Chapter 10 #2
I drifted over so I was straddling his lap. I cupped his face. “I’m sorry, Tav.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t know. It’s not your fault. I know you didn’t even mean it, not really, but I couldn’t seem to stop the panic.” His eyes drifted to the side. “It was… all-consuming.”
“You had a panic attack. And I take some responsibility for that. I understand the difference, and I should have watched your body language more closely.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Really?”
“Yeah, really. I’m not a sadist, Tav. I like to be in control during sex, but I want that control given to me. It’s a gift and the last thing I want to do is break it.” I brushed my lips over his. “I thought I broke you.”
He pressed into the kiss, his hands circling my waist to rest on my lower back. Then he shoved his face into my chest, licking up a drop of water. “You probably could break me, Con, but it’d take more than that to do it.”
I didn’t respond to his words because I didn’t know how. He’d just given that to me, that power to break him. Part of me didn’t want it. I should have climbed out of that tub right then, told him to put on his clothes and walk out. Never come back.
But I didn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut and held him closer, thankful it was me who held that power, because I didn’t trust anyone else with him.
I ran my hands through the wet strands of Tav’s hair as his breath coasted over the wet skin of my chest. His big body was at rest now, muscles loose.
His fingers rubbed slow circles on my lower back, and every once in a while his tongue would dart out to lick at my nipple, which made him murmur in contentment.
Eventually, he closed his lips around the hardened bud and sucked softly with his eyes closed.
Something had shifted inside of me when I’d spotted him huddled on my balcony.
Despite the glaring alarm bells surrounding Tav, I didn’t care anymore.
I’d spent the last ten years saving people, and sometimes I forgot why it mattered.
I often wondered if I was making any sort of difference in the end.
I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, but I believed in my own soul or at least I used to.
Tav was a soul I could save, and I was no longer willing to sit back passively and wait for him.
He said I had the power to break him, but he had the power to break me too, already.
I was past the point of getting out of this with my sanity.
I’d lost it to Tav that first night. So he didn’t get the choice to run from me anymore, at least not for good.
I’d give him time, but there would be no more ultimatums. I’d claw his secrets from his chest until he was an open wound that only I could fix.
Until I owned every part of him. Until I didn’t need rope because Tav was tied to me with invisible bonds.
Yeah, Tav was a soul to save. But I was pretty sure that he was the only way I could save my own soul too.
Tav
He took the same care with my wrists that he had with my face, coating them in antibacterial ointment before wrapping them with gauze and tape. They weren’t even that bad, not really. I’d had worse wounds with no care. But he seemed to want to do it, to need to do it, so I stayed silent.
Con’s face no longer had that hard edge to it.
He looked younger in the soft light of the bathroom, wearing a pair of low-slung pants and nothing else.
He was well-built but slight. He’d worn a suit that first day I met him, and he wore it well, like he had them tailored to fit him.
And based on where he lived, I assumed he had the money to custom-make a dozen suits.
I’d spent a lot of my youth thinking if I had money, I’d have everything.
And now… well, I hated it. Money was why my life was shit.
So I didn’t care about where Con lived, or what he did, or what kind of watch he wore.
He treated me like I meant something for who I was, not what I could do with my fists, and that was rare in my world.
When I was wrapped up, he led me to bed, urging me under the covers. I slid inside, my naked skin slipping on the soft sheets. Con turned off the lights and settled beside me.
It took a minute for my eyes to adjust and when they did, I rolled over. Con’s blue eyes were shining with the reflection of the moonlight. “So you’ll be here when I wake up?”
“I’ll be here when you wake up,” I said. “I can’t stay much later than that though.”
He nodded, content with that. When he kissed me, I let him take control, not wanting to think anymore. I wanted him to make me forget about my panic attack, make me forget about the feeling of being trapped, helpless.
He ran his hands over my body, fingering the scars on my skin. He prepared me with skilled fingers and entered me slowly, facing me. I gripped his wrists, which were planted in the bed on either side of my head and moved with his rhythm, clamping my knees around his hips.
“Feel me, Tav?” His lips glistened, wet from our kisses.
“Yeah,” I said, as he changed the angle of his hips, brushing my prostate with the tip of his cock.
“You let me in here. Remember that,” he whispered. “You gave this to me.”
Something about his tone fired off a warning shot in my head. His conviction speared through me with every thrust of his cock in my body. But I was too weak tonight to resist anything that came to Con.
My voice sounded more like a sob than a pleasured moan as I gave in. “Yes.” I strained as the orgasm began to build.
“And I’m taking it,” he said, his face lined with determination. “I’m taking it all, and I’m keeping it.”
He couldn’t know what he was asking, that I didn’t have enough to give him and still keep myself alive. But in that moment, I couldn’t speak. I could only feel. He was filling up the husk of my soul, and yet I’d never felt so light.
We came with muffled groans, him in my neck, me in his hair.
After he disposed of the condom and crawled back into bed with me, I tugged him to my chest. We fell asleep with tangled legs, pressed together, breathing in each other’s air.
I should have been panicked over his words, but instead I convinced myself he only meant sex, that he wasn’t claiming any other part of me but my body.
And I rationalized that maybe I could handle that.
Maybe I could somehow live half a life if it was with Con.