11. Nate
For a long time, I wanted to murder the person who invented the dynamics of abirthday party.
They were supposed to be fun, right? A celebration of another trip around the sun,trekking through all the trials and tribulations that life throws your way and not having your age show up on your face… Yet.
So who the hell came up with the idea that opening all your presents and being sung aborderline creepy song while half your family tree stares at you equals fun?
I’d just like to have a chat with them.
Growing up, that was all that swam through my brain when I was made to sit on aplastic chair in the middle of my living room while my family crowded around me, while the neon balloons that made my eyes feel funny dangled from the ceiling.
It didn’t help my anxiety either. Having all the light and air sucked out of the room from the dozens of other people gathered in it only made my breaths that much harder to catch.
I didn’t know how to say this to anyone. I didn’t know how to tell my mom anddad, who’d spent weeks planning and making a cake especially for me, that I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want to upset them. Or hurt their feelings…
But that changed in the run-up to my thirteenth birthday, after a certain, confidentredhead burst into my life and helped me confess to my parents that I didn’t want my birthdays to look like that anymore. How suffocated they made me feel. How, if I had to endure one more sit-through of people singing ‘Happy Birthday Nathanial’, I was going to scream.
But more importantly, how the one day of the year that was solely about me, nevertruly felt like mine.
My parents were the best a kid like me could wish for. When I told them all of this,they didn’t try to convince me that it was just because I was getting older, or that I was just being silly. They listened. They told me that all my birthdays from that point on wouldn’t have to be plagued by the creepy song and interrogation-style present opening. I could do what I was comfortable with. I could spend it just the way I wanted.
Part of that freedom was all thanks to Addy… A lot of things were at that time in mylife.She was the one who said I’d always had the strength to speak up about it, butbecause I was so sweet, too good, she knew I didn’t want to hurt my parent’s feelings.
“I’ll be with you while you tell them if you’d like. But we both know you have a loudvoice inside of you somewhere, Nate; the only reason you can’t find it is because the anxious one is an asshole and takes up all the space in that wonderful brain of yours.”
That’s what she told me the week before my thirteenth birthday, and now it seemedlike her voice had overshadowed the others.
Now that I was older (twenty-six as of today), I didn’t mind the formalities ofbirthdays. Being as well known as I am, I know a helluva lot more people than I did when I was thirteen, meaning it was harder to escape the planned parties, terrifying songs, and acknowledging what felt like the whole world signing it at me.
Luckily, I had friends who understood what being under the spotlights andmagnifying glasses of the planet felt like, which is why I’m outside Jacob and Flo’s apartment, about to walk into the private dinner they’ve organised for me. Away from the cameras. Away from everyone else who didn’t matter.
“Hey man,” Jacob breathed as he opened the door, his voice deep and patient. Heknew my thoughts on these days. “Happy Birthday.”
He pulls me in for a quick hug, my arms wrapping around his shoulders before he patsme on the back, letting go a second later and his attention falling back onto me. “You know you could’ve said no, to this dinner… if you wanted—”
“No,” I shake my head at him. “Thank you, for doing this.” I dropped my eyes to thetips of my shoes, pushing them together before meeting my best friend’s stare. “I’m actually, weirdly, looking forward to tonight.”
“Yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah, I am.”
Why? I had no idea. When I woke up this morning, the panic was nowhere near asintense as it usually was, and my heart wasn’t running at a thousand beats per minute. I had to sit up and question whether I was actually alive, which sounds morbid, but for a split second, it crossed my mind. And when I realised I was still breathing, my mind flickered to tonight, what it’d look like, and then an image of me and my friends… even Addy, laughing around the table and not singing that sinister song at me projected up there.
And suddenly, the air around me became clearer.
“Well, I know Flo will be happy to hear that,” he admits, ushering me into thehallway. “I am too.”
My feet stop moving as I turn over my shoulder to face him, a genuine smile creepingup both of our mouths. A wordless exchange: He was happy I was here, and I was happy I had friends who understood me.
He lifted his chin at me. “There’s cocktails on the coffee table, help yourself.”
I carry on my steps down the hall and make it to the living room, clocking Bagel atmy feet and giving her a few head scratches, Jacob’s steps echoing behind me.“Any Aperol this time?” I ask, enjoying the way I can feel a smirk breaching thecorners of my mouth.
He lets out a gruff laugh. “Nah, she still can’t stomach them. Too many memories,you know?”
I nod, knowing full well that Flo’s memories of that night differed from mine, Jacob”s and Addy’s. “Yeah, I know.”
He points his thumb over his shoulder. “I”m just gonna go check on dinner, shout me ifyou need anything, man.”
I nod at Jacob as he strides into the door that I know leads to the kitchen, while I make headway for the cocktails he mentioned, stationed on the coffee table that sat in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, giving me a perfect excuse to grab one and stare off into the fiery haze of the sunset that was blanketing the city.
I wanted to freeze time, like I always do when I find the comfortable parts of my day.I could happily sit and stare at this view for hours. It was pretty enough that I could lose myself in the pastel swirls of the clouds and forget about the voices swirling around me.
These moments were rare, especially on this date. I always felt my brain was cloudedwith thoughts and worries even before I’d cracked open my eyes, before I’d torn into a present or eaten a slice of cake. But for whatever reason, the hesitations and voices weren’t as loud today, and the urge to cancel on my friends at the last minute hadn’t appeared like I thought it would.
Part of me remembered Addy, how this day used to be just us two, doing whatever Iwanted. As my eyes traced over the silhouette of the New York skyline, I wondered whether it was because she was spending my birthday with me again. But that didn’t make sense. She’d been back in my life now for three years, and my past three birthdays had all been just how I’d expected them…
Then I remembered that Addy hadn’t been there last year, or the year before, or theyear before that. This was the first birthday I’d spent with her since—
My ears prick up at the undeniable sound of the door handle clicking open, the hum ofvoices I knew belonged to the other pair of best friends in our little rebel alliance slowly trickling in. I shift my body around but keep my feet bolted in place, my eyes trained on the end of the hallway, knowing that the echoed giggles of Flo and Addy would be in the room with me any second.
I sucked in a precious breath, like I was trapped in a room where water was rising,and that last breath would be one I’d hold until I was free or the last one I’d ever take.
It was then that I saw her, saw what she was wearing, and in that moment I realisedthat I was going to be holding my breath until the minute either she or I left.
”Oh fuck.”I had to mutter under my breath, dragging my free hand through my hair as the memories of that dress invaded—
“Hey, Nate! Happy Birthday!” My head bobbed up as Flo pushed past Addy to get to me, her brown curlsflying behind her shoulders. I put down the drink that I hadn’t even taken a sip of yet, just in time for her to reach her arms around me and pull me in for a hug.
All the while I kept my eyes fixed on Addy… wearing that white dress.
I had to clamp my eyes shut, but all that did was provide my memories with a blankcanvas to project against. My head was full of scenes from the night she wore that for the first time, the night I caught her practically sprinting home just to hide it from me.
I opened my eyes as I felt Flo pull away, shaking my head free from all the nostalgictorment. I quickly lifted my eyes to find Addy, but she wasn’t there anymore.
I felt my eyes ping pong around the room before Flo’s smile quickly stole myattention. “You have no idea how much I wanted to buy you a birthday card. I literally have every birthday card I’ve ever received in a folder, somewhere around here.” I smiled at that, before she carried on. ”But Jacob said that you hate them so I—”
“I don’t hate them,” I reply, hating the way her smile falls.
“What?” She pulled back, crossing her arms over her chest, rustling the silk of herdress.
“I don’t mind cards or presents, it’s just everything else that makes me… you know.”
Her bottom lip sank between her teeth, a laugh forcing through her nose as sheshook her head. Her eyes meet mine, the green that lived in them darkening. “I’m gonna kill him.” And before I could plead with her not to kill my best friend, she was already spinning on her heels and strutting towards the kitchen.
I breathed out a laugh when the kitchen door closed and I heard a muffled ‘OW’ comefrom behind it, before turning around and picking up the cocktail I’d abandoned and taking a savouring sip, the mix of sweet and sour liquor gliding down my throat.
The orange haze of the sunset had been replaced with a lilac and navy fusion in thetime the girls had arrived, the stars freckling the clouds like the lit windows of the skyscrapers were. As I was getting lost in the view, I noticed a glow in the reflection, as if the sun had somehow risen after falling behind the buildings. But when she stepped closer, her body became clearer, and the white dress that clung to her curves became unmissable.
I dipped my head as a humourless smile crowded my face.
Of course she’s wearing that fucking dress.
So much irony was held in the seams of that dress. It’s the thing that calms my heart whenmy breathing gets out of control. It’s also the thing that makes me want to rip it off her and set it on fire because of how much it still controls me.
Reluctantly, my eyes glide up Addy’s reflection as she finds a place next to me by thecoffee table. Her feet are covered in white ballet flats and the frilly socks she wears, because no matter how many times she wears them, they still hurt her ankles. The dress starts where it always does, in the middle of her thighs. It cinches her in at the waist, a cruel reminder that that was where my hands used to cinch her, too. My eyes don’t stop roaming as they hover over her chest, glistening just like her thighs were.
Then comes the hardest part, as they glide over her face and watch as her freckledcheeks fall, her glossy smile disappearing in the window’s glare as her magma eyes meet mine.
Your smile deserves to fall when you see me, I think to myself.
But when my eyes drop hers and I take in that dress and the way that each time shewears it it only moulds around her curves better than it did before, that smirk begins to curl on her face again, reminding her that she’ll always have the power to make me weak.
Despite everything she did, every lie that slipped from those lips that are grinning at me, she knows my heart will always have her name etched into every corner of it.
I think that’s why I still hate her—because I can’t find it in me to erase her name forgood.
“Hi,” Addy whispers, in a way that would have made a younger Nate go feral once upon a time.Her voice was low and sultry and everything it shouldn’t be.
“Hey,” I mutter back, slightly raising my glass to her before turning to distract myselfwith the other mesmerising view.
“You look good,” she admits, the tapping of her ballet flats making my spine stiffen. Idon’t budge, not until I can see the puddles of ivory and orange in my peripheral, following her as she bends down to pick up a glass from the table.
“Thank you.” I gritted out, catching her stare as she stood straighter.
It’s like that’s all we have the energy for nowadays—four sentences of small talkbefore we have to take a breather. All it takes is a few seconds for silence to engulf us. It was our favourite way to exist around each other. There’s no risk of someone saying something they shouldn’t or, even worse, uttering an apology that would arguably make things more awkward.
Of course, we were both stubborn.
Anyway, after all this time, I was positive an apology from her wouldn’t cut it. Thecut-off time for that was about twenty seconds before I left for college, watching her cry as I drove away. She didn’t deserve to cry over missing me. She lost the right to do that the moment she kissed—
“How are you?”
My head bolts to her. “What?” I ask pointedly, harsher than I admittedly should of,given the way I feel my brows are pulled in and how she’s shaking her head and blowing out a laugh.
“Someone asks how you are, and you act like they’re asking you to sacrifice your firstbornchild? Classy.”
I shake my head at her. “No, I just didn’t expect—”
Her voice was so quiet and controlled as she shot back, “Expect what? Me not to ask how you’re holding up on the one day of the year Iknow for a fact you despise more than anything?” Her gaze gets fiery, more so than it already is, before the rim of the glass meets her plump lips, her eyes fluttering as she takes a sip.
“I don’t know why I bother sometimes, Nate.” She slams the now-empty glass backon the table with gentle force before smoothing out the front of her dress and turning away from me.
She only makes it three steps away from me before I regain the confidence herpresence made disappear, and I call after her. “You know why you bother, Adaline.”
The tap of her shoes halts, and I have to relish the way I watch her shoulders tense upas my words reach her.
I guess I still hold power over you, too, Firefly.
I drop my glass next to hers, my feet finding the strength to take me to her, painfullyslowly. “I know it, too.” I hush out, my heart rate doing what it does best whenever she’s at the centre of my attention.
Somehow, my feet get me directly behind her, the tips of my shoes touching the backsof hers, her back practically cradled into my white button-down. I perch my head over her shoulder, knowing full well how crazy this used to make her.
“It’s the same reason you wear that fucking dress every chance you get. Everybirthday, whether I’m there or not.” My hand raises and pulls back the strand of fire that covers her ear, making sure she hears every syllable, so it haunts her dreams tonight.
“It’s a guilty wear, Addy. You don’t wear it to tease me like you think you do: youwear it because, deep down, you still feel every ounce of guilt that you deserve to feel. And the sooner you realise that, the sooner this can all be over.”
Like my words knocked some sense into her, she pulled her body away from me, theheat she provided making my bones icy again, before spinning to face me.
“I have nothing to feel guilty about.” she spits, opting for denial like she did the lasttime that ivory cotton clung to her skin. “It’s you who should be swimming in guilt after abandoning me.”
I don’t mean to laugh, or perhaps I do. If anyone did the abandoning in this situation,that role goes to her, the second she traded me in for someone else.
The look that just ran to her face, though, for the first time, has me second-guessingwhether what I just said to her was true. The bulge of tears that race to her lashline scares me, like time hasn’t been kind to my memory, and I’m mixing up the details.
But I can’t be.
She’s the one who cheated. How could she make me feel guilty about not showing upat the pier that day?
Her head drops, and I watch as her chest rises high before her chin tilts back to me,those tears now halfway down her rosy cheeks.
“I’m so tired of playing this game. And what hurts the most is that you won’t tell mewhy you never came—”
“Dinner’s ready, you two!” Jacob’s voice calls from the kitchen, distracting both ofus long enough that our bodies fall back into that practiced silence.
After holding my stare for a second longer than she should have, she turns her back tome, her hands flying to wipe away the evidence of my words. But before she furthers the space between us, her head cranes over her shoulder, the teary streaks that were stuck to her cheeks catching the light as her mouth parted.
”Happy Birthday.”