17. 15.
15.
Sebastian
I eliminate Mackenzie next.
The whole affair is very clinical. I know once upon a time I complained about how mechanical it all felt, but I don’t care anymore.
Anya says because of what happened to Isla, they will split the round of dates into two episodes. I will have a sweet elimination with Isla where we both explain in separate interviews there was no chemistry and then another episode with the rest of the girls, where I’ll eliminate Mackenzie.
When I cross my arms and ask if Anya is trying to decide who I select, she tells me my date with Mackenzie was horrible and I can’t possibly justify keeping her after that.
I barely remember that date. I remember Mackenzie being horrible as usual, but mostly I remember the absence of Callie. I remember looking everywhere to see a glimpse of her brown hair while Mackenzie went on and on about something or another.
Today isn’t much different. We have a group date to fill the gap between eliminations and it’s excruciating. I play around in my head about eliminating someone else just to fuck with Anya, but I can’t hear Mackenzie’s voice anymore.
By the end of the night, she’s gone, and it’s one last thing to worry about. I barely remember the elimination.
Well, besides when she pushed me and told me I was going to regret it.
I kept a straight face and said, “Maybe.” Because what else can one say to that? She didn’t like my agreeable nature and trotted off in a tantrum.
Vera, Grace, Maya, and Abby remain. The host smiles and talks to the camera. The girls hug each other like it’s some sort of celebration and I feel my mouth dry.
I want out.
I desperately want out. My eyes scan the sitting room where we are having the elimination ceremony. Maverick’s scenes were delayed another day, as Anya can’t stop reminding me.
Callie is chatting with the assistant director, but I know she can feel the weight of my gaze. Her posture changes, her hands come to the back of her neck like it’s right there that I’m kissing.
I've been holding myself since she left the pantry when no one was watching and ran to the backdoor, just to stroll in after and say good morning to everyone like nothing had happened.
I wasn’t that theatrical. I just went over and got myself a cup of tea, like strolling around with no shirt among the crew was something I did every day.
Sometime in the afternoon, Callie was able to take a shower and thank God for that. I couldn’t hold myself back when I knew she must smell like me.
It’s a hunger, a desperation that threatens to take over, but in the back of my mind, I pray to be rational.
I need to take Callie and me out of this mess.
In a less dramatic sense than faking my death or other helpful suggestions from Maverick. When we are wrapping up and I know I have the rest of the night free, after such a long day, I make a beeline for Anya.
I don’t know how to fix anything, but I know Anya is the key to everything. She seems to run the show more than the showrunner himself, and her patience is thin.
Before I’m even in front of her, she calls, “Do you need anything, Mr. Riggs?” without looking at me.
“I certainly do.” I feel she’ll appreciate my directness.
Like I imagined, her head goes up, and she faces me, even if wary. I step closer, looking to my right and left, not missing Callie’s alarmed face when she sees me talking to her boss.
“Who’s next?”
“Excuse me?” She crosses her arm in front of her chest.
“Soon I will eliminate another one. Only three girls go to the finale. I’m asking who.”
“I don’t know, Mr. Riggs. Why don’t you ask your heart?”
I chuckle, because I can’t stop myself. The woman can’t be bullshitted, and while not dilly-dallying over a subject goes against my very English upbringing, I do it for Callie.
“Tell me your impressions. Your outsider view.”
“Mr. Riggs, why would you think I would ever offer guidance of any type?”
“So, should I eliminate Vera?”
Her teeth grit. “If you’re in love with someone else.”
Yes, I am, but you won’t like the answer .
Instead of antagonizing her even more, I breathe deeply, pinching the bridge of my nose as I lower my voice once more.
“I’m thinking Grace. I get along better with the other three.”
“Very well.” She dips her chin.
I know I need to leave it alone. I do not know what I accomplished during this conversation. I want Anya’s trust. I want to figure out if she’ll crucify Callie or if she’ll understand. But as it is, I’ve learned nothing.
“I thought you believed in love,” she calls after I turn my back.
“I do.”
“I have horrendous stories about Sebastian if you ladies want to hear!” Maverick booms like the king of the party.
“Don’t you dare,” I say, but with an affectionate chuckle.
The girls swarm him with questions. They want to know about my childhood, my family, and everything in between. Maverick tells them all the pre-approved stories about my childhood, and I’m happy to take a step back.
In front of the cameras, my friend flourishes. All the girls love him, and it’s the first time I’m completely relaxed around them.
A small marquee was raised in the garden, complete with a barman and refreshing cocktails. And even though there’s a bitter wind, the skies are clear, and I almost believe it’s a summer garden party.
“You lot ready to move to England?” he asks.
While most of them nod agreeable, Vera tsks. “Well, it’s a serious conversation to have.”
I nod. “Some people have very important jobs.”
Vera swats my shoulder. “And it’s cold here!” she says and the other girls agree and talk about their experiences since their arrival.
Where to live is a great discussion that I’ll happily have with Callie and Callie alone.
I let Maverick entertain the girls as I nurse one drink. By ten at night, they are tired, and the shooting officially stops. We say our goodnights and they all hug Maverick like old friends.
The cameras are down, and people are still moving about, but Maverick puts a beer in my hand before I say anything.
“They are lovely.”
I nod, almost melancholically. “They are great.”
He inhales and turns off his microphone and I follow his lead. Looking around, he asks, “Where’s your girl?”
“Shut it,” I say, without looking for Callie.
“Nah, they are all busy. Point her way.”
My elbows are resting on my knees, the longneck dangling between my fingers. I let my gaze wander and find Callie in the crowd.
There she is.
Talking fast on the walkie-talkie, pointing in different directions, and answering many questions at the same time. The girl thrives every time she’s on set. An invisible hand squeezes my heart.
“I can’t fuck this up,” I say so low even Maverick has trouble catching my words.
After a second of looking at Callie, he turns away, his eyes wide open like he’s seeing me for the first time.
“I wasn’t dooming you.”
I clear my throat instead of responding.
“I just wanted you to see how much of a big deal this is.” He keeps talking. “Mate, if you say she’s your girl, she’s your girl. And we can think of ways to get her for you.”
I stare at my friend and force a small nod. His hand lands with a powerful slap on my back. “Here’s a lad. Now,” and to the surprise of everyone, especially mine, he bellows. “Callie!”
I almost swallow my tongue, my alarm difficult to hide. I practically can hear the beating of Callie’s heart as she comes to us. She tries to hide any emotion, but I can read her well.
“Sebastian here says it was you who delivered every flower bouquet I sent,” he says loud enough to be overheard.
“Well, apparently it was my job to be Riggs’ delivery girl,” she replies with all that sassiness that makes me crazy.
My mouth curves and Maverick nods. “Well, you better sit down and tell me about his reactions in detail.”
Maverick points to the chair at the front, and that’s when Callie falters. She looks on both sides, but someone from the crew comes to the rescue.
“You have a beer, Sosa,” he says. “Save one for me.”
She nods, relieved. Sitting down and grabbing a drink, my girl smiles coyly. “He cried each time.”
“You don’t say? Sebastian has always been the sensitive one.”
Callie nods effusively. “It’s rare to see a man in tears with no provocation.”
“It’s freeing to hear.”
“Oh, sobbing over the roses.” Callie continues. “Once, he held the flowers and sang to--”
“Ok, ok…” I interrupt them. “That’s enough from you both.”
“I spend my hard-earned money lavishing you with lovely pressies, and that’s what you have to say?”
“Thank you for the flowers, Maverick. I’m actually upset you haven’t sent any since I’m back.”
“He only takes,” Maverick turns to Callie. “Never gives.”
“Oh, I’m giving,” I say with a smirk.
“Well, I won’t get into that,” Maverick murmurs.
Surprising me, instead of feeling uncomfortable, Callie laughs away, clinking her bottle to Maverick’s.
“I’m going to like you, Maverick.”
I meet Devi, Dora, and a bunch more people who ended up getting one last drink before tucking in. My heart feels light. I’m happy I can just hang out with Callie without lurking in the shadows. It feels like before, when our banter was easy. Before I decided she was mine.
Maverick fits into any crowd. His arms open to the back of the comfortable couch, the set crew gave up on tidying up the place and sat down for a drink too. And for a moment, I dare to wish this was it. That I was a regular bloke in love with a girl and having drinks with her friends.
I can’t say The Final Rose is the worst decision I ever made. It was probably the best. But sometimes it’s hard to look at the logo without wincing.
“Maybe you should hire me as your manager.” Maverick taps my knee. “Just to sort through the fan letters.”
“Excuse me?”
“The teaser came out today,” Devi explains, and before I have a chance to ask, someone shoves a device in my face and it’s already playing when I turn to have a proper look.
Starts like any other season’s teaser, with the voiceover from the host: “The fairy tale begins…”
Shots of the best angles of the mansion flash. Then the first group of girls. Mackenzie says, “I hope he’s handsome.”
And then someone gasps. Another girl I can’t identify says, “Oh my god!” in a staged whisper.
The screen changes to the interviews set back in the mansion. Vera is smiling at the camera and she says, “I just want to fall in love.”
My stomach plummets, but I don’t have time to react as the teaser is still going, talking about the twelve girls, showing shots of them looking nothing but magnificent.
Finally, it’s my feet coming down the main stairs. The camera pans from my shoes until it finally reaches my torso. I’m fixing my cufflinks like a proper knob with the grossest smile on my lips: “Hello, ladies.”
Sparkles, The Final Rose .
I keep the device in my hands for longer than necessary. It’s not exactly bad. No. It’s quite on-brand, actually.
Yet, I have to hold myself together not to cringe.
For the first time, I wonder what the girls are saying between themselves. They are on camera all the time, from morning until night. They sleep together and share all kinds of conversations while I only interact with them on scheduled dates.
They share an intimacy that I don’t have with any of them. It’s clear that they got closer as the months went by and it comes to me now that they might have a different perspective of this show.
People comment on the teaser, they shake hands, happy about how good it all looks, and make a toast to the best season yet.
Like he senses my mood going down, Maverick faces me with a serious expression, “Listen, I wasn’t happy about that sleazy smile, either.”
I can’t help but chuckle, and then I drink a little more and hope to forget.
It’s way past anyone’s bedtime when we are done. I wouldn’t think it would be ok for us to stay so late drinking, but the only thing they complained about was the possibility of an early morning.
I watch them filing in and Maverick stays back with me. I feel bad for the girls too. They went to bed too early, and it almost felt like we were keeping them away.
Callie is holding on to Dora. They are laughing and talking, barely noticing the world around them. Another crew member comes around and takes Doris into his arms, claiming she’s a lousy drunk, but it’s all in good nature.
The floor clears out soon, and Callie looks back at me and Maverick, still there.
Her cheeks are rosy from the cold or alcohol, and her hair is unkempt under the beanie. I can’t explain how perfect this woman is.
She’s small and sweet, voracious and strong. She’s so many things I can’t barely keep up.
She slices me open with a look. She can tear my chest apart in a second. No one ever had that much power over me.
Maverick slaps my back. “Go on, then.” He’s not even finished and I’m already walking.
I see he’s following, but my eyes are on Callie. She’s hanging beside the back door, her eyes sparkling from the garden lights. I stop in front of her, and I say nothing.
“Goodnight, Cals.” Maverick comes behind me. Callie smiles up at him and mouths goodnight.
Maverick goes up the stairs as Callie’s mouth turns down into a line.
“We can’t stay here alone,” she says, but like me, she doesn’t move.
“We were all drinking late. Everyone was together.”
“Here…” I tug her arm, pulling her inside the house and closing the backdoor after me.
There’s no point standing in the cold.
The lights are out in the spacious sitting room, our faces illuminated only by the lights outside. It feels like a bad omen that we can only be together in the darkness.
“I need to go to bed,” Callie whispers. “I share a room with the other--”
I kiss her. She’s right, she’s always right. But I watched her for a full day and night, wanting nothing but to kiss and hold her and I can't take it anymore.
Callie melts in my arms, setting herself free for just a second. We kiss, and it’s perfect. The blood rushes through my veins and I want more.
I need to fuck her again. As animalistic as it sounds, the need is strong. I’m tired of sneaking out and pretending I'm not in love with Callie Sosa.
She ends the kiss, massaging her temple as she shakes her head. “This is insane.”
I rub her arms, wishing I could banish the bad thoughts out of her head. “I know it’s not ideal…”
“Not ideal doesn’t begin to cover, Sebastian!”
“I’m working on a way.”
“There’s no way. Not without me losing my job.”
My hands go to her face, and I angle it up. “I won’t let this hurt you. You won’t lose your job.”
“I lose something either way.” She says in the most heartbreaking way, her eyes going moist before she shakes from my hold and hides her emotions.
“Callie, can you please believe me? I’m telling you I’ll find a way. You won’t lose your job. And you won’t lose me.”
It’s important that she understands it. I can’t fix things around us when I think she’s a fly risk.
“I want to believe it,” she confesses. “I want nothing but to believe everything is going to work out. But Sebastian, this is bad. As bad and career damaging as it could be.”
“I will find a way. We aren’t doing anything wrong!”
She scoffs and steps away. I feel the cold in my bones. I’m losing her.
“Callie…”
“It’s on me,” she says firmly. “I’m the one who needs to decide what I can live without.”
This is my chance to be altruistic. To tell her I’ll leave her alone and she can go and live her life and never hear from me again.
But I don’t want to leave her alone. I take her hands again, tugging her into my arms and she can’t help but to come.
“Just give me time. And faith. That’s all I’m asking.”
Her lips part and I’m holding my breath for an answer. Something out there makes a noise. Probably something fell with all the drunk people around. Callie jumps away from me, but I hold her still. My hand on her chin, I can’t let her go without an answer.
“Time and faith, Callie. That’s all I’m asking.”
And she finally nods. First, it’s like she only wants me to let her go, but her eyes chase mine. They are filled with emotion, and I know she’s putting all her faith in me.
I release a calming breath, my arms around her go soft and she steps away.
I trace her features with my eyes. The high cheekbones, the small curve of her chin. Deep brown eyes and the cutest little nose. She gives me only a second more, watching under her eyelashes, and then she’s gone.
Disappeared. Up the stairs and out of sight.
I rake my hand over my head and give her a minute head start. Eventually, I go to my bedroom, climbing the stairs like it’s a sacrifice.
My mind is in turmoil when I close the bedroom door behind me. I asked for time and faith, but it can’t be that much time. We can’t be like this much longer.
I’m still fully dressed when I hear the knock on my door.
A fire lights up and I pray to all the gods it’s Callie. She’s giving me a night. A couple of hours in bed.
I open the door to the dark hallway, but isn’t Callie looking back at me in an emerald green housecoat. It’s not the soft brown eyes I’m used to and not the messy hair.
It’s Vera.
“I know you’re having an affair with Callie Sosa.”