29. Zahra #2
The food I ate doesn’t sit well with his admission. “Are you serious? That’s disgusting! Why would you pay her off? She’s the one in the wrong.”
“Because I wasn’t going to risk it. A tape like that could be devastating if it got out, so we paid her to stay quiet and turn it over.”
I can’t do anything but stare at him.
He lets out a bitter laugh. I’ve never heard it before, and I hope I don’t hear it again because it makes my entire body chilled to the bone. “That was only my first experience. College was full of shit but even that was tame compared to adulthood.”
“Oh God. There are things worse than blackmail?” Seriously, I thought money meant security, but realistically, it only further complicates life.
He nods. “I’ve dealt with it all. Women stabbing sealed condoms with safety pins when they thought I wasn’t looking. Someone trying to drug my drink at a bar. There was this one ti—”
I wave my hand. “How can you talk about this like it doesn’t bother you?”
He frowns. “Because I got to a point where I learned to expect it from other people. You can’t be bothered by something you already anticipate happening.”
“I thought these kinds of things only happened in movies.” I don’t know what makes me more ill—the idea of Rowan with another woman or a woman trying to purposefully trap him with a baby.
“I’m only scraping the surface. Each situation was a lesson for me—a way to prove that my brothers were right about how shitty people are.”
My lips part. “How did you survive growing up in a place like that?”
“Because you either bend to the will of monsters or you easily become the prey.”
I blink twice, waiting for the end of the joke, yet Rowan’s jaw remains clamped shut.
“Is that why you lied? Because you’re so used to people doing the same thing to you?”
There it is. The truth laid out right in front of us, waiting for his confirmation.
“I did it because I thought I was justified. I had no reason to trust you at all, and I never imagined I would feel all this.”
“Feel what?”
He lifts his glasses and rubs his eyes. “I’m bound to fuck all this up.”
I release a shaky breath. “Okay, well, try your best not to.”
He pushes his plate away from him. “My initial reason for speaking to you was selfish and cruel. I was interested in uncovering the kind of person you were. I honestly thought you were a fraud, and I wanted to prove myself right.”
His words hurt . I thought his intentions might have been misplaced but sweet, but this alternative is the worst-case scenario.
“I feel sorry for someone like you who grew up surrounded by so many vicious people. I really do.”
His upper lip curls. “There’s a reason we live by the motto money over morals .”
“There are two ways to be rich in life, and one of them has nothing to do with a bank account.”
“I see that now. I see that in you .”
My heartbeat picks up, pounding harder against my sternum as if it wants to tell Rowan it’s listening too.
His eyes remain locked on mine. “I thought you would extort me for money after that kiss. Part of me anticipated it, if only to prove you were just as selfish as the rest of us. Because how could you not want to milk me for money if I harassed you like I did? There were times I even wondered if you would attempt something else to only exacerbate the issue.”
“That’s sad, Rowan. I told you I wouldn’t do that.”
“I don’t have a good track history with trust.”
“Yeah, I see.” And it makes me so damn sad.
I walked in here expecting to not fall for anything Rowan said because in my head, I thought nothing would be good enough. But this reality…it’s tragic. The kind of life he has lived up until this point is anxiety provoking. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable any day of the year.
“You proved me wrong every time you spoke to me. You didn’t even know who I was and you were willing to make me feel like I mattered to someone.”
My whole resolve crumbles in front of me like a house of cards.
“I was proud to make your drawings. It made me feel happy to make you happy.” His voice cracks and I feel the sound straight through my heart.
His eyes find mine. “As I spent time getting to know you, I confirmed my deepest suspicion in a completely different way. You are so much more than you let on—but in a way that makes you priceless.”
Priceless? Don’t you dare cry, Zahra.
“You’re selfless, caring, and willing to go above and beyond to help those around you.
You tutor kids for free, and you bring a grumpy old man bread and cookies.
And the selfish part of me wanted to steal a piece of you for myself.
You reminded me of what it was like to not feel so damn lonely all the time, and I didn’t want to lose that. ”
How in the world can I respond to that? I don’t have a chance because Rowan keeps talking.
“I took your kindness for granted, and I abused your trust. So for that, I’m sorry.”
I blink away my tears. “What made you want to confess?”
“I couldn’t keep pretending after our day at Dreamland.
I became addicted to the way you made me feel, to the point that I couldn’t find a way to tell you who I really was.
I was afraid and I didn’t want it to end.
So, instead of giving myself up, I found ways to spend time with you as Rowan while purposefully stealing the rest of your attention as Scott.
It was a stupid idea. It was unfair of me, but I don’t regret a single thing except hurting you. ”
Wetness emerges, making my tear ducts full.
I’ve never heard Rowan talk this much, and I realize it’s such a shame.
The way he speaks…it’s beautiful. He makes me feel beautiful.
Not the superficial kind either, but in a way that makes me proud of who I am.
In a way that makes me think he cares about my soul first and foremost.
He might have lied, but his intentions behind continuing the fantasy are so damn sad that I want to cry for him. What kind of person is so lonely, they would willingly text someone with a pseudonym?
The one desperate to be loved back.
My throat tightens. “What about the buddies program?”
He groans. “God. I’m going to sound crazy.”
The corners of my lips tug up. “Maybe I like your kind of crazy.”
And I truly mean it. Anything is better than the icy exterior Rowan portrays to the world.
“I’m the one who stole all the papers except for one because I didn’t want anyone to have your number.”
My jaw drops open. “You what?” Holy shit. How far does all this go?
He removes his glasses and drags a hand down his face.
“When you caught me, I was angry at myself for feeling so stupid, and I took it out on you. But then once I showed up at the meeting, I realized what you were trying to do for people like your sister. I attended the first one for purely selfish reasons, but I stayed because I like Ani. She makes me laugh and she’s sweet, just like you. ”
My lashes become damp from the unshed tears. No normal man would steal all the papers with my number unless he cared. And the way he talks about Ani… It’s so simple, yet it means the world to me. It’s everything I wanted with Lance but was denied.
My pounding heart feels like it might escape through my throat.
Rowan likes me.
And he hates it.
My small smile becomes a grin.
“Why are you smiling? Did you not hear a thing I said?”
“You like me,” I blurt out.
“No. I tolerate you more than most people. That’s why I want to date you.”
The laugh that explodes out of me has Rowan rearing back.
“You find this funny?”
“A little. But it’s cute.”
He sighs.
It clicks for me. “You don’t like the idea of liking me.”
“I can’t promise you that I won’t mess up again.
I’m learning as I go, but there’s something about you that makes me happy in a way I haven’t felt before.
So if you want to quit, I understand, but go knowing that I never wanted to harm you or make you feel like a fool.
” He stares at me, making me feel exposed in a whole new kind of way.
He cares about you. Really, truly cares.
“I think part of me wants to dislike you for being mistrusting, but part of me can’t help but relate.”
He doesn’t move or breathe. “What do you mean? You’re the most trusting person of all.”
I release a sad laugh. After all he has confessed, it’s only fair to share my story.
“My last boyfriend broke my heart and my trust the day I found him with another woman. She—God. It’s something I can never unsee.
” I’ve tried to wipe the memory of them from my brain, but some parts still leak through.
“And because one blow to my life wasn’t enough, Lance—my ex—demolished a part of my heart I’ll never get back. ”
“What did he do?” His voice is low, carrying the same kind of lethality as his gaze.
I look away, unable to hold his stare. “He stole my Nebula Land submission, impressed the Creators, and used the bonus to buy his lover an engagement ring.” The words leave my mouth in a rush, sounding clunky and unrehearsed.
He leans over the table, gently cups my chin, turns my head to face him. “While I’m sorry he hurt you, I’m not sorry he let you go.”
I shoot him a wobbly smile. “Are you always so selfish?”
His eyes glint. “With you, yes.”
I shake my head.
He tucks my hair behind my ear before tracing my earrings with his finger. I shiver, and goose bumps explode across my skin.
“I might be many things but I’m no cheater. And while I lied to you about everything before, I won’t do it anymore. That I can assure you.”
I swallow, fighting the tightness in my throat. “So that’s it? I’m supposed to take your word for it and hope for the best?”
“No, I know firsthand how words mean nothing.”
“Then what?”
He leans in and presses a featherlight kiss against my lips. “I’ll prove it to you.”
“How so?”
His eyes brighten in a way I’ve never seen before. “Would you rather me show or tell you?” His husky tone makes my cheeks heat.
And the smile on his face? Absolutely, positively devious.
But the way he crawls over to me on his knees?
I’d agree to anything from that one action alone.