Chapter Thirty-Two
Thirty-Two
Jack
It’s the first game of the second round, and for the first time since I found out about my diagnosis, I’m feeling pretty great about it.
The guys are still gearing up in the locker room when I get out of Coach’s office, and I can feel myself still buzzing a little bit over our talk.
Between that and the knowledge that Abby is out there in the stands today, I feel better about the game than I have in weeks.
“Usually when you’re smiling like that, I should be worried,” Ian says from the lockers.
I flash him an even wider grin. “For once, I think you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“Except for the fact that you’ve been doing unspeakable things to my sister,” he grumbles.
I bark out a laugh. “First of all—pot, meet kettle. Second…It’s been a week since you found out. You’d think you’d be getting used to the idea by now.”
“Are you used to the idea of me and Lila together yet?”
I consider it, tilting my head back and forth in thought before finally saying, “You know? I think I might be.”
“Who are you, and what have you done with Jack?”
“I don’t know if you know this about me,” I tell him, “but I’m what some people would call emotionally mature.”
Ian rolls his eyes. “Sure you are.” He stares at me then, looking concerned. “How did the talk with Coach go?”
“It went…well,” I say. “I feel good about it.”
“And this is what you really want?”
“It is,” I tell him truthfully. “I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m good with it. Really.”
He pats my shoulder. “As long as you’re okay, I’m happy for you, man.” He wrinkles his nose. “One of these days, maybe I’ll be able to say I’m happy for you and Abby without gagging.”
“If you two are done hugging it out over here,” Jankowski butts in, “we sort of have a game to win.”
Ian gives me a look like he’s still unsure about how I’m feeling, but I just nod back at him, reaching to clap him on the shoulder in encouragement. “Go on,” I tell him. “I’ll be right out.”
The room clears out with shouts and jeers and all-around sounds of male testosterone, but I hang back to look around the place that’s housed me for almost a decade.
I’ve bled, sweat, and shed tears in this room, and I know that it will always be a part of me, but for the first time since the emergency room doctor gave me that fateful news, I’m not feeling like I’m missing something.
Maybe that’s because I have a better understanding of what I have now.
I tap my knuckles against my locker before I head down the chute after the team, hearing the roar of the crowd as I near the entrance and taking a deep breath before I step out just behind the home bench.
It feels strange, I have to admit, watching my team take the ice without me, but the misery and uncertainty I’ve been hanging on to are just…
gone. I can’t say if that means they’re gone forever, or if that means that one day I’ll feel that regret again, but right now… I feel at peace with everything.
It’s a really great way to feel, turns out.
People stop to gush over me as I make my way through the stands, and I give them all a polite interaction as quickly as I’m able so I can continue to make my way to where I want to be.
I can see her blond waves from a few paces away; I notice the way she laughs at something Dee has just said.
Kyle is seated to Dee’s left, practically bouncing in his seat as the Druids warm up around the rink.
I probably should have told Abby my plans before coming out here tonight, but something in me wanted it to be a surprise.
I can tell that it is when she finally looks up and notices me—her eyes going wide and her lips forming a small o as she cranes her neck to look at me from the other side of where Dee is sitting.
Dee turns her head to look at me too then, her brows shooting up as I approach.
“Jack?” Abby asks. “What are you doing out here?”
I take the seat to her right, plopping down and reaching for her hand to thread my fingers through hers.
“What are you doing?” she presses, glancing around us where the crowd has started to take notice.
“I’m telling people that you’re mine,” I tell her, offering her a smile. “It’s about time everyone knew.”
“But what are you doing out here?”
Dee leans in then, getting our attention. “I think I’m going to take Kyle to get a snack,” she says. “You guys want anything?”
Abby shakes her head at the same time I do, still looking confused. Dee shoots me a surreptitious thumbs-up from behind Abby’s head, taking Kyle’s hand and leading him through the stands toward the concession.
“I don’t understand,” Abby says. “Why aren’t you playing?”
“Because I scheduled the surgery,” I tell her. “It’s next week. I’m out for the rest of the season.”
Her lips part in surprise. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted it to be a surprise?”
“Well, color me surprised.”
“Are you mad?”
“Mad? What?” She shakes her head. “Of course I’m not mad. I want whatever you want. I just didn’t know you’d made this decision.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot,” I admit. “And I mean, I could probably finish out the season. Risk fucking my arm up even more but make it to the conference finals. But I think I finally realized, I don’t need it as bad as I thought I did.”
Her gaze softens. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I answer. “This is what I want.”
“And what will you do after?”
“Well, it’s funny you mention that, because I just had a long talk with Coach before the game started.”
“What did he say?”
“We talked about the possibility of me coming on as an assistant coach next year.”
Her eyes widen. “Jack, that’s amazing!”
And it is, I think. It’s not something I saw for myself, but the more I think about it, it feels like a natural progression for my career. I love my team, I love the game, and positions like this don’t just fall out of the sky.
“We talked about me eventually taking over for him in a few years,” I go on.
She throws her arms around my neck, wincing when she catches her bad arm but still holding me tight as she whispers, “I’m really proud of you.”
“Thanks,” I say. “I’m kind of proud of me too.”
She leans back, grinning at me with that smile that makes my insides feel warm and gooey, and I can’t help but press my hand to her cheek, pulling her in to feather my lips against hers.
I can hear the crowd around us start to whoop and holler, and there’s a good chance this is up on a jumbotron somewhere, but right now, I can’t find it in me to care.
Kind of wish I could see Ian’s face right now.
“I have something I wanted to tell you too,” Abby says as she pulls away.
“Yeah?”
She looks a little nervous about whatever she’s going to say, chewing on the inside of her lip as she covers my hand with hers.
“I was talking to Lila just now,” she starts. “And…Well.”
She frowns as her brow furrows, and I can’t pretend there’s not a tremor of my own nerves that passes through me at her tone. “What is it?”
“I think I’m going to take their spare bedroom in the new place until my apartment is fixed.”
All at once, it feels like the bottom of my stomach falls out. “You’re moving out? Why? What did I do wrong?”
“Hey.” She reaches to place her palms on my cheeks, leaning in so I can hear her better as her eyes bore into mine. “You did nothing wrong. That’s not why.”
“Then why?”
I start to feel that familiar edge of panic rising in me. Moments ago, it felt like I had everything I ever wanted, and now Abby is telling me that she’s leaving.
“Because I love you,” she tells me, “and I want to do this right.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve shared a place the entire time we’ve been building this relationship,” she says.
“We haven’t had a chance to really get to know each other with any kind of space between us.
I want to do this for real. I want you to pick me up for dates and come over for dinner and have all the things I’ve never had before.
We can’t do that if we’re living together.
There’s no way to grow as a couple if we spend our entire budding relationship right on top of each other. ”
I can’t help it then, my lips quirking at her choice of phrase.
She rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“It just feels like I did something wrong,” I admit.
“You did nothing wrong,” she says again.
“There’s no wrong or right here. There’s just me doing what I think is necessary to give us a real chance.
It’s not healthy for me to be codependent with you this early on.
I need to find a way to take care of myself if there’s any way for me to learn how to let you take care of me. Does that make sense?”
There’s still a part of me that feels fear at the idea of her leaving, but a larger part of me understands what she’s saying.
And she’s right, probably. I would never want to do anything that might jeopardize this thing between us, and if this is what she thinks we need to make sure it prospers, then I’m inclined to give it to her without a fuss.
“My little shrink,” I chuckle. “Always hitting me with logic.”
“But one day,” she says, “I’m going to want you to ask me to move back in.”
“Move back in,” I say immediately.
She cocks an eyebrow, looking like she’s trying to hold back a smile. “When you think we’re ready.”
“You’re letting me decide?”
“I am,” she says. “Because again, I want to do this the right way, and I trust you. I want you to ask me when you know for sure that we’re not going anywhere.
I want you to ask me when you know that there’s no possible way you’ll ever change your mind about me.
” She presses a finger to my lips when I open them to protest, giving me a serious expression.
“And maybe you think that now, but I want you to be sure when you ask me. Because when I move back in, I want that to be it for us. I want to move back in knowing that I’m it for you, that I never have to worry about losing you.
That we’re forever—and you can’t possibly know that right now. Not after six weeks. Understand?”
I want to argue with her, want to tell her that I can absolutely know that for sure after so little time, but I can sense where she’s coming from.
This is all so new for her, and she’s had so much disappointment in her life…
She wants to make sure that what we have will never be added to that list. And if I’ve learned one thing in all my time with her…
it’s that I’m inclined to give her whatever she wants.
And I know that part of her is right, deep down.
We have done all of this backwards. She’s never gotten to have that giddy feeling when I showed up to pick her up for a date.
She’s never gotten to kiss me good night when I’ve dropped her off at home.
There are a myriad of things Abby has never gotten to experience when it comes to being loved, and I want to make sure she gets to have every single one.
“Okay,” I tell her. “You’re right.”
She immediately looks relieved. “Really?”
“I mean, I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I get it. I do. And I want you to have that security when I ask you again. I want you to know for sure that I’m not going anywhere.”
“I hope you don’t,” she says, her expression softening.
I pull her knuckles to my lips, pressing a kiss there. “Never.”
The crowd around us starts to get rowdy again, and when I glance up, I notice that Abby and I are on the jumbotron, that everyone in the arena just saw me kiss her hand like this was some sort of period piece, no doubt seeing exactly how besotted with her I am.
And again, I find I absolutely don’t care.
I throw my arm around her neck and pull her into my side, smacking a heavy kiss on her cheek for good measure as another roar passes through the crowd.
“Everyone is staring at us!” Abby squeals.
“Don’t worry, lover,” I tell her. “They’re just jealous.”
“Of me, maybe,” she scoffs.
I leave another kiss at her temple. “No, definitely of me.”
She turns her face up to look at me just as everyone in the stands gets on their feet to cheer for the Druids who are starting to line up for the face-off. She pulls her lower lip between her teeth worriedly. “Everything is going to be okay, right?”
I can only smile back at her—a real smile, not one that’s hiding pain or tears—and for the first time in a long time, it really does feel like everything is going to be okay.
For the first time, it doesn’t feel like my life is ending.
It feels like it’s just beginning.
“Yeah,” I say against her ear, pulling her to her feet so we can join the screaming crowd. “Everything is going to be just fine.”