Chapter 16 #2
“You can’t help them right now by leaving,” Lisa says gently. “Stay here, finish your shift like you planned, and keep your mind busy.”
“That’s my brother,” I hiss.
Even though I know Lisa is right, I have to take this out somewhere.
“I know. And you should stay here in case one of his men gets hurt so that they get the best possible care.”
I sigh. She’s right. If someone were to get hurt, I would want to be the nurse assigned to their case. And if it were Levi or Aaron who was brought in, I would definitely want to be here to assess and see their injuries for myself.
I might have to listen to my boss reprimand me for bending the rules a little bit, but it would be worth the consequences.
“I’ll be by the scanner, listening for incoming patients,” I tell her.
I’ll use the charge desk computer to screen the local news while I listen for incoming injuries.
Lisa follows me to the desk, no doubt worried about leaving me alone. With the news quietly running on the main computer, I watch the flames dance, mesmerized. Someone presses a hot paper cup of herbal tea into my hands.
No injuries come in from the fire, but I do get summons to a dozen different rooms for a dozen different reasons.
By the end of my shift, I realized that Lisa was right. I did need to be somewhere I was needed for a little while. Anything to block my mind from incessantly thinking about what is happening on the outskirts of town.
I clock out, change out of my scrubs, and head to my mom’s house to pick up Noah.
“Oh, honey,” she says when I walk into the foyer. “You must be so worried.”
“Just as worried as you are,” I remind her.
She loves Levi just as much as I do. When Dad passed away, we relied on him too much. More than we should have.
Mom reaches out and wraps me in a bear hug. Noah is sandwiched between us, one chubby arm around her neck and one around mine. She doesn’t let go for a long time, triggering memories that I thought were long forgotten from childhood.
She smells like baked pears, sauteed with cinnamon sugar and butter. Her arms are thin, but she holds me with such force that I can’t even think about breaking free from her grip.
“You have more to worry about than just Levi, and we both know it,” she says when she pulls back. She tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear with her free hand.
“We’re not together.” I hate having to remind her. Having to convince myself that it’s true.
She hums a knowing note, one that I know means she doesn’t believe a word of what I just said. “All the same, it’s frightening that they’re both out there, isn’t it?”
“I missed Levi’s call,” I admit, guilt swallowing me up. What if that was the last opportunity I had to hear from my brother?
She rubs my arm a little. “I talked to him. He didn’t have any information yet and only had a couple of seconds to talk. You know how it is. You already know he loves you.”
My throat constricts, making it hard to swallow.
Levi would have spent more time on the phone with his kids than he did with us—as he should have. Mom is right; I didn’t miss much by not answering.
“I should take Noah home. You probably need to go help with the kids,” I say, fishing for more information.
“No rush.” She pats my hand. “They’re in good hands until I can get there. If I hear anything from Levi about when he’ll be home, you’ll be the first person I call.”
She rounds up Noah’s things into his bag while I change his diaper for the drive home. He coos up at me, oblivious to the tension that makes the air feel thick and unbreathable.
Gratitude for him overwhelms me.
I’ll always have Noah. My son, my miracle, my world.
When we get home, I put him to bed, lingering a little longer at his bedside than usual. After a full day of daycare and an afternoon with his grandma, his little eyelids are heavier than usual. As I stroke his soft hair, he drifts off easily.
I can’t resist pressing another kiss to his forehead before a hot shower.
What should be something relaxing turns into anything but.
Because, of course, the only thing I can picture in this steamy shower is Aaron behind me, with his hand covering my mouth, warning me to be quiet so that we don’t wake Noah up.
The way he gently took care of me when we left the shower and tucked me into bed.
My heart melts at the memory, making it even harder for me to think about what could go wrong. If something happened to him, I would have to live forever with the knowledge that I had screwed up.
Summer texts me to say that she hasn’t heard anything from Zachary yet. She’ll come over in the morning for coffee and breakfast so that we can both take our minds off what the men are doing.
I lie on the bed, half-dressed. My phone screen lights up the dark bedroom in lieu of a lamp.
Be safe out there. I love you, I text Levi.
He won’t read it until the fire is completely put out, but I feel better for having sent it. He’ll know that I was thinking about him. Worried about him.
We don’t always tell each other how we feel so directly. It will mean something to him that I said it, even if he doesn’t see it in the midst of one of the hardest calls of his career.
I open a blank message and debate sending another text to a familiar number. If I text him, I could open a door to a conversation I desperately want to have. If I text him, I might give him the wrong idea about what I want, what I need.
What do I want?
More importantly, what do I need?
I fall asleep with the message blank, the phone forgotten beside me. But the only thing I can dream about is flames engulfing the man I was getting to know. The one who somehow managed to make it past my defenses.
And the answer to my question is murkier than it has ever been.