4. No. 17 Buy more books #2
My head’s shaking in disagreement but my body collapses until I sit with a thud on the wooden floor.
The shaking is uncontrollable now, my body convulsing like I’m having a fit and all of my muscles are tensed so tight each jolt is painful, but I can’t stop it.
All my brain can focus on is the remains of my books, the failure of this venture, and the fact Cas is leaving in the morning and I have no one. “I-I’m s-sorry,” I say.
Cas shakes their head and gives me a sad smile. “None of that, there’s nothing to apologise for. I need you to breathe, Bea. Do that for me.”
“T-trying,” I gasp, my chest wheezing.
“Should I call an ambulance?” Eli says and my eyes snap up to see the two men looking down on me.
Eli looks so worried, pale, like he’s watching the life leave my body.
August is frowning, jaw tight and staring at me like he’s angry; angry I’m freaking out.
It makes me whimper a sad little sound and Cas clicks their fingers in front of my eyes.
“Look at me, babe, not at them. It’s just you and me, okay? Just you and me and we’re going to breathe through it. So, take a nice big breath in for me, through your nose.”
I do as they say, keeping my eyes trained on their face and following the pattern of their bright orange graphic eyeliner as something to concentrate on other than the two witnesses to my pity party.
“That’s good, Bea, well done. Do another for me.
” Cas doesn’t stop looking in my eyes, letting me know they’re still with me but they turn their head slightly so they’re addressing the men.
“No ambulance but do you reckon you could get some orange juice for her to drink when she’s ready?
There’s some in the fridge next door, we didn’t lock up. ”
“Sure,” Eli says eagerly and darts out of the room.
I keep watching Cas as they mimic the slow controlled breaths they want me to take and I follow them until each inhale feels more natural than the last. My body shudders but the shaking has lessened enough I’m not jumping off the floor.
“That’s it, good girl.” Cas gently strokes their thumbs over the backs of my hands where they’re still tenderly gripping my wrists. “That was a bad one, huh?”
I nod, feeling sick in my stomach and the instant headache already sharp and blinding. I’ll have a migraine later.
“I think we should get you up off the floor, okay?”
I nod again and rather clumsily try to get my feet beneath me.
It takes several attempts as my legs are still weak and wobbly but eventually Cas pulls me to a stand and miraculously one of the chairs we’d bought from the junk yard is right behind me so I can fall back into the cushiony softness of the antique wingback.
August steps round from behind the chair and I think he must have been the one to bring it round for me to sit on.
“Thank you,” I croak, but I can only look at the floor because I am so embarrassed, eye contact would be painful.
I wasn’t wearing much makeup, but mascara is probably smudged around my eyes from where I’d been digging my fingers into the sockets trying to ward off the inevitable.
I know my cheeks have probably gone super flushed in opposition to the pallor I usually have during an attack and I’m sure I look a mess all round.
“Here,” Eli says, coming back into the café with a bottle in one hand and a glass half full of juice in the other.
“Thanks.” Cas takes the glass and passes it to me. I’m still shaking so the liquid sloshes and spills onto the denim of my shorts. Cas’s hands cradle my own over the glass and steady me, so I take a sip of the sugary drink. “Slowly,” Cas reminds me.
I nod, sipping slowly on my drink as my brain tries to clear the haze of the panic attack.
There’s a quiet ringing in my ear I’m hoping will stop soon because tinnitus for weeks on end is never fun and my eyes can hardly stay open.
Cas lets go of my hands when they’re sure I can hold the glass steady, and I hear them talking lowly to Eli but can’t hear what they’re saying.
I can feel eyes on me, and I know August is still watching, probably thinking I’m pathetic.
Probably wondering why I’ve even bothered with all of this.
I chance a peek up at him, but when I reach his face, he’s not looking at me at all, he’s watching Eli and Cas as they talk, but he’s right there next to me, his tall, broad frame blocking me from view of the window.
He’s so close I can smell him, woodsy and clean.
When he dips his head to find me looking at him, he doesn’t offer me a smile of reassurance, he doesn’t say anything, just looks at me with a blank expression.
Dark brown eyes bore into mine and I notice again how handsome he is, a slightly pointed chin under all the stubble and his hair long enough to curl at his ears.
My heart starts racing again but it’s got nothing to do with the books still half covering the café floor and when my hand shakes a little again, August bends and plucks the glass from my grip.
“I’ve got it.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He nods once and I quickly look away, rubbing my clammy palms on my legs. August moves away and swoops to pick something up from the floor. I tilt my head to try and see what it is when he curses under his breath and storms off.
“Here, take these.” Cas hands me a couple of pills as I lay in bed and I take them, swallowing them with a gulp of ice-cold water.
We didn’t get much done today after my panic attack, I’m usually pretty useless after one that big.
Cas cleared up the café, keeping all the salvageable books together and boxing up the ruined ones for me to go through at another time to see what I need to replace.
Whatever’s in there, it’s over a grand’s worth of damage and even though I could afford to replace them all in one, it’s still heartbreaking.
My poor, poor books, they’ve never done anything to hurt anyone.
I had to come back to the cottage to lie down, and I’ve been out for most of the day. Although Cas told me Eli helped them clear up and August came back to replace the lock with a better one, even though the old one hadn’t been busted. I must have just forgotten to lock up.
“Thanks,” I sigh, sitting up and feeling relief, my head is actually starting feeling a lot better. “You told Eli to look out for me, didn’t you?” I say, remembering snippets of the conversation Cas was having with the friendliest of my new neighbours.
They blow out a long breath. “I worry about you, Honey Bea, you know that.”
“I’ll be fine,” I argue weakly.
“I absolutely know you’ll be fine, you’re a kickass boss-bitch with a stunning rack and a master’s degree, you’ll be more than fine.”
I snort. “The rack does come in handy.”
“I just know if something like that happens again and you’re unable to sneak off to a quiet corner, you need someone who knows what it is and to sit with you.”
I nod, knowing they’re probably right but hating the idea of it happening again around people I hardly know. “I was kind of hoping getting out of the city would mean I wouldn’t be having attacks anymore.”
“That’s not how mental health works, babe. There’s no magic switch that just makes the bad stuff go away. But if you have good people in your corner, they can help bring the good stuff to the front.”
“I love you,” I say, my eyes stinging.
“Love you too, Bea. And you’re going to rock this shit, you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” I sigh, leaning my head back on the headboard and closing my eyes. “I know.”