Chapter 29 #2
He blew out a plume of smoke. “You would have reveled in this life.” His eyes shone bright in the light of the bare bulbs.
“We would have fucked and fought and loved so hard, Conrad.” He wrapped his fingers around his neck and squeezed.
“You would have collared and leashed me. I can almost feel it now.” His eyes went half-mast, and he swayed as a soft smile played on his lips.
“You’d have a collection of things to make me hurt, and you would put me on my knees so good whenever I was bad. ”
My gut churned at the thought of wielding a whip across Devlin’s skin—anyone’s skin. I met plenty of people in my life who were into that, and I didn’t kink-shame. But I wasn’t into that. I never would be. I had a dominant streak and liked to be in control, but I wasn’t a Dominant with a capital D.
This life he had built up in his mind—that would have never been us. We would have crashed and burned. I would have broken both of us, maybe even more than I broke Devlin back then.
I’d been so sure that I could have changed this outcome, that one different conversation could have been the butterfly effect to stop Devlin on this trajectory.
No matter when Ben and Nik had said. No matter how Tav had pleaded with me not to let the guilt consume me.
But I couldn’t be told. I needed to see it for myself.
I needed to feel it. And now, with Devlin sitting in front of my caged and battered form, I finally saw clarity.
Devlin was always going to have a villain in his life, someone to blame.
And that villain was me. For a while it’d been Tav.
It would always be someone or something to give Devlin a purpose and reason to be who he was.
Maybe he could have been different once, if he had another father or friends or someone who could have controlled him.
But he hadn’t, and so he was this, and that wasn’t my fault.
I shook my head, although the small action hurt.
“No, Devlin. I would never have lived this life with you. Ever. I’m not sure you even know me at all.
I’m not into inflicting pain, and I don’t want to collar anyone.
I’m just someone you looked up to as a kid, and when I rejected you, blaming me was easier than confronting why you act the way you do. ”
Devlin went deathly still. His cigarette burned where it hung loosely between his fingers.
I imagined him reaching through the cage bars and putting it out on my skin.
I wouldn’t put it past him. Devlin always got violent when he was hurt, and I’d hurt him now.
Again. But I couldn’t do this anymore, I couldn’t live my life acting responsible for a grown man who knew better.
And Devlin did know better. He might have some ideal of Conrad in his head, but I knew Devlin.
He had been so good once, so needy and eager to follow rules.
But his childhood had been chaotic, and his boundaries were never firm.
He acted out, and I was the only one who gave him any stability.
But I’d been just a kid myself then. I wasn’t sure what Devlin needed, or if there was anyone who could get through to him, but it wasn’t me.
“You wouldn’t have been able to change me like that, Devlin. Just like I would never have been able to change you.” I said the words out loud and they settled into my soul. For the first time in my life, I believed them.
Devlin stared at me for a long time before he slowly dropped the cigarette butt on the floor and ground it beneath his boots.
He rose and wiped his hands before staring down at me, a snarl forming on his lips.
“You’re right.” He laughed cruelly and speared his fingers through his hair as his body began to vibrate.
My words were penetrating now, all of them body blows.
“You’re really fucking pathetic, aren’t you?
Just a piece of shit who gets off forcing another man to his knees but who can’t go all the way. ”
I let the insults roll off my back. I didn’t care what he thought of me. Not anymore. Hell, I could barely concentrate on what he was saying as waves of pain wracked my body.
Until he said Tav’s name.
“Is that why Husk does it for you?” He crouched down on the balls of his feet, twirling a knife in his hands. Where had he gotten a knife? I eyed it cautiously. “Is he a good little bitch for you? I bet he doesn’t even fight, because you wouldn’t like that. You just want some obedient slut, huh?”
I ground my jaw and then regretted it when my teeth ached.
“You want to know where you are? You’re in the same basement where I held Husk five years ago.”
I closed my eyes and let a different kind of pain wash over me. I had suspected this might be the same place, but the confirmation stung.
“I made him pay, Conrad. I broke him down here. I gave him pain. You can play house all you want, but a part of me will always have a hold of him.”
That wasn’t true. Tav was resilient and strong. He only feared Devlin because of the threat to his sister. And he didn’t break him. He didn’t break him at all, because Tav was stronger than Devlin. Than this basement and this city. Than me.
Feeling defiant, I lifted my eyes to meet his.
And that was a mistake, because Devlin smiled, big and bright and evil.
“Oh, feeling brave?” He leaned closer, so that his lips nearly kissed the bars of my cage.
“I’ll break you too, Conrad,” he said softly.
“And then I’ll send you back in pieces to Husk.
He’ll have to live with knowing that you’re gone because he betrayed me. ”
He walked up the stairs without another word.
The door shut behind him, and I fought to breathe through the pain in my head, my chest, and most of all, in the pulsing beat of my heart.
I had to survive this. Tav might have broken once, but I’d pieced him back together.
He’d do the same for me. I just had to survive.