly growing, as she mulled over the options in her mind. I truly didn’t know what she’d choose. But when the words that came out of her mouth reached my ears, my fascination for Addy spiked and stayed at one hundred.
“Wait there… I think I have a spare balloon.”
“Nate?… Nateee?”
I swerved my head to where a high-pitched voice was calling my name, my eyescoming into focus on the figure walking towards me. “Yeah?”
The closer the figure gets, I realise it’s Amber, smiling like she’d slept with a dozenhangers in her mouth. “Daydreaming on the job?” she laughs, forcing one out of me too.
“Yeah, I guess I was. Sorry.”
“It’s okay!” Her bouncy steps bring her closer to me. “I was just coming to let youknow that Sebastian wants you and Nigel on set.”
“Oh, right, cool. Thanks.” I mumble as I shuffle past her, wondering why she chose toget me and not one of the assistants who were scattered around.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like Amber; she was sweet. When we worked together, years agoon an off-broadway show, I remember enjoying being around her, for a certain amount of time.
“Knock ‘em dead!” She calls from behind me, that high-pitched tone grating me in away I felt guilty about.
When I made it to set, I let go of a breath, my hands raking through my hair as I slowedmy steps. That’s when I caught the head of auburn curls that was leaving the set, my hands falling to my forehead and swiping away the sheen that I knew would invade in a few seconds.
I changed direction and headed over to Sebastian, who was already talking withNigel.
“Nate! So glad to see you again, buddy. Are we ready to get started?” Sebastianbeamed, flicking his head between me and Nigel as he did.
“I think so,” I cracked a smile, dishing it to both of them, getting a curt nod fromNigel in return.
“Amazing!” Seb boomed as he clapped a hand on my shoulder, patting it once beforedoing a one-eighty and heading for the crowd of crew members. “Alright, folks let’s go ahead and get the scene lit. Jerry and Angie, will you get cameras A and C positioned…” His low, southern voice faded out as he merged with the crowd.
Nigel and I started the small talk as we headed to the middle of the set, constructed asa basic kitchen with an island in the middle. The glow from the lights that were dotted above us illuminated the scene, the way it felt like daylight, like someone had lifted off the roof, made me slip into that easy comfort I always felt with acting.
I don’t question why I feel so normal when I”m in a situation like this, surrounded by eyesand cameras and judgement. It shouldn’t make sense. But it does. It’s like an escape from the person I am, pretending to be the confident hero, the love interest who’s never known what it was to feel anxious…
I shake the thoughts free from my head, arching my back as I rest my elbows on theisland. I suck in a breath, hold it there, think about what I always think about when I get like this, then release it. I do that until I spot Seb rounding the corner and sinking himself into his director’s chair, flexing the script in his hands before calling ‘action’ not a second later.
Nigel twists his head towards me, a deep scowl masking his face. “You can’t baseyour life on a girl you won’t even think about in a year’s time, Harry. You need to think like an adult. What’s more important, your future or some girl—”
“She’ll always be more important than anything, Dad! She comes before everything,and she always will!” I felt the room go deadly silent as I screamed that into Nigel’s face.
A laugh so condescending, one of pure evil, left Nigel’s mouth. “You’re an idiot. Iknow girls like that, Harry; she’ll leave you the second she lays eyes on some jacked-up frat guy who has a few more inches than you and then you’ll be fucked.” The man pretending to be my dad gets right up in my face when he delivers those lines, intimidating me so much I have to blink, which makes me know we’re doing a good job.
The fact he’s so close allows me to shove him with more force than I should have. I’llapologise to him when someone calls cut, but I know it’s made his whole fight seem so much more real.
“Don’t you dare talk about her like that! You have no idea what you’re talking about.”I rush my breathing, my chest rising and falling so quickly it makes me feel a bit dizzy. “Look where you are; sure, you have the big house and jackass size bank balance, but Mom left you. I’d rather have Anastasia than be a millionaire any day.”
As I go to turn around, to storm out of the ‘kitchen’, my throat closes up.
That’s whenI spot her, watching me from one of the many dark corners of the set, a hint of a smile resting on her lips that I can still make out through the darkness surrounding her.
Suddenly, my heavy breaths aren”t fake anymore.
Every time I catch her staring, I feel like I’m twelve again, standing in the side garden,dripping wet, with her golden and fiery gaze fixed on me. I felt so vulnerable. So seen. That day we met was the first time I’d ever felt truly comfortable around someone who wasn’t family.
Almost like we had this invisible string that had connected us our entire lives, and thatday she threw the balloon at me, our ends of the strings finally crossed. And when she let me throw a water balloon back at her, our ends never unravelled again.
But, like always, in the back of my mind is the day that string was cut in two. It’s notlong before her stare starts to hurt, and all the betrayal she sent my way comes crawling out from the hole I stuff it in every time I think about it. My hands get shaky. Sweat slicks my skin. My heart rate picks up. I remember all the smiles and ‘I love you’s’ weren’t real.
They were never real.
I can tell when she remembers it all too. I can see the day I left for college, when I promised, that after letting each other see the world on our own for a while, I”d meet her at Sunfall Pier, a year from that day, play across her eyes. I can see her remembering that I didn’t come theday I promised to. Like we’d sworn to.
I know it must have hurt her, but she must’ve been insane if she thought I was going to turn up and face her again, after she fed me a future that she never really saw, tearing away the hope of us and casting it into the ocean.After she lied to me, for months on end.
I can tell when those memories are cast across her mind. Her eyes dip to her shoes,her knee knocking inwards, as her hands play with nothing. She hesitates before I see her turn around and head into the darkness.
My heart sinks a little every time I spot that in her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feelready enough to ask about what happened, why it happened, and what I did for her to cheat on me with Asher Hartford.