Chapter 36
Julia
The basement of the psych building smells like old textbooks and mystery mold, but apparently that’s what qualifies as high society when it comes to Double C. The first official event of the year is in full swing, and our little group is gathered right in the center of it all.
Scottie smiles from her chair between Finn and me, Blake’s across from us talking about today’s big game, and Ace is right next to me—loud, laughing, completely in his element.
Everything is normal—except me.
I’m trying to play my part, and I think I’m succeeding as far as the friend group is concerned, but internally, it’s a struggle.
Shit has been weird between me and Ace since yesterday and, quite frankly, hasn’t even hinted at getting better.
From not hearing from him all night to putting him to bed drunk after seeing the condom fall out of his pants to his avoidant explanation this morning to skipping the football game we would normally go to together to stopping by to find him already dressed and ready for tonight to coming here separately, it’s been one fucked-up moment after another.
And yet…
He’s glowing. His aura is brighter than I’ve ever seen it, and we haven’t had even a second of private conversation. He hasn’t asked if the time is up on our fifteen minutes.
He hasn’t asked me anything at all.
Since my arrival ten minutes ago, he’s been working the room like a politician, high-fiving half the people who walk by and making everyone feel like they’re part of something big. He’s the life of the party as usual, but for the first time ever, it feels like I wasn’t invited.
He’s talking with Blake and Finn about the playlist that’s blasting from the speakers by the stage and joking about “revolutionizing secret society party vibes now that we’re sophomores,” and everyone is eating it up.
Everyone but me, that is.
My brain keeps trying to play it cool, but deep down, the green-eyed monster whispers that he’s lying to me about something. Maybe even more than one something. Maybe some new girl he’s started dating. Maybe two new girls.
I don’t know. I do know I shouldn’t care if he’s dating someone. I shouldn’t. But I do.
I care more than I’ve cared in a very, very long time.
I clear my throat and force myself to focus on anything but the way my best friend’s brown eyes look like melted chocolate underneath the fluorescent lights of this dingy basement and the corresponding sweetness some skanky girl may have spent Friday night swimming in.
“I wonder what tonight’s big event is going to be,” I say, trying to sound normal and participate in the conversation, like maybe it’ll keep me from spiraling.
Before anyone answers, Ace turns to me with a grin and bumps my shoulder. “Be right back, okay?”
“Okay, weirdo,” I say, playing my part even though my heart feels so heavy it’s sinking out of my chest. I don’t know why I don’t bring it up—it’s not like me to withhold my feelings from Ace. But this whole set of circumstances feels different.
Everything we’ve done for the last few weeks, everything that’s happened…I thought… I don’t know. It felt like we’d turned a corner.
And now we’re speeding blindly in reverse.
He peels away from the group, I assume to schmooze some people on the edge of the crowd. Or maybe he’s going to meet his new girlfriend at the door.
But then he heads to the stage in front. And grabs the microphone.
What is he doing?
Finn squints. “What the fuck?”
Ace’s voice cuts through the noise. “I’d like to welcome everyone here tonight.
This is our first official Double C event of the year, and while I think we can all agree that our previous leader Lexi’s shoes are big ones to fill, I am fortunate enough to wear a size fourteen.
Tighten your seat belts and check your zippers, motherfuckers.
It’s going to be one hell of a wild year. ”
And just like that, the world tilts a little sideways. Ace is the new Lexi. Ace—my Ace—is in charge of Double C. It’s arguably the most the dramatic realization of his very wettest dream to run our college’s secret society—to be the most recognizable, noteworthy student on campus.
And he didn’t bother to tell me.
There are cheers and whistles and some guy yells “President Acer!” like that’s a thing now, and all I can do is stand there and try not to let my face give me away.
I’m hurt. Not a scratch on the surface that heals quickly—a deep, throbbing wound.
He lied to me. Last night, today, and moments ago.
He lied.
Our lives—our friendship—are what they are because of a level of trust most people can’t comprehend. Because of truth-telling and bared exposure of all parts, weak, strong, wicked or otherwise.
As the world turns around us, we are the true north, we are the reset, we are the soul.
At least, I thought we were.
But by lying to me about last night, by hiding this—whether he was sworn to some secret code of something or not—he’s irrevocably changed the way we operate.
Everyone else is smiling. Everyone else is thrilled. And I’m standing here like an idiot trying to figure out why this hurts so much. I swallow hard, eyes fixed on the stage. An uninvited moisture blurs Ace’s image.
“You good, Jules?” Blake asks, his voice kind.
I turn to him and force a smile so hard it cramps my jaw. “Of course. Just surprised, you know?”
“You didn’t know about this?”
“Nope.” I shake my head, blinking fast. “Just found out right now…with everyone else.”
Scottie, thank God, chooses that moment to turn to me and ask if I want to go to the bathroom. I don’t hesitate. I grab the handles of her wheelchair like my life depends on it and steer us away from the noise.
We push through the crowd, past the halfhearted dance circle and the groups clumped together whispering about President Ace and finally make it to the hall near the bathrooms.
The second we’re alone, I let out ten pounds of air in one forced blow.
Scottie twists to look up at me. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say too quickly. “I needed a second. It’s loud in there.”
She nods, not pressing, and I’m grateful. We both go into the bathroom—her into the accessible stall, me into the one next to it—and I sit on the closed toilet lid and stare at the tile.
I’m mad. Not just at Ace but at myself too. Maybe even a little bit at the world.
I shouldn’t care this much. I shouldn’t be this bothered. But the truth is, deep down, I’ve been waiting on Ace Kelly for most of my life. I’m always the girl on his sidelines, forever waiting for him to notice me enough to put me first.
I’m tired of being the girl waiting around to be his only girl.
Point-blank, I’m tired of waiting.
I dig in my purse to find my phone, the ache of my bruised ego pulsing with unintentional reprisal. I scroll to Drew’s name, eager to make myself feel better any way I can, but before I can even start to type, a new message buzzes inside the thread.
Drew: Julia, I miss seeing you and doing things with you. I just miss you. I feel like you’re done with me, but I’m hoping that maybe you’ve just been so busy with school and shit… Tell me the truth, babe, have you moved on? Or do I still stand a chance?
Normally, Drew attends Double C events, but I guess he’s missing it tonight. A few weeks ago, I probably would’ve known why, but I’ve slowly distanced myself from him. Because of Ace.
Maybe this message coming right now is a sign. Maybe it’s a chance to rework my choices and start fresh.
Drew has been trying. Really freaking trying. And I’ve left him hanging out in the wind. All because you’ve spent too much time focused on Ace and what Ace wants and needs. All because you’ve been secretly hoping that Ace wants to be more than friends with you.
I stare at the message, thumb hovering, heart and mind racing.
But eventually, I make a decision.
Me: I miss you too. And I’m sorry if it’s felt like that, Drew. I’m so sorry. Things have been crazy lately, but it’s all starting to wind down.
Drew: So…does this mean you’re open to going on a date with me soon?
Me: Yes. Let’s do it.
It’s high time for me to stop waiting around.