Chapter 2
Chapter Two
Lola
“ N eed you at the clubhouse. Wear something slutty,” Driller orders before leaving the house, slamming the door behind him.
I keep my eyes down until I hear his bike start up and drive away.
Only then do I hobble into the bathroom to clean myself up.
I strip off what’s left of my clothes and step into the shower, turning the water on as hot as I can stand it.
Trying not to cry, I pretend the bruises on my thighs and the savage teeth marks that cover my body aren’t there.
I ignore the swell of my belly because if I don’t, I’ll break.
I pretend none of this is real—because if I don’t, I might just take a razor blade to my wrists.
I close my eyes and try to imagine that I’m anywhere but here.
I picture myself lying on a warm, sandy beach with Havoc beside me, watching as a little girl who looks just like her daddy runs across the sand and throws herself into his arms. If I concentrate really hard, I can almost convince myself that I can hear him laughing.
I swallow and open my eyes, the daydream fading away, leaving me face-to-face with harsh reality.
It’s been five years.
Five years of me being trapped in this hell, waiting for Havoc to come back and save me, only to find out he has no plans to return at all.
If the rumors are true, he’s the new president of the Raven Souls’ mother chapter.
A dream come true for him, I imagine.
And all the while, I was trapped here in a never-ending nightmare.
It was the hope of him coming back that kept me going.
The promise of a hero coming to save me got me through my darkest hours.
But it turns out he only ever planned to save himself.
My chest pulls tight with the urge to cry, but I don’t give in to it.
Tears don’t get me anywhere.
Driller likes it when I cry, so I’ve learned not to feel much of anything anymore.
And maybe there’s a part of me that’s scared that if I start, I won’t stop—until I drown or I’m swept away.
Thankfully, this morning was a rarity.
He barely touches me anymore––guess my novelty’s wearing off.
Now he spends most of his time at the clubhouse, leaving a couple of prospects to watch me.
I know they’re there to stop me from running.
But I gave up trying after the last time––when he broke my legs.
Being totally dependent on him was the worst kind of torture.
And honestly, I’d take the beatings and rapes over lying in my own piss and shit for days.
I shake away the memories and step out of the shower, drying myself off without looking at myself in the mirror because I hate seeing a stranger staring back at me.
I head into the bedroom and pull on a pair of clean underwear, a short denim skirt, and a tight black tank top with the Raven Souls logo on the front.
I run some product through my hair and leave it to air dry.
If I try to blow-dry it, my curls go feral.
I apply the thick stage makeup Driller got me to hide all the bruises on my face and body.
I add a pair of fake lashes and finish by swiping on some bright red lipstick.
I look every inch the painted lady I’ve become.
Ignoring the few pairs of high heels I have, I go with my black Converse—just in case I have to run.
These days, it’s better to plan for anything.
I shove my book and a bottle of water into my bag, along with a sweatshirt and a pair of leggings—stuff I can change into later when Driller forgets about me again.
Hopefully, he hooks up with one of the club girls so I can come home and pretend I don’t exist like everyone else does.
Taking a deep breath, I blow it out slowly, pressing my hand to my stomach.
I stroke my bump, reminding myself I’ve got a reason not to give up.
I can’t pretend to love them.
Not yet, anyway. There’s too much trauma to unpack for me to deal with my actual feelings.
But having the baby to focus on gives me something to think about, something to keep me from myself spiraling into despair.
As it stands right now, I can only hope that I find a way to get this baby away from here, somewhere where they can grow up safe and loved.
Even if that means they grow up far away from me.
Heading downstairs, I glance into the kitchen, I know I should eat something—if not for my sake, then for the baby.
But there are only so many peanut butter sandwiches I can stomach.
I had hoped that when Driller showed up earlier, he would’ve brought groceries, but he was far too pissed off to think about something as trivial as feeding me.
Instead, he used my body as a punching bag, leaving me aching, bruised, and hungry.
Shaking my head, I remind myself that it could always be worse.
My eyes flick to the floor in the hallway as flashes from that day hit me—the day Driller beat Havoc’s baby out of me.
When I came to, I found myself in bed with a cast on my left arm and another on my right leg.
I still don’t know if I’m happy or pissed that the Ravens have a doctor they can blackmail into doing whatever they need—like treat an unconscious girl without asking how she ended up like that.
Part of me wished I’d died that day.
The other part knows I’m lucky I received medical attention while my injuries healed, leaving me with, at the very least, a permanent limp.
Back then, I wasn’t allowed anywhere near the clubhouse.
It was months before I was well enough, and by the time Driller finally dragged me back, everyone had already turned on me.
I gave up on any of them helping me.
Over time, I kind of faded into the background—which, honestly, was probably for the best.
Knowing I’m pushing my luck, I head out, locking the door behind me, and take the long way to the clubhouse.
Bandit, one of the two Dobermans that guard the place, wanders over to me.
He sniffs my hand before nudging me for a scratch.
I laugh softly. “You’re going to get us both in trouble,” I murmur.
The dogs don’t bother with anyone but me, but I know I’m supposed to ignore them.
The one time Khan saw them all over me, he threatened to get rid of them.
He didn’t give a shit that I was crying and that’s why the dogs were trying to comfort me.
I was nothing to him.
“Go on, Bandit. Guard,” I tell him firmly.
He whines and licks my hand, but in the end, he does as he’s told.
I slip in through the back door and head for my usual spot in the back.
A few people glance my way, but most ignore me.
Razzle, one of the club girls, walks over with a sneer on her face.
“I hear Havoc’s coming up to see Khan and Driller.”
I freeze, her words hitting me like a punch to the gut.
She notices my reaction—and grins.
“Maybe I’ll get another taste of his dick before he leaves.”
I don’t say anything, I walk woodenly over to the nearest chair and sit down.
I stare down at the table and blink fast, willing away the tears that threaten to fall.
I won’t fall apart here.
I won’t.
Instead, I pull my book from my bag and pretend to read, shutting out everyone around me.
I get so lost in my twisted thoughts that I don’t even notice anything’s changed—until people start moving toward the middle of the room.
Frowning, I look up—and gasp.
Havoc
He walks in, flanked by a few unfamiliar brothers.
He looks good—really good—and so different from the boy I fell in love with.
He’s bulked up a lot and has a bunch of tattoos that he didn’t have before.
There’s a hardness to him, too.
A cold in his eyes as he looks around the room.
His gaze moving right past me like I’m invisible.
It’s that indifference that would’ve brought me to my knees if I was standing.
Sucking in a lungful of air, my eyes land on the woman beside him.
I thought I knew what pain was.
Hell, I’d consider myself an expert by now.
But seeing Havoc look at her the way he used to look at me kills something inside me.
I watch, detached, as they move to the bar, Havoc’s focus on the tiny woman next to him.
She says something that makes his eyes flash in wonder, and then his mouth is on hers, his hand wrapped in her hair.
It feels like he’s punched a hole in my chest and ripped out my still-beating heart.
I can’t get enough air into my lungs.
Black spots dance in front of my eyes as the room starts to spin.
And yet, I still can’t look away from the carnage even when Khan walks up to them.
A whimper slips out along with a single defiant tear as I watch Havoc lean down and kiss the tip of her nose.
I freeze when Havoc looks over, his eyes locking with mine for a moment before he turns back to Khan, like I never meant anything to him.
I push to my feet, ready to bolt, when I realize Havoc and Khan are arguing.
I freeze, holding my breath, fighting the urge to escape, when I hear Havoc’s words, each one like a knife to the heart.
The room goes quiet as everyone watches them.
It’s clear there’s no love lost between them anymore.
A lot can change in five years.
I know that better than anyone.
“You really want to play it this way, Khan? ?Cause I’m not exactly feeling the respect afforded to me as president of the mother chapter,” Havoc growls.
“Women’s issues don’t touch us. You know that.”
I grit my teeth at Khan’s words.
They’ll act as a spark to set Havoc off.
And I know I’m right when he starts throwing words aimed to wound.
But the target isn’t Khan.
It’s me.
No surprise there.
“Women’s issues? That’s what you’re calling it? You want me to send my old lady over to spend time with the whore who swapped me out for my brother while I was serving his sentence?”
Acid burns up the back of my throat, and it’s only by the grace of God that I don’t throw up all over the place.
I feel everyone turning to stare at me, but I can’t look away from the scene playing out.
“Hey, watch your fucking mouth!” Driller snaps.
I was so focused on Havoc that I forgot all about Driller.
I quickly look away and down at the scratched table in front of me.
If Driller catches me watching his brother, he’ll make me pay for it.
His defense of me now is all an act.
It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how the favored brother is treating one of Driller’s toys.
“Just speaking the truth, brother. You don’t like it? That’s not my fucking problem.”
One of the other bikers wraps his arm around the woman’s shoulders.
“Come on, Tinkerbell. Let’s play pool.”
Driller snorts.
“You sharing now?”
Before Havoc can say anything, the woman speaks up.
“I was a virgin until Havoc. He was the first man I slept with, and he’ll be the last. I get, with who your old lady is, it might be hard for you to understand. But don’t put me in the same category.”
I want to scream that I was a virgin, too—but it didn’t matter in the end.
I never mattered to this club.
I close my eyes when Driller hisses, “Shut your––”
His words get cut off, but I keep my eyes shut and picture myself far away from here, lying in a field of wildflowers swaying in the wind.
No club. No bikers. No hands pawing at me.
The world fades around me as I retreat into my mind—one of the only places I still feel safe.
It’s Havoc’s voice that breaks through my weak defenses, dragging me back just in time to see Driller getting to his feet and rubbing his throat.
“Nevaeh’s my old lady, and she was disrespected first—and more than once. It’s her right to defend herself. It’s just unfortunate that she has to, but I’m not surprised. I’m done playing nice here, Khan. You wanted to talk, so talk. But I’ve got better fucking things to do than waste my time on you.”
“Now you listen to me—” Khan starts, jabbing Havoc’s chest with his finger.
But he doesn’t get the chance to finish as Havoc moves closer, towering over him.
“The next time you point that finger at me, I’ll rip it off and shove it up your ass. My days of taking orders from you are over. I outrank you, Khan, in case you’ve forgotten. I can have you replaced just like that.” Havoc snaps his fingers and leans forward, snarling in Khan’s face.
“Try me. I fucking dare you.”
The clubhouse is deathly quiet as everyone waits to see what happens next.
I look around, wondering if I can slip out without anyone noticing.
Eventually, Khan backs down.
“It’s been a tough time here for us,” he hedges.
And it takes everything in me not to snort—he’s so full of shit.
“Then let’s go to church and hash this out. Kruger, Mac, Toot—let’s go,” Havoc says to his men as the room slowly starts buzzing again.
I see Khan give Driller a nod, and they head toward church, with Havoc’s men following behind.
Havoc turns and gives his old lady one last look—one he never gave to me before—before he walks away.
I stand there numb, while people go back to their business like I’m not standing here bleeding out all over the floor.
Havoc’s new old lady looks over at me for a second before turning her back and heading to the pool table.
And that’s my cue to leave—I’ve officially hit my limit for the day.
I grab my book and shove it back into my bag, and head for the back door.
But I’m stopped by Gunther before I reach it.
“Driller wants you to stay.”
“I don’t really care what Driller wants, Gunther. Something tells me I’ll get my ass kicked either way.”
He frowns, but I don’t explain.
What’s the freaking point?
“Can’t let you leave. He told us you might hurt the baby?—”
“And, of course, you believed him,” I say, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
“Look—”
I shove past him and run outside, and I keep running.
I’m halfway across the yard when my legs finally give out, and I collapse onto the grass.
Sensing something’s wrong, Bandit comes running over to me, and for once, I don’t have the strength to push him away.
Instead, I wrap my arms around him and let his fur soak up the tears I swore I wasn’t going to cry.
The fact that I couldn’t stop them upsets me even more.
When I’m all cried out, I press a kiss to Bandit’s nose.
“Thank you, boy. Now off you go. No sense in both of us getting into trouble.” He tilts his head, like he understands, then licks the side of my face before trotting off.
I get to my feet and jolt when I see Gunther standing in the doorway, watching me with a worried look on his face.
Taking a deep breath, I walk back toward him, keeping my eyes on the door, knowing I need to head back inside before Driller realizes I’ve gone.
Gunther steps aside and softly says my name, but I ignore him.
I can’t trust anyone here.
Anything I say or do is turned against me.
I retake my seat and pull my book back out with shaky hands, tuning everyone out as I stare at the page, the words blurring together—not taking anything in.
I know the second Havoc walks back in, but I keep my eyes down and focus on breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
By the time I finally look up, Havoc and his old lady are gone, and the tight band around my chest loosens a bit.
That is, until I see a pissed-off Driller storming across the room.
Driller grabs my arm and yanks me out of my seat, pulling me past Gunther, who narrows his eyes on Driller’s grip as we head outside.
Driller slams the door closed behind us before tossing me to the ground.
I twist as I fall, making sure I land on my ass, my arms moving instinctively to protect my baby.
“What the fuck did you say to that bitch?”
I have no idea what he’s talking about, so I shake my head.
“I haven’t spoken to anyone, Driller.”
“Bullshit. You think I couldn’t feel the tension in there? You must’ve fucking done something.”
I exist. I think before answering.
“Nothing, I swear. They didn’t speak to me, and I didn’t speak to them.”
He grins at my answer, then unzips his jeans and pulls out his dick, pissing right in front of me.
I have to scuttle back, narrowly avoiding being peed on.
“Seems he’s done with you. What does it feel like to see your replacement?”
Even though his words hurt, I don’t let it show.
“I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s been five years.”
“Bullshit, baby, but whatever, it doesn’t matter anyway. You’re mine now, and that fucking kid’s mine too. So he wants the house for the night? Big fucking deal. He can act like he doesn’t fucking care, but I know the truth. It’s killing him, knowing it’s my cock your pussy welcomes now, not his.”
He stomps over and grabs a fistful of my hair.
I grab his wrist and stagger to my feet, trying to ease the pain.
“I oughta fuck you in front of him. Let him watch my cock thrusting into your wet pussy. Maybe I’ll pull out and come all over your face. Bet he’d give a shit then.”
I bite my lip, trying to hide the horror I feel inside.
He shoves me away, but this time I manage to stay on my feet.
“You can’t go back to the house while he’s there with his new toy.”
“I don’t have any of my things?—”
I back up when he glares at me.
“Do I look like I give a fuck? Stop being a selfish bitch and making this all about you. Now I’ve got club business to deal with. Figure something out.”
He turns and storms off, leaving me standing there alone.
I think about going back inside, but my feet refuse to move.
So I stay where I am, feeling sick to my stomach and cold to the bone.
A few minutes later, the door opens, and Gunther steps out and walks toward me with my bag in his hand.
“One of the club girls was getting nosy.”
I take it from him and murmur a thank you.
“Let’s get you inside. It’s getting cold out here.”
“I’m okay. I’m just not ready to go back in yet.”
He sighs but nods.
“Stay where I can see you.”
“I’m not a child, Gunther.”
“I’m just doing my job,” he says, holding up hands.
“Right. Because I might hurt the baby. Funny how nobody cares about the baby when Driller’s putting his hands on me.” I turn away from him, not wanting to hear his excuses.
“I’m going for a walk. Don’t worry, I won’t leave—not that a prospect would let me out anyway, and I already know I can’t go home.”
“Why can’t you go home?”
I look at him for a second before turning away.
“I don’t have one anymore.”
I walk away, ignoring his sharp inhale.
I head toward the dog kennel.
When I get there, I sit down on the ground out front and run my fingers through Smokey’s fur when he comes to greet me.
Bandit spots me next and walks over too.
Before I know it, both dogs are curled up beside me with their heads in my lap.
“You sure know how to make a girl feel special,” I whisper as I continue to pet them.
I’m not sure how long I sit there, but eventually, I start shaking from the cold.
Wrestling with my bag, I pull out my leggings from my bag and wriggle into them, disturbing the dogs.
Apologizing to them, I slide off my skirt and shove it into the bag, then grab my sweatshirt and pull it on over my head before As I adjust my clothes, I look back toward the clubhouse.
The lights are blazing, and the music is pumping.
I can hear the loud laughter from here.
Everyone’s carrying on with their lives while I’m stuck in limbo.
I know I should head inside and see if I can find a room to crash in, but the thought of surrounding myself with those vipers makes me want to puke.
So instead, I crawl into the kennel, which is around the size of a large playhouse, and curl up on one of the soft dog beds.
The dogs follow me in and snuggle up next to me, offering me their warmth.
Pulling my chilled hands into my sleeves, I tuck them under my head and think of Havoc.
And for the first time, I don’t wish for him to come rescue me.
This time, I wish I’d never met him at all.