Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
If you were asked to describe your ideal head teacher, Fiona Bixby would be it. Always immaculately dressed – often in a crisp dark suit and brightly coloured shirt with matching pumps – and so professional that you could easily imagine her holding her own with a combative parent, a panel of Ofsted inspectors or a room full of government officials. At the same time, she was kind and gentle and could often be seen crouched down next to a child listening for as long as they wanted to talk – or sign or gesture – about whatever they wanted to communicate to her. And they did. When Erica and Andrew had taken their first ever tour of the school, children in every classroom had wanted to take her hand and show her what they were working on. As a teacher herself, Erica was also aware of the way the staff responded to her. It was clear that they were as happy to be working for her as the children were.
For all of these reasons, she trusted Fiona to be honest about what would be best for Benjamin. ‘Thank you for seeing us at such short notice.’
While Celeste was working on Erica’s idea to help Mollie, she’d pushed ahead with the second part of her plan by arranging a meeting here for her and Andrew. Behind Fiona’s large desk, hand-drawn pictures and cards were pinned to a cork board. In places, they were three deep. ‘No problem at all. What can I help you with?’
Beside her, Andrew – also in a dark suit – was poker straight. Erica kept her hands in her lap, trying to hide the fact that she’d managed to pick the polish from half of her nails this morning. ‘We wanted to talk about Benjamin. To get some advice, really.’
Fiona tilted her head, her chin-length black hair swung below her ear. ‘I had a quick chat with Ben’s teacher this morning. She said he’s making great progress with communication and is developing his independence. Hasn’t he been selected to go on the trip next week?’
This was harder than she’d thought it would be. For so many years she’d been the one sitting on the other side of the desk. The one with the answers to concerned questions. Now she had a head full of them. ‘He has. And that’s one of the things we wanted to discuss. We’ve…’ she glanced at Andrew ‘…or, more accurately, I’ve been quite cautious about what I’ve expected from Ben. I know that the expectations are higher here and I, well, I think I just wanted to have a chat about it.’
It sounded weak, she knew that. Andrew was probably chomping at the bit to jump in but, as usual, he let her do the talking.
Fiona leaned back in her chair. ‘We do have high expectations for our students, but I hope that we always ensure that they’re achievable. We want to lead them onto new experiences. Not push them where they don’t want to go. We want the best for our children. The best that they can be.’
They’d heard this phrase before, it was a favourite of hers. But this time it twanged something in Erica. Though she hated herself for it, her throat tightened and tears threatened. ‘The thing is, I don’t think I know what’s best for Benjamin. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I’ve tried to keep him safe, but I might have stopped him from…from…’
Andrew reached into her lap and took her hand. ‘You’ve done a great job of looking after him, Erica. No one can say you haven’t.’
His unexpected praise, the warmth of his touch, squeezed her heart so tight that she couldn’t breathe. Instead, she tried to communicate it all – her fear, her guilt, her desperation for guidance – through the tear-filled eyes she directed at the woman in front of her.
As if she’d understood all of this, Fiona’s tone was kind. ‘There is no “right” thing. Especially for children with additional needs. That’s what makes it difficult. Every child is different and needs different things. Part of our job here is to support you as much as Ben. We know how hard it can be.’
Tears were impossible to control when she was asking for help. ‘I don’t want to put him at risk. He finds it difficult to be away from me.’
Nodding slowly, Fiona looked from Erica to Andrew and back again. What was she thinking? Clingy mother? ‘Sometimes we have to let our children do difficult things.’
The truth of her words hit Erica in the chest. Had she tried to make Ben’s life easy? Or was it her own comfort zone that she was too scared to step out of? Her voice came out like a whisper. ‘I don’t know how to do that.’
Andrew’s grip on her hand tightened. Was he finding this as difficult as she was?
‘I understand that you gave Ben the opportunity to try an overnight stay with us. How did that go from your perspective?’
Awful. Terrible. ‘He struggled to settle.’
‘It can be quite a challenge the first time. But I think it would be worth trying again. Some of our children thrive in the routine of boarding here all week.’
‘We’re not planning on doing that.’ Andrew’s voice was firm and not open to negotiation. It was difficult not to show the shock on her face. Wasn’t that what he’d wanted?
Fiona smiled. ‘No. I know that. And I think that’s the right decision for now. But things change over time. His needs will change, like they do with any child as they approach adulthood. And it won’t end when he reaches eighteen. Children – and adults – with special needs are lifelong learners. As he grows up, Ben might want more independence. Overnight stays here are a way to gently move in that direction. One day he might be ready to try assisted living with other young adults.’
On some level, Erica hadn’t really thought of Ben becoming an adult. She’d worried about it in a kind of foggy way of wondering how that would look for them as a family. But she always pictured him as he was, maybe a little taller, and that she would care for him in the same way that she did now. Had the limits of her imagination – of her fear – limited him too? ‘So you think it’s a good idea? Him staying here sometimes?’
‘You have to do what’s best for your family. I know that you have to take so much more into consideration when you have a child who needs extra support and that can take its toll, particularly on the primary carer, but on everyone in the family. Ben has a sister, I believe?’
‘Yes. A twin sister. Mollie.’
‘Well, we have groups here for the siblings of our students. And we have parent groups. I could tell you what I think would be good for Ben, but I don’t have the perspective of a parent to share with you. I know that a lot of our parents and carers have found it really helpful.’
What had she expected? That the head teacher would give her a list of instructions on how to navigate this? She just needed to hold her breath and take that step. ‘Could we try again? With him staying over?’
Fiona smiled. ‘Of course. We’ll work with you as and when you and Ben are ready.’
She was about to stand when Andrew cleared his throat. ‘What kind of provision is there for…later on in Ben’s life? When we’re gone.’
There it was, the biggest fear of every parent of a child like Ben. What will happen to them when you die?
‘One of the most important parts of our role is our students’ transition to their next steps at the end of school. For some of our students, that is into assisted living accommodation. Ben has several years before we need to think about that, but I can promise you that we are here to guide and help.’ She looked at Erica. ‘Right now, we want to build his confidence and independence. The trip next week to the café is one of the steps towards that.’
Erica nodded. It didn’t matter how terrified she was – how many scary situations she could imagine – she needed to let her son take his first steps without her. ‘Thank you for seeing us. We really appreciate everything you’re doing for Ben.’
Fiona Bixby smiled. ‘Thank you. I know that these kinds of transitions can be difficult, so can I give you one more piece of advice? Don’t look at Ben’s world through your eyes, look through his eyes. He has parents and a sister who love him very much. That makes him a fortunate young man.’
Five minutes’ drive from the school, the coffee shop on the high street was quiet after the morning rush. Andrew came back from the counter with two cups of coffee. ‘They’re bringing the bagels over once they’re ready.’
She’d been here several times on her own, a few times with Ben and once with Mollie. It felt nice to be here with Andrew. How long had it been since the two of them were on their own like this? ‘I was surprised in there. When you said you didn’t want Ben to board at the school. I thought that’s what you wanted?’
Andrew shook his head. ‘I just wanted you to consider that we could get some extra help. That you didn’t need to be the one looking after him all the time. As soon as I said anything, it caused arguments between us. I just gave up in the end.’
It was the time for truth. ‘You shouldn’t have. If you wanted to be part of Ben’s life, do more for him, you could have done so. I hold my hands up and admit my part, Andrew. I did take over; I did think I was the only one who could look after him. But you let me. You needed to step up and be his dad.’
She held his gaze, waiting for him to reply. She didn’t expect to see tears form in his eyes. ‘You’re right. I did.’
She’d only ever seen Andrew cry three times in their marriage: once when he lost his father and again two years later when the twins were born. The third time was now. She kept her tone gentle. ‘Why didn’t you try harder?’
It took him a moment to compose himself to speak. ‘In the beginning, I thought that Ben was just going to be a bit of a handful. All the times you said you thought there was something wrong, I was convinced that you were just overthinking it. Mums worry, don’t they?’
His mum worried, he meant. Andrew’s mother was a warm, kind woman who had a place at the table for anyone who turned up and made you give three rings when you got home even when you had children of your own. ‘I tried to tell you.’
‘I know. But I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to accept that there was anything wrong, anything that we couldn’t fix for him.’
This wasn’t news. Andrew had been determined that Ben would go to the same school as Mollie, adhere to the same rules at home. It didn’t matter how many times she’d told him that they had to do things differently for him, he hadn’t wanted to hear. ‘I know it was hard. But it was hard for me, too.’
‘But you were so good with him. So patient. I used to watch you and think that I could never be like you. And then, at the same time…’
She was expecting him to finish his sentence, but he clearly needed prompting. ‘At the same time…what?’
‘I was angry with you. I thought you were babying him. That he’d never cope in the real world. He was – he is – so vulnerable.’ When he looked up at her, his eyes were haunted. ‘I see the real world every day, Erica, and it’s not a nice place. I see adults with special needs being taken advantage of, being treated…terribly. I just want him to be safe.’
Why had they never spoken as openly as this before? Why had their marriage had to be taken to the edge of the precipice before they’d communicated properly? ‘I want him to be safe, too. I want them both to be safe. But I’m worried that you’re right. That I have held him too close.’
He rubbed away his tears with the heel of his hand. ‘You’re an amazing mum, Erica. Really amazing. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve said to you in the last few months. I’m sorry that I blamed you for leaving Mollie behind that day. For my anger. It wasn’t your fault.’
Now her eyes filled with tears. ‘Do you really mean that?’
He nodded. ‘Watching you in there, with Ben’s head teacher, I realised how much you’ve done for him. How hard you’ve had to fight. And I’m so sorry that you’ve had to fight me, too.’
Erica’s throat was so swollen with emotion, that she couldn’t answer.
He hadn’t finished. ‘I’m going to make it up to you. I’m going to step up. Be a better dad. I’ll speak to Mollie about what she overheard. And I’m going to try harder with Ben. I’m his dad and I’ve let him down.’
It was everything she’d wanted to hear for so long. ‘Thank you.’
He shook his head. ‘You don’t need to thank me. I should be thanking you. We need to be a team. We need to work out what we’re going to do next. For Mollie, too.’
He was right. They would need to help Mollie deal with this issue before she went back to school. ‘How about Ben and I come and spend the day with you both tomorrow? Under the circumstances, it won’t hurt for him to miss a day at school. We can talk to her then.’
He smiled, looking more like the man she’d fallen in love with than he had in a long time. ‘That’s a great idea. I’d like that very much.’
They chinked their coffee mugs and she was happy that they were coming together to do the best for both of their children. But she also realised that this was about being good parents. There’d been no mention about being a husband and wife.