Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
Lola
A nd fall apart, I do.
I don’t know if it is because it’s been so long since I’ve had an orgasm with anything other than my own hand or the illicitness of the act itself.
The risk of getting caught only heightens my arousal.
I don’t want to admit that it’s because of this man.
He holds me tightly as I fall apart in his arms—the first sob tears through my body just moments after my orgasms wane.
He doesn’t miss a beat.
He wraps his arms around me, ignoring his hard cock as he whispers for me to let it out.
I do. Hell, I can’t stop.
It’s as if the orgasm burst something inside me, forcing me to release the feelings I’ve had locked down so tightly.
I haven’t had a safe space to fall apart for such a long time that I learned to be strong even when I felt like I was crumbling.
Somewhere between arriving at the mother chapter and now, Hannibal became that safe space for me.
Once I have my crying under control, he tips my head back in that way he does and wipes the stray tears with his thumbs.
“Better?”
I nod, feeling my face heat.
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Why? It looks to me like you needed a reason to break. You just gotta trust that I won’t let you fall.”
“I can’t. I want to. I just?—”
“I know. But we have a lifetime to figure it out.”
Blowing out a deep breath, I reach for his still-hard cock, but he captures my wrist. “That can wait. Let’s get you dressed and finish what we need to do first.”
I look up at him in surprise.
His jaw ticks as he figures out where my mind has gone.
“I’m not him.”
I turn around and start getting dressed without responding.
I can’t just switch off my brain and pretend Driller never happened, that he didn’t damage me in so many ways that I question everything I say and do.
He doesn’t leave like he could, not offended by my silence in the least. Instead, he watches me dress, taking in every single movement.
I won’t lie and say it’s not a little unnerving.
I put it out of my mind until he bends down to do my socks and shoes for me once more.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I can’t help asking.
“Because I can, because someone should be,” he says as simple as that.
I guess it is. I think about his words as we leave the changing room and collect my new things, saying farewell to an all-knowing Claire.
It is easy to be kind to someone.
Yet I’m surrounded by people who act like it’s such a hardship.
I’ve done nothing to any of them.
They chose their side in a game of playground politics I had no idea I was a part of until I was left alone on the outside looking in.
It made me question everything.
None of the friendships I’d made—though there weren’t many—were true friendships, or they wouldn’t have turned their backs on me.
I’m ashamed to admit I’ve felt more at home in the last week, locked in Hannibal’s room during the day and in his arms at night, than I ever did back in Ohio.
“You need anything else?”
I jolt out of my thoughts at Hannibal’s words.
“Just some toiletries, maybe?”
With his hand in mine, he leads me to the bath and body area, grabbing far more than I need before tugging me next door.
I pause in the doorway of the store, my eyes skating around all the toys.
Hannibal lets go of my hand before walking to the shelf in front of us and grabbing a soft toy shaped like a motorcycle.
I watch in stunned silence as he pays for it and walks back over to me with a grin on his face.
“Gotta get our boy set up from the get-go.”
“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asks when I burst into tears again.
“Hormones?” I manage to choke out as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads me out to the car.
How the hell can I admit to him that he’s the first person to acknowledge the baby without anything other than disdain?
I’m not counting Nevaeh’s concern for my baby when she saw my bruises.
I’m still not sure if it was genuine concern or if she felt like she should be concerned.
Ugh, I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.
Hannibal opens the door and makes sure I’m settled before dumping the bags in the back, taking off his cut and laying it across the back seat, and climbing into the driver’s seat.
“You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
“What do you want?”
I don’t even have to think about it.
“A burger and milkshake.”
“A woman after my own heart.”
I smile and turn to look out the window.
The lull of the engine relaxes me so I close my eyes.
The next thing I know, I’m in Hannibal’s arms and being carried back to the bedroom.
I breathe him in before he puts me on the bed and slips off my shoes.
When he looks up at me and sees I’m awake, he sighs.
“Sorry, I tried not to jostle you.”
“I’m more hungry than tired,” I whine.
I really wanted that burger.
“I’ll get the prospect to warm your food and bring it up. I didn’t know what to get you, so I got a couple of things.”
“I’m not picky.” I can’t afford to be.
“You gonna be okay on your own for a bit?”
I frown at him.
“I’m good. I’m used to being alone.”
He doesn’t like that answer, but I’m not sure what he wants me to say.
He hesitates but leaves without another word.
I sigh and stare up at the ceiling.
Today has been such an odd day.
Good, but also unexpected.
I know how to deal with bad days.
That’s all I’ve had lately.
I don’t know how to deal with the good ones, though.
How pathetic is that?
Cursing myself for being dramatic, I climb off the bed and strip down to my underwear.
I slip on one of Hannibal’s shirts and a pair of his boxers, knowing that soon I’ll have my own clothes brought up and I won’t have to wear this combo anymore.
What I won’t do is try to analyze why that thought makes me feel sad.
I fold my clothes and place them on the dresser when there’s a knock at the door.
Biting my lip, I hesitate, not sure if I’m allowed to answer it or not.
“Lola? It’s Hoops. Hannibal sent me up with food.”
Blowing out a relieved breath, I open the door and find the prospect with a tray full of food in his hand and a couple of books under his arm.
“Um, do you need help?”
“I’m good. Just tell me where you want it.”
“The bed?”
When he walks in, I take a big step back.
He lays the tray on the bed, grabs the books, and puts them next to it.
“Hannibal says you like to read and that he forgot to grab books for you while you were out, so I grabbed these from my room for you. I hope they’re okay. I’m not really sure what you’re into.”
“I’ll read anything. Thank you so much.”
I step closer, the lure of books making me brave.
I recognize both of them.
They’re by a pretty famous horror writer.
“Oh, I’ve seen these but not read them. I can’t wait to get started.” I clap, making him chuckle.
“Well if you like them, let me know. I have a load more.”
My eyes must light up like it’s Christmas because he clears his throat before pointing at the tray.
“It’s not as good reheated, but it’s food, right?”
I stare at the tray and gulp.
“I’ve heard of eating for two, but to eat this much food, I’d need to be carrying octuplets.”
He laughs and heads for the door.
“Just eat what you can. That way, Hannibal can make note of what you like.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.” He winks before closing the door behind him.
My stomach growls viciously, demanding I pay more attention to the food.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I pick up a cheeseburger and take a bite.
I moan as the taste explodes on my tongue.
Reheated or not, this is the best damn burger I’ve had in years.
I devour it before moving on to the next one.
I stop after two because I don’t want to make myself sick.
Instead, I move to the fries and happily munch on them as I slurp the vanilla shake.
It’s not my favorite flavor, but I don’t care.
It’s sweet and cold and tastes like summer.
By the time I’m finished, I’m full but content.
I look at what’s left and move it to the dresser.
I’ll happily munch on it later, even if it’s cold.
After being starved by Driller on too many occasions, I will never take having food for granted again.
I use the bathroom to clean up before I crawl onto the bed and crack open the first book.
I’ve never thought about what makes me happy.
Everything I’ve done in my life was to please someone.
First my dad, then Havoc, and at times Driller—even if that was only out of self-preservation.
But lying here now, happy and full, with a book in my hand, I know I’d sell my soul for moments like this.
I don’t know how long I lie there, consumed with the story, that at first I don’t realize anything’s wrong.
But when I hear gunshots followed by screaming outside, I jump from the bed and hurry to the bathroom.
I lock the door and crawl into the bath, making myself as small as possible.
I duck and pray, hoping that everyone is okay.
That Hannibal's okay, not realizing I didn’t think of Havoc once.
I stay where I am, even when the noise dies down, and silence blankets the room. I don’t know if it’s a trick or if it’s safe to leave so I stay where I am, knees bent and arms wrapped around myself so my belly is protected.
Feeling lost and afraid, I must eventually cry myself out because the next thing I know, I’m jolted awake by the sound of the door slamming open. I shriek and burrow down further, trying to protect my baby in the only way I can.
“It’s me, doll. Just me.” And then Hannibal’s there on the floor in front of me. I don’t think, I throw myself at him. He jolts back but catches me with ease, brushing my hair from my face as he takes me in.
“Shit, fuck. I should have come up sooner. I had to make sure we had everything covered.”
“Did Driller come for me?”
“Oh fuck, baby. No. And if he does, I’ll cut him open from sternum to throat and rip out his insides.”
I swallow the urge to gag at the visual his words conjure up.
He scoops me up and carries me to the bed, sitting me on the edge of it. “I’m going to give you the condensed version of what’s happening. Think you can handle that?”
I nod rapidly. Not knowing is worse. I have an overactive imagination.
“Khan made his move. We expected him to hit the clubhouse while Havoc was at Nevaeh’s book signing, sending a few men to snatch Nevaeh if they got the chance. It’s why I made sure the prospects were covering us today while we shopped and why we went so early.”
I cock my head. “I was bait?”
He swallows but doesn’t refute my question. My stomach feels like lead, making everything that happened in the changing room feel different now I’m looking at it without a rose-tinted filter. I push through the hurt, knowing I’m being pathetic. He promised me he wouldn’t hit, but that’s all he promised. I need to stop looking for happily ever afters in all the wrong places.
He grabs my hands as he kneels in front of me. “I don’t have all the information yet. He only sent a couple of men here. We made a mistake thinking that Khan would act with logic.”
He rubs his hand over his face. “He sent a group of men to the book signing. They opened fire on a room full of innocent people.”
I gasp in shock. I know what an asshole Khan is better than most, but even I wouldn’t have expected that.
“Is everyone okay?”
“Some civilians were hurt, but as of right now, there have been no fatalities.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“One of our prospects, Dice, was shot. I don’t have the details, but he’s in surgery. Everyone else on our end is fine, other than Crane taking a bullet to the shoulder.”
“Oh god.”
“I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to pack your things because we’re leaving in thirty minutes.”
“Leaving? Where are we going?”
“We’re going home, doll.”
I pull my hands from his and jump up from the bed. “They’ll kill me. Khan's?—”
“Dead. Khan's dead, Lola. I’m now officially the president of the Ohio chapter. We have to go back, and it has to be now because I don’t trust that club not to implode without someone to follow.”
“Well, they didn’t do so well when they had someone to follow either, did they?”
I pace the floor, trying to calm myself down. I knew this was coming, so I don’t understand why I feel so panicked.
“Wait, you said Khan was dead. You didn’t say anything about Driller.”
“Driller got away, but he’s been kicked from the club. He can’t hide forever, and when he resurfaces, we’ll catch him.”
I fight the urge to throw up all over him. “You have no idea what he’s capable of.”
“He won’t get near you, Lola.”
I stare out the window at nothing. The peace I hadn’t realized I’d found in the last week shattered the moment he said we were going home. “Okay.”
“Lola?”
I turn to look at him, but I can feel myself shutting down. Maybe it isn’t just the thought of heading back while Driller's at large. Maybe it’s the shame and embarrassment I feel knowing Hannibal will now have a front-row seat to my humiliation.
“You knew this was going to happen.”
I nod rapidly, not trusting myself to speak. Swallowing, I walk over to the clothes I discarded earlier. In somewhat of a daze, I don’t worry about getting undressed in front of him. It’s not like he hasn’t seen it before, anyway.
I walk to the bathroom and redo the messy bun I pulled my hair into earlier. Gripping the counter, I close my eyes and remind myself that I can do this. If there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s survive.
Looking around the room, I sigh when I realize that nothing is mine. I leave everything where it is, unsure if I need to pack for him. Walking back into the room, I pause when I find Hannibal standing right outside the door, waiting for me.
“Do you want me to pack for you?”
“I’m a big boy. I can pack a bag and get the prospects to pack up the rest and send it down.”
I nod and let my gaze move over the room. I spot my cap on the dresser so I walk over and grab it, putting it on and tugging my bun through the hole at the back. While Hannibal packs a bag, I slip my Converse back on sans socks, not wanting Hannibal’s help. Everything feels different. We feel different. The only constant in my life right now is chaos. I want the world to stop spinning for a little while so I can get off.
Looking down at the book on the bed, I sigh. I guess I’ll have to imagine how it ends. I pick it up and place it on the nightstand along with the other one. I leave the tray of food where it is, the sight of it now turning my stomach. I look away, moving to sit on the edge of the bed while I wait. I try to gather my thoughts, but my head is filled with white noise, washing everything else out.
“Lola.”
I snap my head around to look at Hannibal. From his concerned expression, I’m guessing he called me more than once.
He looks me up and down before he glances around the room. “There’s nothing here of yours?”
“I was waiting for the stuff you bought this morning to come up, but then everything happened…” I shut up when I see how pissed he is.
He slides his backpack over one shoulder before taking my hand. “Let’s go.”
I follow him out, not bothering to look behind me. The safety the room provided is gone, bursting like a bubble with the first round of gunfire.