Chapter Nineteen #3
My mouth was suddenly dry. It had been so long since I’d said any of this aloud, and even then, I’d only told one person. éliott had convinced me to go to the team and tell them everything that happened.
“I was told to man up, that Hermes only had room for real men, and that I needed to stop being weak. Drivers all over the world would kill for my seat. He told me—” I paused, taking a long, final sigh.
“He told me that he’d do me this one favor, that he would make sure the article never saw the light of day.
But that I should learn from my mistakes.
” I finally looked up at her, finding her watching me with an expression I couldn’t quite read.
“So that’s what I did. I buried it. Pretended it never happened.
Somehow won the F2 championship six months later and never mentioned it again. ”
Until Miami broke me all over again.
I could see Lily putting the pieces together in her head. “Is that… is that why you won’t tell them now, about the driving?”
I nodded. “I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so bothered. It’s not like I crashed on my own this time.” I looked sheepishly at her, and she seemed to get the subtext. She’d crashed into me, after all.
“But that’s not how our brains work, is it?” Lily said softly. A statement we all knew to be true—that how our brains brought back memories remained a mystery to even the best psychologists.
“That crash from Miami, it stirred up something in me again, that fear I’d experienced after the crash in F2. It was so similar, and every time I go through the corners in the rain, I realize it’s not Miami I’m necessarily seeing all over again… it’s the crash in Barcelona.”
“I’m so sorry I said what I said in the press conference, Henri.” Lily was quiet for a long moment, her eyes searching my face, then she added, “Do you think Ollie has made this connection?”
I shrugged, even if I knew the answer. “He’s figured out enough.
I’m guessing he told you all this because he wants to seem like the hero.
Or keep me away from you…” I picked up my glass, staring into it.
“In his version, he’s the hero trying to help a reckless teammate.
In mine, he’s the friend who betrayed my trust for a byline.
He’d love for you to believe I deliberately destroyed him out of spite than to face the possibility that I was just…
broken.” My voice dropped even lower. “Or that I’m still broken. ”
I took a final sip of whiskey, the burn going down my throat. But it was nothing compared to the look on her face. Setting the glass down with quiet finality, I got up to start walking away.
I made it three steps before I stopped, back still to her, hand gripping the jacket draped over my shoulder. “You want to know why I kissed you?”
Her eyes snapped to mine.
“Because I wanted to.” The words tumbled out of me, raw and stripped of any pretense or defense. “Because I missed you. Miss you, every day, and that night in Monaco and Montreal, for just a moment, I let myself forget all the reasons why I shouldn’t kiss you.”
Her lips parted slightly, but no sound came out.
I shook my head, frustrated with myself—with this whole mess. “The truth is, this all got away from me after I decided to push you away in Vegas.”
Now, this caught her attention.
“I heard the doubt in your voice when you said that you weren’t sure about the contract.
I didn’t want you to jeopardize the Rennen offer, especially not for me, so I removed myself from the equation.
” I looked down at my hands, picking at my fingernail as I debated what I should say next.
“I thought it would be easier for you if I was just… not an option anymore. You deserve a boyfriend who can be public with you. Someone who can kiss you after a race or take you to dinner. With that clause, I can’t be those things for you. ”
Lily’s eyes widened. Her arms crossed, quick and defensive. She stared at me like she was trying to reconcile the man in front of her with what I’d just admitted.
“But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.
” My confession hung between us, vulnerable and raw.
“The feelings I had for you in Las Vegas, the ones I never said… those haven’t gone away.
Nothing has changed how I feel about you.
Not all the arguments between us this season or the coldness we’ve been hiding behind.
” I had to force myself to hold her gaze, to not shy away and hide from this conversation.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say this back in Las Vegas.
You weren’t entirely wrong when you said I was scared. I was… scared for you.”
I took a step back, creating distance before I could change my mind about what I was about to say.
“I’ll stay out of your way for good, Lil. You won’t have to worry about mixed signals or complicated feelings or any of this mess anymore. It’s wrong of me to do that to you.”
Her mouth opened like she might say something, might stop me, but I couldn’t let her. I didn’t want to hear whatever she was about to say, whether it was rejection or something worse: pity.