Chapter 52
Julia
Zip’s Diner is packed and buzzing with lazy Sunday energy. The scents of butter and maple syrup cling to the air, mixing with the occasional clatter of silverware and laughter from the corner booths.
Scottie dunks a forkful of hash browns in hot sauce. “We should’ve known once Ace Kelly became the prez…things would go off the rails.”
Kayla grins. “Right? Last night was insane. How many ferrets were there? Ten? And what was with the dude in the gorilla costume on the skateboard?”
Scottie laughs. “I saw that guy crash and burn so many times.”
I laugh because I’m supposed to. But my smile is brittle, and my coffee’s long gone cold.
Ace was barely visible last night. Just flashes.
A glimpse of his profile across the room.
A low laugh from somewhere down the hall of the chemistry basement.
And always with someone beside him. Usually a girl, and never but never me.
He didn’t come over to try to make up or explain again, he didn’t pull me aside and apologize for keeping something from me for the first time ever and for fucking everything up with his timing, and he didn’t let me have my fifteen minutes to be upset and then check on me to call it to an end.
I know he was never good at telling time, but three weeks ought to be long enough to tell the difference.
The worst part? I noticed.
I noticed all of it.
I stir my coffee for too long. The spoon clinks the sides of the mug in a repetitive rhythm I don’t even notice until Scottie shoots me a look.
“You okay?”
“Me?” I blink, and when I realize her eyes are on me, I quickly nod. “Oh yeah. I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Mm-hmm.”
Kayla’s too busy face-diving into her pancakes to notice, but Scottie doesn’t look away. She lowers her voice. “So…how are things with Drew?”
I bite the inside of my cheek as I realize that I haven’t thought of Drew once since we sat down. And the worst part is, I have to force myself to scroll through my brain to find the file labeled boyfriend.
“They’re…fine.”
Scottie raises her eyebrows.
“They’re good,” I add and force a smile to my lips. “Great. Things are great.”
Scottie gives me a look but lets it go.
I pick at the corner of my napkin and try not to think about how I haven’t heard Ace’s voice in three weeks. Or how it feels like the loudest silence of my entire life.
Kayla’s phone buzzes, and she groans. “Ugh, study group. I gotta go.”
She hugs Scottie goodbye and waves at me. “Text me later!”
Scottie and I are left in a quiet lull. She takes a long sip from her coffee, eyes never leaving mine, and I just sit there, wishing I could be more conversational. Wishing I could be more present and not lost in my own freaking head.
“Girl, I know you’re not okay,” she says softly.
I stiffen. “I’m fine.”
“You know you don’t have to lie to me, right?”
I shake my head. “I’m not lying.”
“Julia, from the moment I met you last year, you and Ace were a package deal. And now, all of a sudden, you don’t sit by each other in class. You don’t go to parties together. You’re strangers.”
I open my mouth to deflect again, but something in me cracks. And instead, I whisper, “We’re not okay.”
“Damn.” Her mouth turns down at the corners, but her eyes are unsurprised. “I figured. And also…Finn might have told me some things.”
I swallow against the lump rising in my throat.
Scottie doesn’t push. She sits there with me in the silence, letting it stretch out between us.
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally admit. “I don’t even know what happened.”
Scottie frowns, and I redirect my lie toward the path labeled reality.
“Okay, that’s not true. I do know what happened, but I don’t know how to deal with it.
The fight between us…it’s a long time coming and brutal in the most unshakable form.
I want to forgive and forget. My body longs for it.
But I know I shouldn’t.” I shake my head.
Without context, I must sound baffling. “Anyway, I know that’s vague, but I don’t think I can talk about it right now. Not without losing it.”
“Just know…” Scottie reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “When you’re ready to hash out the details, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Scottie.” I try to lift my lips into a smile but fail miserably. “It might not seem like I appreciate that, but I do.”
“Oh, what?” she teases. “You think your current state of resting bitch face isn’t showcasing your true emotions?”
A small laugh bubbles up from my lungs. “I don’t know why my face does that. It’s either giving friendly or I-might-want-to-kill-you.”
Scottie grins. “Don’t worry, I know and love the true woman behind the RBF. She’s one of the sweetest, kindest, supportive, most loyal friends there is.”
Her words are meant as a compliment, as reassurance, but they might as well be sharpened nails that slice my chest right open. I don’t feel like I’m any of those things right now. Not to Drew. Not to Ace.
My mind races over the current facts of my situation.
And it feels pretty dang dismal when I start stacking everything up.
Drew is my boyfriend, but I’m not exactly all in to the relationship.
We’ve kissed, but that’s about it. And that’s really freaking weird because we’re not in middle school.
We’re in college. We’re in college, and I’m basically abstinent…
from my boyfriend. And not loyal at all because even though Ace initiated the kiss in my apartment, I very much kissed him back.
Ace told me he was in love with me. And I can imagine from his POV, he feels like I rejected him. Which doesn’t feel like anything remotely sweet or kind or supportive.
What if I was too hard on him?
“Hey, so,” Scottie says, dragging me out of my own head. “I have some news.”
I clear my throat and sit up straighter. “Yeah?”
“It’s about my surgery,” she updates. “After all the testing, Dr. Raines thinks I’m a great candidate, and I’ve decided I’m going to do it. In November. It’s scheduled for the Monday before Thanksgiving.”
“Oh my God, Scottie.” There’s shit in my life that very much feels like a dumpster fire, but nothing, and I mean nothing, can compare to what my girl Scottie has been through.
Right now, her stuff is way more important than my stuff.
“That’s incredible. And a really big deal.
Huge, huge deal. Are you…excited? Nervous?
I can’t even imagine the emotions you have to be going through. ”
“I’m terrified, but…excited. I’m ready, you know?” she says, and her mouth twitches up like she might be afraid to fully smile. “I’m ready to do the damn thing.”
“You’re brave,” I say and mean it. I reach out and squeeze her hand. “So fucking brave.”
She squeezes back. “Thanks.”
We talk a little more about her surgery, but eventually, she needs to go to do something with Finn and his brother Reece. So, we pay the check and head out of Zip’s.
The air is cool and crisp on my face as we move down the sidewalk. It’s that in-between stretch where fall hasn’t committed yet but summer’s starting to let go.
“You good?” Scottie asks before she heads in the other direction to Finn’s and her apartment.
“Yeah,” I lie again. “I’ll see you later.”
I finish the three-block walk to my apartment, but once I’m up the elevator and on my floor, instead of going into my apartment, I stop outside his door.
The paint is still chipped on the bottom corner from where Yoko got a little too excited. There’s a faint scratch across the doorframe I remember from when his dad helped him move a couch inside. And somehow, the silence on the other side of the door is louder than noise.
I don’t knock. I can’t knock. I…stand there.
Eventually, I turn and go into my apartment.
Yoko greets me like the wild man that he is, and once I give him some treats and pets, I cuddle with him on the couch.
The TV is on, but my mind is still in the hallway, standing outside Ace’s door.
My phone is in my hand before I even realize it, and I’m typing up a message inside the eerily silent chat with Ace.
I hate this.
Delete.
Are we ever going to talk?
Delete.
I miss you. I hate that we’re not okay. I don’t want it to be like this, Ace. I really don’t. Can we…talk?
Before I hit send, I open Instagram. Sadly, it’s the only place I still see him. And yes, I’m aware this is very stalker-esque behavior.
There’s a new photo that he’s tagged in. A blurry, too-dark party pic. Ace is in the center, mid-laugh, and a girl with glitter under her eyes is kissing his cheek. Her hand is wrapped possessively around the back of his neck.
He looks happy. Too happy.
I use two fingers to zoom in like a fool. Like it matters. Like if I look hard enough, I’ll find some sign he’s not as okay as he looks in the photo.
But all I see is a girl kissing Ace’s cheek and him smiling into the camera like he’s enjoying it.
And I go back to my text thread with Ace and delete the last unsent message I wrote.
Even if you were too hard on him, looks like it might be too late to take it back now…