Chapter 12
TWELVE
Collecting Ben from his new school was a far nicer experience than when he’d been in a mainstream setting. Back then, she’d often have the dreaded walk to speak to his teacher at pickup time. More than once, when he was wriggling to get out of her iron grasp, arms or legs flailing, she’d heard another mother whisper, ‘You’d think a teacher would know how to control her kids.’
Here, the other parents were quite possibly the least judgemental people on the planet. And there were fewer of them. Class sizes were smaller and a lot of the students came to school on a minibus from towns around the area. Erica hadn’t got to know any of the other parents yet, but she knew from listening to conversations on the playground how many of them were single moms. Raising a child with special needs was not exactly easy on a marriage. Look at what had happened to hers. Sometimes, in the middle of the night on that uncomfortable sofa bed, she’d play the last thirteen years as a film track in her head and try to work out the point it happened. When did it start to go wrong?
The day she and Andrew brought the children home to their small starter home, the sun had shone like a blessing. Helping Erica from the car first, then returning to collect the twins – tiny in their brand-new car seats – Andrew was practically bursting with pride. She honestly didn’t think it was possible for a human being to be happier than she was that day.
As she’d already guessed, looking after two babies at once was no walk in the park. No new mother is prepared for the life-changing whirlwind of a newborn. But having twins added another dimension. There was no ‘sleeping when the baby sleeps’ or ‘pick up and put down’ or any of the other trite advice people threw at her when she staggered through those first weeks like a bleary-eyed zombie with a hangover. There were times that the twins would tag team all night, seemingly hell-bent on ensuring that she didn’t get more than a handful of snatched minutes of sleep.
But at other times, when the stars aligned, she’d feed them both simultaneously and then sit in the glow of the night light – a precious baby in each of her arms – and marvel at the perfection of them. Cupped in each hand, their warm heads with a soft down of hair, their spines running along the inside of her arms, their diapers – or nappies as she was learning to say – soft in the crook of her elbow. They were so beautiful. Shadows cast by the night light accentuated their delicate features. Long eyelashes brushed the tops of their cheeks, button noses that begged to be kissed, the cupid’s bow of their perfect pink lips.
Andrew was great back then. As soon as he got home from work, he’d be itching to be with the children. But there was so much he couldn’t do. Even though it’d been tough, Erica had been determined to breastfeed both of them. The birth hadn’t gone the way she’d hoped. After Mollie had been born, there’d been some complications and Ben’s heart rate had dropped. They’d had to rush her in for an emergency C-section. Even now, she thought about that. Did it make any difference to him?
Because of that, she hadn’t given up on the breastfeeding, even when she was so sore one evening that she’d just cried and cried.
Andrew had tried to help. ‘Why don’t I make up a bottle? Just for tonight?’
‘No.’ She wouldn’t hear of it. ‘I have to do this.’
‘What about if you express some milk, then? At least that way I can do the night feed tonight? You can get some rest?’
She hadn’t wanted him to get up in the night. He’d had so much on back then, studying for his sergeant exams and working ridiculous hours. She hadn’t wanted him getting up with the children when he had to drive the next day. After all, she had the luxury of a whole year’s maternity leave. Although, the word ‘luxury’ seemed a misnomer some days.
Mostly, though, she remembered the joy of that first year. The first smiles and giggles. The knowledge that, however upset they were, she could make things better just by holding them close. And sometimes – when they were asleep together on the rug, curled together like a pair of parentheses – her heart was so full that it pushed warm tears from her eyes.
If only it was that easy to keep them both safe now.
The main school doors opened onto the playground and the younger students flooded out first. Then it was time for the older classes. Ben was the third one out. Head down, he plodded towards Erica’s smile and held out a large piece of paper. His teacher was right behind him. ‘Ben wanted to bring his work home to show you.’
Meeting the teacher at the end of the day held no fear here. It was always a positive exchange, even if Ben had had a difficult day. The teachers here were looking for progress in different ways; not confined to the measurements she’d been used to as a teacher in a mainstream school. ‘That looks great, Ben!’
He passed her a sheet of paper with pictures of food cut from magazines. His teacher explained, ‘They’re the things Ben wants to buy when we go to the café next week. We’re looking forward to it, aren’t we, Ben?’
Anxiety fluttered in Erica’s stomach. After seeing Celeste today, she felt even more worried about letting Ben go on a school trip without her watchful eye. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the teachers – they were amazing – it was that she knew all too well how easily things could go wrong.
Taking Ben’s hand, she smiled at the teacher. She had time to sort out the details of this trip another day. ‘Thanks. That’s great.’
They were halfway home from school when Erica’s phone buzzed in her hand. They’d reached the house with the pebbledash wall which Ben loved. He would run his fingertips over the stones stuck into the concrete, transfixed by the sensation of the smooth stones in their rough setting. She used to worry that the owner would come out and ask what he was doing, but they’d never seen anyone and it wasn’t as if Ben was doing any harm.
When she picked up, Andrew sounded annoyed. ‘Hi, it’s me. Have you collected Mollie from the house?’
Her heart skipped a beat. Had she said she’d do that? ‘No. Was I supposed to?’
Ben’s focus was still on the stones, his face a picture of innocent enjoyment. At moments like this, it was impossible to see him as anything but a vulnerable soul who needed to be protected from the world.
‘No. But I’ve got back home and she’s not here.’
That was a relief; at least she hadn’t failed again. ‘Maybe she’s gone for a walk?’
He sounded irritated. ‘I expressly told her she had to stay home. She can’t be grounded and then be swanning around with her friends.’
The way she’d looked yesterday, Mollie didn’t seem as if she wanted to be swanning anywhere. It was understandable that she might need some fresh air, something to do. Still, it was unusual for her to go out without permission. Or was it? In the last three months, those rules had been down to Andrew, not her. ‘She’s probably just having a walk around the block. Have you checked the Life360?’
When Mollie had first started to go out with her friends a few months ago, they’d installed an app on her phone so that they could see where she was. It’d felt terrifying letting her go out to the park without any adult supervision – unfortunately for her, having a teacher and a police officer for parents meant they’d seen and heard too much about the dangers for young girls in the local area – but they knew that they had to let her build her independence. The app on her phone had been a compromise.
An exaggerated sigh at the other end of the phone conveyed Andrew’s annoyance at the stupidity of her suggestion. ‘Of course I’ve checked it. She’s got Battery Saver on.’
Knowing that this might incur further ridicule, she still had to ask. ‘What does that mean?’
‘If she’s turned on Battery Saver, the app can’t access her location.’
That didn’t sound good. ‘Do you think she’s done that on purpose?’
His humourless laugh was a dry cough. ‘It’s quite a coincidence if she hasn’t.’
Icy fingers of fear clutched at Erica. ‘Why would she do that?’
Another sigh. ‘I assume it’s because she doesn’t want us to know where she is. Why else?’
But that made no sense. There was nowhere she could think of that Mollie would go that she’d want to keep a secret from them. The only places she was allowed to go were the park or to her friends’ houses and they wouldn’t be home from school yet, would they? She tried to breathe through the creeping anxiety. ‘She must be on her way to Amelia’s house. Or to meet her from school. Or one of the others.’
Amelia had said that Mollie wasn’t returning her calls. But if she wasn’t speaking to her, who would she be speaking to?
Andrew practically growled. ‘She’d better not be.’
As always, he was coming at this from the opposite direction, more concerned with Mollie’s disobedience than her safety. ‘Let me call Amelia’s house. She’s probably over there right now.’
She hoped that she was right. Yet somewhere in the pit of her stomach, instinct told her that there was more to this than met the eye. Why was Mollie not telling them what was going on? Surely this couldn’t all be about her missing out on a place on the school council?
And where was she?